Wow, I don't even remember the last time I posted a blog... and I didn't go look either. Surprising, I know.

Recently I have been contemplating picking the blog back up, and today I decided "what the hell, I've got alot to get off my chest". These posts will most likely be different than what I've done in the past... consider yourself warned. LOL. I am only writing about my feelings, at the time. They change, they may even contradict themselves within the blog. It's possible I will offend people. This is not my intent. I simply want a place to rid my mind of the million and one thoughts racing around in there.

So, we've been trying to get pregnant again. Our consult was in April (of 2010), we elected to skip May and then had to skip June due to travel plans for Lillie's first birthday. We decided to do our best not to let this process dictate our plans. We were finally able to try in June and on the way to Ohio, in August, we got a call that I had a positive pregnancy test... but the numbers weren't good and it was possible I was miscarrying. I had to wait a few days, the longest days ever, and repeat blood work while in Ohio. The blood work came back much lower, ie, miscarriage (also known as a chemical pregnancy this early on). I was hurt beyond words. I did my best to find the balance between accepting my loss, my pain, and recognizing that it could have been much worse. It's a delicate balance, let me just tell you. We had to skip our chance in August and tried again in September and October... no luck. We decided to take the holiday's off, just too much going on between travel to family and family traveling to us... and once again we wanted very much not to take away from Lillie. We picked back up in January, had too many eggs (7, I think) and had to skip the cycle due to risk of multiples. February rolled around, cysts, large, multiple cysts, so we had to skip February too. Next was March, I was hopeful, traveled to Louisiana after the IUI and was thankful for the distraction during the two week wait. However, starting my period the morning I was to travel back to North Carolina was a blow I wasn't prepared for. I felt like I managed the day well, but got home and fell apart... the emotions from leaving my family, the exhausting drive with a toddler, the hormonal roller coaster and the disappointment were just too much for me. My first full day home I was exhausted. My second day home I cried most of the day. Then I was fine... Thankfully.

That brings us to the present. We had another IUI near the end of April. Well, I guess I should back up and tell you that we agreed that we would only try three more times after our holiday break. It's soo expensive... you know that it will nearly break the bank, you do your best to prepare for that... you know that it will consume alot of time; between the trips there, the appointment itself, the trip back and the time waiting by the phone, again, you do all you can to prepare for that... but there is absolutely no way to prepare for the physical and emotional cost you will pay... no way to prepare for the effects it will have on your relationship with your partner, or fathom the other relationships it will affect... you can't know how the meds will wreck your body, your mind, your sanity at times even... and you will come to the painful realization that while you aren't alone, no one else will have felt the same way you do... and that those who haven't been through the process have little understanding of the fully medical/clinical process that is trying to concieve as a lesbian couple (though many heterosexual couples experience the same process). Now, I am not saying that no one else has felt my pain... quite the contrary... simply that no two people, even those who experience the exact same circumstances, will react the same, process the same, behave the same with respect to their feelings.

Ok, so March was try 1 of 3. April is try 2 of 3... and the pressure is on. I am more anxious than I would like to be. And I'm on the verge questioning our setting a limit on tries. It is good that we did, we don't have the luxury of trying indefinitely... we have to purchase everything but the eggs and uterus, and even those cost money to "prep" for a cycle. I have been feeling good this cycle. Not really even thinking about the twinges and goings on in my own body like I normally do. I've been relatively unaware of the two week wait. Until last night. When I went to the bathroom I noticed a twinge of pink. I get in the shower and my mind is racing... I get out, check again, still a bit... but just barely mind you. I get in bed and tell Tancy. I see this as a sign of impending menstruation. I am upset. We have one try left. I have been working so hard to learn my lessons, to not obsess, to just let things happen. I have cut back on caffeine, I eat better, I have started acupuncture. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't take anything other than approved prescribed medicines and tylenol. I'm working harder to take care of myself, to get more sleep. So, what have I done wrong? Why hasn't it happened for us? It didn't take this long with Lillie, or this much medicine. I know that these questions have no answers... because it doesn't have anything to do with that... it will happen, if it is meant to, when it is meant to.
I cry and I withdraw because I don't want one little hint of blood to make me so neurotic. I don't know how to explain all the things I feel and Tancy is doing everything she can to comfort me. I now have to pee every 10 minutes to reasses the situation. I can't quiet my own thoughts and I am unable to communicate them. Tancy needs to sleep and I can't even think about being in the dark, quiet of our bedroom just yet. So I check out a dvr and play on my phone until I am ready to try to sleep. It takes me a while, but I do finally sleep, thankfully, with one exception....

I dreamt that I took a pregnancy test and it was positive, but the dream didn't end there... I went in to REACH (which is how it would go in reality) and took the blood test and a positive pregnancy was confirmed. My dream went on, telling people, being so happy, celebrating. It felt so real. So, when I woke this morning and realized I had been dreaming, it was a bit dizzying. Then I had to check. A bit of darker blood, but again, such a small amount... I have a pep talk with myself about where I am at and where I need to be. I refuse to take a day away from Lillie... she has been sick and I want to focus on playing with her, taking care of her and giving her love. I refrain from "checking" unless I actually have to use the bathroom. For the most part, there's nothing. Now I have to fight the urge to convince myself that maybe it was implantation bleeding, to not do the research on time lines and symptoms. Then it hits me, this is what happened in the July/August cycle. I do my best to push this from my mind immediately. I am successful, but I start to pay attention to other things going on in my body; how my boobs feel, how my belly feels and then the kicker, diarrhea... which usually happens just before (a matter of hours) my period starts. Yay me. I'm a lunatic, a real nut job. I can't get out of my own head. I really hate that I even know this!
Thankfully Lillie seems to want to play on her own today, because try as I might, I just can't stop my thoughts. Granted, I am still playing with her, providing meals, interacting with her and talking to her. I'm also cleaning house, doing laundry and all the normal household stuff. But my head is a wreck.
I'm thinking about the fact that we only have one more try that we have agreed to... I am, again, questioning that decision. I am not ready to give up. Then I remind myself that my period has not, in fact, started and that I could still be pregnant. I think about the money we need for the next months cycle and begin to stress about the financial aspect of it. I continue to match every thought about not being pregnant with a reminder that my period hasn't started yet. I don't like being so negative. I've worked very hard over the years to slough off my negative ways and be more positive... I do not always succeed. I'm irritated that Tancy has a long weekend, and if I start my period I'm going to have to work really hard to not let that ruin our time together with Lillie. I have a hundred seperate thoughts racing around, all the same theme, pregnant or not. I want to talk about it, but what would I say and to whom? I'm feeling a little crazy... a bit heady... I need a distraction, but maybe that's the problem. I am so busy trying to stop myself that I make it worse. But I cannot allow myself to be consumed by this. I know! I'll blog!

As of right now, no period. I put Lillie to bed at 12:30 for her nap. It is now 1:37 and I just had to go in and change her diaper. She's been talking non-stop since I laid her down. LOL. She's definitely my kid! I've managed to balance the check book, clean the house, do laundry & dishes, make beds, brush teeth (mine and Lil's, its harder to get done some days than you might think), I've made two meals for her, only one of which she actually ate - lunch - macaroni and cheese. She needs to take a nap, we've been pumping her full of meds for days now, this Fifth's (Slap Face) disease is a real bitch. The rash is so terrible looking that it breaks your heart. If she gets warm, stressed or is in the sun, it irritates the rash... so the air is set to 70, we are staying inside and keeping her on a benadryl & tylenol schedule to help. Fun stuff.

Now, if you had any doubt in your mind, you know that I am completely insane. The song "The Story" by Brandi Carlile, that's my song... my song for me & Tancy. Especially the part about my head being a mess. LOL, I laugh because if I didn't, I'd probably cry. I will tell you that I am amazed every day by Tancy, her capacity to love, her ability to remain calm and impartial, her willingness to accept... she is surely the reason I am able to laugh. She is the one who absolutely gets me, who knows my deepest, darkest thoughts... the things that others would have a hard time hearing. I can be myself fully and wholly with her. She knows that sometimes, when I am sharing, I smile because it hurts too much to do anything else. That I try to be positive even when I am feeling quite hopeless. She's the one who will read this and know that I'm already crying.... and that I'm listening to "The Story" as I type this... and as crazy as it sounds, she will smile as she reads this.

I have so much to be thankful for. I don't forget this for one second... I found my person, the one who gets me even when what I feel is completely f*&$#@ up, and still loves me through it all. I have a beautiful daughter and I am fortunate enough to stay at home and take care of her, our home and Tancy. I have a great family (in-laws, out-laws, blood and chosen) and wonderful friends. I don't take this for granted... and I don't mean to down play it when I ramble on about how hard it is to try to conceive a second child. Some people are never fortunate enough to have the first. I remind myself of this... but that doesn't stop me from feeling what I feel. It only serves to keep things in perspective for me when I allow myself to get carried away.

I had to go tell Lillie to quit kicking the wall and shut her eyes. She's not made a peep since. Maybe she's finally asleep... nearly an hour and a half later. LOL. That kid is a mess, she makes me laugh! She cleaned her kitchen this morning while I cleaned mine. She's such a little sponge. She's so smart and she just amazes me.

I feel much better after writing this. I may try to keep this up. I need a place to download. I know I have used this before to keep everyone up to speed on our lives... but that probably wont be the case if I continue to blog. It will be more like a space I use to help me decompress. Your input is welcome, criticism isn't. That isn't what this is about for me. It is possible that I should set this to private, or create a new ID, anonymously send my thoughts out into the world wide web... but that's not my style, I don't need to hide. I don't keep much of anything about how I feel to myself. Why should this be any different? LOL.

Ok, that's all for me today. Sending love out to all.

Ok, so I listed my "battles", now I'd like to list my blessings.There are so very many, I'll try not to ramble... but if I do... So what?! LOL. These are the things that fill my cup to overflowing now that I am a Mom:

• Seeing her beautiful, genuine, heart melting smile in the morning when she wakes up. She looks so happy to see you peek over the crib rail.
• Hearing her talking to her sea creatures on the bumper pad when she's waking up in the morning or from a nap, before you go get her.
• Watching her splash, and then her surprise and amazement, during her bath.
• How she snuggles my neck when she isn't feeling 100%.
• Watching her with grandparents, aunts, uncles... seeing how very much they love her and knowing that she already returns that love back to them.
• Watching her try to hold things, transfer things from one hand to another, work so hard to get it to her mouth and then move it back and look at it... just to start the process all over again.
• How she gets mad when she rolls over to her back, then wants to be back on her belly, but can't quite get there yet.
• Her growl.
• Her first two teeth.
• Her giggle, though she doesn't do it often and it sometimes sounds more like a cough, I love it!
• Her eyes.
• How she rubs my face when I give her a bottle.
• Watching her and Tancy together... that is everything that love is and nothing love isn't.
• Imagining what she's thinking.
• How she looks at her Popa.
• How she laughs at her Nana, either one.
• How she listens intently to her Poppy.
• How she wanted so badly to play with Marlie, you could just see it!
• That she truly is a good baby.
• That she is a champ; shots, teeth, she's a pretty tough cookie.
• That's she's a calm baby.
• How she squeals when she's excited.
• Watching her expressions... she's got so many already.
• That she already wants my coffee, my drink, my food... and reaches for it.
• Her feet.
• Her hands.
• Her dimply little butt!
• That she loves lights.
• That she loves music.
• That she loves without limits.
• That she is so incredibly loved by so many people.
• That I can already tell she's going to be mean and ornery... I can't wait!
• The way she smells.
• How she fights sleep... even though it wears me out.
• How hard she works to turn over, move, get to what she wants... she's one determined little girl.
• That she reaches for the phone when we put it on speaker or hold the phone to her ear so she can hear her Popa, Nana, Poppy, Aunts, etc. and grins sooo big when she hears them talk.
• Her innocence.

I absolutely love my daughter, my partner, our family (both nuclear and extended), our friends. I am both perplexed and mesmerized by how different life is since she came along... and I wouldn't have it any other way. I have my struggles. There are days that are difficult. There are days that are as close to perfect as it can get. For me, the trick is to allow myself my struggles, recognize them, talk about them and then remind myself of all I have to be thankful for... there truly is so very much.

I have no idea if it's just me... I can only assume that someone, somewhere in the world has experienced similar issues with a new baby.

I want our family and friends to be close to our daughter. More than anything. That is part of the joy of having a child. I want to continue to get out and see friends and do things, even when Tancy's working (days or nights). But sometimes it is so hard. She's fussy in the evenings and I don't always want to fight that fight. I do the best I can to battle the issues that I have, sometimes I win, sometimes I don't. I always give it my all either way. So I've decided to make a list of the things I "battle" now that I am a Mom, hoping that getting it out there will help me deal with it better. Maybe someone out there will read it and relate, maybe there will be words of encouragement. Maybe another soul wont read it, but it will have helped me to identify my own "stuff". Here we go:

• I can only take her crying, when someone else has her, for so long before it becomes difficult for me not to take her and calm her down.
• I don't like people in her face.
• I don't like people putting their hands in her mouth.
• I don't like when kids get in her face or touch her hands.
• I prefer for people to give her a minute to warm up to them before they take her... the interaction seems to go much smoother that way.
• I don't like it when people are loud when talking to her while she's taking a bottle or trying to settle in for a nap or bed... she's got the attention span of a gnat.
• I don't like people hovering over me when I have her, because they want her, I will give her to you... just back off a bit.
• I don't like being pressured to leave her with someone, anyone, when I am not ready. I have done it, I will do it, but not because anyone else decides it should be so (outside of myself and Tancy).
• I am open to suggestions, ideas, tips and hints. But when it feels like I am being told that I am doing it wrong rubs me the wrong way... I know my child.
• I let her cry when she lays down for a nap or bed. She's got to learn to soothe herself.
• I don't like it when people continue to do things that startle her because they find it funny.
• I don't like it when 10 people talk to/for her at once, again, the attention span of a gnat.
• She doesn't need, or like, to be held all the time.
• I prefer, when family and/or friends are together, that everyone be considerate that everyone wants to see/hold her.
• She gets overstimulated.

I recognize that these are MY issues and that everything I feel isn't reality, addittionally, I know that these things will not kill either of us and that, largely, I have to be the one to adjust.
So, if you are family/friends reading this... please know this is solely for my benefit. Not because I am hoping people will read and take note. I am simply being honest about the things I struggle with. If I bring them out in the light, be honest about the instead of hiding, denying, or pretending I don't have struggles, maybe they'll get easier. That's my hope.

When I was a kid it never seemed like my Dad (specifically) stopped. I am sure my Mom was equally busy... so I am not sure why it stands out that Dad never stopped. But there was always something to be done, tires rotated, oil changed, grass cut, trash out, house washed down, and on and on. And even until very recently it seemed like he always had a list of things to get done... I don't know that I ever really understood why.

Thursday Tancy and I were sitting on the couch, taking a minute before heading off to Mandy's. I had cleaned out the car, swept out the carport and what felt like a million other things. She had been busy doing things as well, though that list escapes me right now. We started talking about all there was to still be done and how we've neglected some things and we really need to correct that. Suddenly a light came on, I am my father. There's always a list of things to be done. Believe it or not, I don't even list everything that I would really like to do. I'd love to pressure wash the house, carport and driveway. But we don't have a pressure washer, so it isn't on the list. I want to repaint the door and the shutters (a different color), but that's just not going to happen right now, so it's not on the list. I would like nothing more than to really go through things and get rid of what we haven't used in a year, but it's all I can do to get the laundry done some days... so that's not on the list. The deck needs restained, but moneys tight and its already too cold. I'd like to repaint our bedroom. It would be great to actually put some pictures up on the walls, of Lillie, family and us... I think that might be at the top of my list of things I'd really like to get done but just can't find the time. I want Lillie to see photos of our family each day since we don't live near them. That just made me sad... that we don't have pictures of our family up.

The fact of the matter is, once you get to a certain place in life, there is truly always something that needs to be done. So I am going to start putting certain things on the calendar in hopes of taking better care of some of the things that we have let fall by the way side. There are the things that have to happen on a regular basis just for life to keep running smoothly, dishes, laundry, cooking, etc. Then there are the things that need to happen routinely to keep things up, gutters cleaned, cars washed, oil changed, air filters replaced, etc. I'm still working out a system to manage it all.

I have a deep and profound respect for my parents and all their hard work when we were kids. Things were always maintained and taken care of, as I recall it... Mom and/or Dad might remember differently. We were taught to take care of the things we had no matter what it was or how much it cost, that way it would last. I have always understood the value of things, always wanted to "save" things that were special and preserve things for as long as I could. But I've gotten away from washing my car regularly and cleaning the inside. There's just so much on the list... things get lost sometimes.

Then there's the struggle of taking care of things and just being able to live life. My arguement is if things are done, taken care of, then I can kick back, relax and enjoy things. But the fact of the matter is, it is never all done. So I have to find a balance between taking care of things and relaxing some. But how does one do that. So far it seems I can't relax if a certain level of up keep isn't done. And if I let things go too far, quite the opposite happens, I become uptight and even depressed... most definitely overwhelmed. But with a little one, I want to learn to just take her in and enjoy time with her and not miss out on playing in the leaves because I was obsessed with scrubbing the bathrooms.

I have found its much easier to manage it all with help. Tancy is terrific and it seems we get more done together, which is kind of an obvious statement, but people take for granted how helpful (or not) their partners are in the regular every day things... as well as the extraordinary things. I know that together, not only will we manage to take care of what needs to be done, we will also manage to laugh, have fun and enjoy our time together (thats whether we are working on our "honey do" OR doing something just for fun... that's the beauty of being us).

I don't expect this to make sense to anyone... its just a place for me to quiet some of the noise in my head.

Wow. I am tired tonight. It has been a long and full day. It started at 8:15. Well, let me back track, last night I was still up late. AT&T didn't call till 8:45, I was on the phone with them till 9:30. Then, of course, it was time to pump again. Then to bed and slept till 1:30. Back up at 3:30 with doodle for a bottle and decided to pump again. Tancy came home around 7:30 and I grunted at her when she tried to talk to me. LOL. Lillie was up at 8:15, talking to the sea creatures on her bumper pads, or maybe her mobil... who knows for sure.

I fed her and pumped. I put her activity matt in the floor and let her play while I washed bottles, put sheets on to wash, put away her clothes that I had folded and sucked down a cup of coffee. I put her down for a nap at 11:45 and got dressed, washed my hair and woke Tancy. Lillie was up at 12:15, big nap, right?! We fed her around 1:00 I guess. She's up to 7 ounces now, every 4 hours. I am worn out. I can barely make enough breast milk to keep up with her feedings. I am pumping every 2 hours during the day and 4 hours at night between 11 & 7. We have decided to start adding cereal to help sustain her a little longer than 4 hours.

We got ready and left the house at about 2:20 to head to the doctors office for our flu shots. Then we headed to babies 'r us to get nipples and rice cereal. Then home! We went for a walk with Lillie. It was nice. Then home to give her a bath and bottle. The cereal bottle was a mess. We couldn't get the right nipple and first she wasn't getting much of anything... then she was getting drenched! We still didn't get it right. I was a wreck... watching that much breast milk be on her pajamas instead of in her belly... that was tough for me. It's hard work! Anyway, tomorrow we will try to spoon feed her cereal instead of a bottle.

I cooked dinner while Tancy fed Lillie. Once Lillie went to bed we ate and then just tried to decompress and catch up. I pumped after dinner and then got a quick bath. I'll be up till 10:00, pump again and then go to bed. I feel more tired today than I did the day before with 4 hours sleep (I think I got about 7 last night). I'm not sure why.

I have been frustrated with the cereal business. Everyone wants to tell ya that she's too little yet, she doesn't need it, you'll mess up her tummy. But I know she's not getting full enough and I can keep increasing her ounces, but she never goes more than 4 hours between feedings during the day. At night I get one good run of about 8 - 10 hours out of her and then back to the 4 hour schedule. Some times, during the day, she doesn't even make it 4 hours between feedings. It's tough. I just want some idea of how much cereal and good ways to give it to her.

Well kids, I could rant and rave for a while, but I am just too tired. I hope you all have a great night.

Love to all!

Wow, last night turned out to be a long night. I was on the phone with AT&T till after 11:00, an hour and a half or better and still didn't resolve the issue. Then I was so twisted about all that I couldn't go to sleep. I finally dozed around 1:00... and Lillie was up for a bottle at 3:00. Got up, gave her a bottle, pumped and back in bed around 4:30 ish... and Lillie was up again at 7:00.

I was half asleep feeding Lillie when Tancy came in, she took over the bottle and I pumped. She swaddled Lillie up to see if she would go back to sleep so I could get some rest, she might have slept for another 45 minutes or so and then she was bright eyed and bushy tailed. Ugh! Thankfully I had prepared the coffee pot the night before, which reminds me I need to do that again, so I was able to have some coffee pretty quickly. I gave her the rest of her bottle from 7:00 (she only took half) and another 4 ounces of formula! I got her dressed and then myself and we headed out.

I decided to go by AT&T and have them look at my phone and Tancy's (now doing the same thing). I get there and turns out they don't test at that store, they don't test phones or cards at any store in the state! What?! But right then and there they started working! Ok, so I head to Wal-Mart (the devil) to get a few things we need. Then make a bee-line home. Lillie started getting fussy at check out but fell asleep on the way home. Yay! I stopped to get a burger because I hadn't eaten anything substantial since the steak at Mandy's house. Then home.

She was happy in her car seat long enough for me to unload the car and put away the cold stuff. I then put her in her crib and let her watch her mobil, which she loves, if only the damn thing played longer. I got the fridge cleaned out, the dishwasher unloaded and reloaded and the laundry moved around before the fit started.

And it didn't stop until her swaddle was dry at 2:00 and her Mom (Tancy) swaddled her up and put her to bed. She fussed for 4 minutes and was out. Awake at about 4:30 and hungry she had right at 7 ounces and was content.

Tylor was here putting in his application for a job out at the plant, Tancy and I helped him as we could. I had made pork chops and stove top stuffing... Tancy and I ate just before Tylor got there. She left for work, he finished his application while I bathed Lillie and then ate some dinner himself. At 6:30 Lillie was so fussy I knew it was bed time. She fussed for less than 5 minutes. I swear she goes to bed earlier and earlier every day. I don't know what I am going to do when she's sleeping during the day and not at night... but I can't keep her awake. Tylor hung out a minute and headed home. I then stripped our bed and remade it and also stripped the guest bed. I'll wash all that stuff tomorrow. I also finished folding the clothes I had washed today. I am tired. Worn out.

AT&T is suppose to call... I am almost done pumping and then I am getting in the tub, they are sure to call then!

I have lots more, but I am just too tired!

Love to all!

Like everything else at this point, I must multi-task as I blog... like every other night, I am pumping while I blog. That way when I get done with it all I can wash bottles one more time, get a shower and get in bed!

Today was a pretty good day. I went to Mandy's earlier in the day rather than waiting till Tancy left for work. I thought that better for Lillie since she's been so cranky in the evenings lately. So let's see, back track to where I left off last night:
I was asleep about 9:00, up at 11:00 to pump. Back to sleep after washing bottles and up again at 3:00, back in bed around 3:30, up with Lillie for a bottle at 4:30. Back in bed at 5:00, Tancy home around 7:30ish, Lillie up at 8:30. Whew. Good thing I went to bed early last night! Talked to Mandy around 10:00 and decided to head on over there and be home for when Tancy would normally be up.

We had a good visit, but around noon (true to form) Lillie started getting fussy. Had a bottle, that appeased her for a bit, but not for long. As soon as lunch (steaks) was ready I ate and as soon as I was done we headed home. Lillie was asleep within minutes of pulling out of the driveway. She slept part of the way home. When we got home I could tell she was still sleepy, so I swaddled her and put her down for a bit more of a nap (this is about 2:30). She slept for a little more than an hour I guess. She was in a good mood for a while, then she was ready for a bottle. Tancy fed and then handed her over to me so she could eat. That's when the shit hit the fan, nearly literally... Lillie had a shitastrophe! It came out of the side of her diaper and in my lap. Poor baby. Tancy cleaned her up and I cleaned me up. She was calm for a while. Tancy left for work and it wasn't long that Lillie started getting a bit cranky, not too bad. So I decided to give her a bath. She loves her bath, she was in a great mood! But her eyes gradually started getting heavier and heavier. I got her out of the bath and put her pj's on her after some lotion. She was a bit cranky and I decided to offer her a bit of a bottle just in case after all that pooping she was hungry. She took about three swigs and was out. I swaddled her and put her down. She hasn't made a peep. I did check in on her, sleeping soundly.

So I called Mom and Dad to check in. Nothing exciting there, waiting on time to go to bed. LOL. I decided I would try to get a few things done around the house before it was time to pump again. I managed to clean the kitchen and sweep the floors. Then I dust mopped the floors too. I moved the living room furniture and all. It felt so good to get that done. It seems like it has been forever since I did the floors. I could still mop, but I am tired and really want to get in bed early again tonight. After the floors I put bottles together and washed the bottles in the sink.

I am pumping now, once that is done I will wash those bottles up and head to the back for a shower. That will feel so good! Then to bed.... maybe a scooby snack, though I am trying to do better about not having a snack every time I am up to pump. That certainly wont help my weight. I have felt some better today, a bit tired, a bit disconnected, but better than a couple of days ago.

Tomorrow I need to get some groceries, but I really need to clean out the fridge first. I am not sure how that will work out, but if I can, I will.

Tancy has off Tuesday and we are going for our flu shots. I am going to try not to have much of anything else to do that day so we get to enjoy some family time. Gosh, I have missed spending time with Tancy. Then Wednesday she's back to nights for four nights in a row this time. I'll be glad when this outage is over.

Well kids, its about that time. Wanna check my facebook and tie up some loose ends. Good night.

Love to all!

Wow, today has been a bit of a challenge. Lillie was fussy for most of the day. Her tummy was bothering her, and again, we have the idea that she is teething. She had moments of being happy and calm and then bouts of fits on and off all day.

I decided to give her a bath early today since she was so fussy and then her bottle. I intended to put her down right after her bottle. But she was so calm and content I wanted to just enjoy her for a bit. So she went down at her regular time even though she was done with her bottle at 6:30. Poor baby, I feel so bad, not knowing what to do to help her feel better. I do hope she feels better tomorrow.

So, now for the explaination to the title of this post. When this blog started it was a way to let everyone know what was going on with us. To post pics and just a good place for those who wanted to to be able to keep up with us. But now, it is something very different. Now it is basically my online diary. I don't know who is reading this now, if anyone, and that is ok. This is a space for me to be honest about what I have going on, to put it out there where I can see it and digest it and then figure out what I need to do with it from there. Nothing more, nothing less.

There will be times I vent about a circumstance and possibly even a person. I will do so discretely so as not to hurt anyone or air dirty laundry unfairly. I hope that no one will be offended and that anyone reading will keep in mind that these are my thoughts and feelings. This will be a safe place for me to talk about being depressed, feeling lonely, experiencing great joy, future plans, current struggles... basically anything and everything that I might otherwise not talk to people about readily (or easily). My therapy essentially.

Lately I have been battling feelings of isolation and loneliness. I have realized that although being at home sounds great, close to my family, it isn't the fix all that I can paint it to be. But the last visit home was absolutely wonderful and its hard not to romanticize that living there would be that way. However, I am smart enough to keep working it out until I can see clearly that living at home again would present its own set of unique problems. I left there for many reasons and I am sure that some, if not all of them, still exist there.

I haven't figured out what to do about my feel isolated and alone. I know it will ease when the outage is over, but I doubt they will away completely. So I need to see what is out there. We have friends here, and they are great, but every one has their own lives and their own struggles. I maybe need to expand my social circle to include those with children and (though this one might be a bit harder to find) those who's partners work shift work. Everyone in our lives are there for a purpose. There is no one person who can provide everything that we need, be that a friend or a partner. So it is important to realize the strengths of relationships and appreciate those, as well as find what we need that isn't satisfied by said relationships. That's where I am at.

Life has changed so much in the last year. Being pregnant, Tancy's new job, having Lillie, priorities changing, family relationships evolving, finances, time constraints and so on. I try to keep Lillie on some what of a schedule because with Tancy's work schedule that can be a challenge. Lillie and I can't work nights because Tancy does. So I tend to not do things at night so that she can be in bed at bedtime each night. I haven't set a rigid bed time for her, but buddy, if she isn't in bed at 7:00 - 7:30 at the latest, she will let you know! So I don't want to be out late, dragging her around and her not getting her rest. Being basically on my own is hard enough without adding her fussiness because she's up past her bed time. Just leaving the house is alot of work, so sometimes I just don't do it.

I think that a new baby + shift work = some pretty unique challenges. I am working hard to meet them with good solutions. But boy is it hard sometimes. I can day dream about getting a phone call from a friend saying they are coming to hang out and bringing dinner. Or coming by to hang out and help with Lillie so I can get some house work done. Or coming by to help with house work. LOL. There's just so much to get done in a day... and still give Lillie some attention and interaction. Whew.

Well kids. I am done pumping. I am going to make a bottle, maybe grab a snack and climb into bed. I am hoping to get to sleep early... I am bone tired tonight.

Love to all!

Well, today started out really good. Lillie slept, after her 6:00 feeding, till nearly 10:30. I had time to make coffee, pump, start laundry, feed Hemmi, wash bottles and drink almost a whole cup of coffee. I usually don't even have time to pee! LOL.

She woke up in a great mood, talking and smiling. She had a bottle and then I put her activity matt down and she laid under it and "played" for quite a while. I managed to get two loads of laundry done, wash bottles again, pump again, pick up around the house, get dressed, brush my teeth and wash my hair! Impressive. We had tummy time for a while, but she got mad and I picked her up before she rolled over again (Tancy's sleeping during the day, a crying baby doesn't help one sleep soundly). She had another bottle and then I tried to put her down for a nap. She fell asleep in my arms and I put her in her crib. She might have slept another 15 minutes before waking up practically screaming. I went and got her and we tried it again, she slept in my arms for a bit. I would have swaddled her, that's about the only way she sleeps for any period of time (that and being held), but it was in the wash... so that was out. Tancy got up during this nap and before long Lillie was awake again. She had another bottle, but her mood wasn't as good as it had been earlier in the day. It got progressively worse. We put her down for a nap after her bottle and she slept 30 minutes I guess. Her mood hadn't improved at all! LOL.

Tancy and I had dinner together. We sat on the porch with Lillie for a while. When it was time for her to go we came in. Tancy left for work, it was hard tonight. I have been doing pretty good, I guess you could say I am getting used to her working nights. But after this long I guess I should be used to it. Around 6:00 I gave Lillie a bath and about 6:30 she had her bottle. She was in a great mood after her bottle, lethargic and sleepy. We chatted a bit and then I swaddled her and laid her in her crib. She didn't make a peep. Went sound to sleep in maybe 2 minutes... that's probably stretching it.

After she went to bed I pumped again, I cooked some ground meat for a taco salad of sorts (the meal I had with Tancy was my lunch). I smoked a cigarette after I ate (Tancy left me one and my nerves have been a bit shot... she's got till she's fully qualed to stop and me, well, I might have a half of one after Lillie is in bed and before I shower... but that's gonna come to an end... I don't really even like it anymore). Then I came inside and got a shower.

Now here I sit, in bed blogging. Today has been full of thought for me. I have been feeling pretty lonely and isolated lately. I am not sure what to do about that. Today, if I could, I would move back home. But when you are emotional isn't a time to make life changing decisions. Plus it really isn't feasible. It wouldn't be fair to be that far away from Tancy's family... I can only speak for where my mind is at this very moment. And I know that things would be much easier, today, if we were in Louisiana. But I know there would be pros as well as cons to living there. I can't pretend that life would be perfect if we moved back home. The best thing I can do for me is find a solution to my problems where I am at now. Cause really, what else can you do? You can't move and expect not to be where you are. Ya know? I will get there. Just like most things, I didn't expect this outage to be this difficult on us.

I can honestly say it is hard on both of us, not just me. I know Tancy worries about me and wants nothing more than for me to be happy. She doesn't like knowing that I feel so lonesome and I know she feels somewhat responsible. But the fact of the matter is I chose to live here in North Carolina, and when she took this job we talked about the sacrifices that we would make. So it isn't her responsibility at all. I really need to calm myself and figure out what it is I need and then make it happen. I have such a hard time letting people in when I am struggling. I don't want people to see me emotional, upset... a wreck. That's hard for me. I think it is for most people. I wrestle with it and try to work it out on my own for a long time before I reach out to someone. It's almost painful to say "I need", whatever that might be. And if I reach out and don't get the reception I need, I am even more reluctant the next time. Then, before I know it, I've withdrawn. So, what's the answer? I have no clue.

Tonight I am going to finish blogging, respond to a few messages on facebook, pump one more time and then turn in for the night. I've got about 30 minutes before I need to pump again, so I am going to wrap this up and take care of the other things right quick.

I hope you all have a good night, who ever might be reading this at this point.

Love to all!

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