May 11, 2011

  • The things we fight

    I think I have come to the realization, that over all, this is a mommy blog. Try as I might, I can't help it. Hopefully, I will feel passionate enough about things from time to time that I divert from the usual ramblings of a stay at home mom. But I feel like the harder I fight this, the harder it will be for me to write at all. So, if I just give in to that, maybe that will free me up to naturally come up with other things... and at the very least, to not avoid writing when motherhood is all that is on my mind.

    It's funny how sometimes the things we fight are exactly what we end up needing. Take emotions for example, when I am in a foul mood, the harder I fight it the worse it becomes. Not only am I equally foul during the battle, but eventually I realize that if I would just give in, it would go away much faster... and then there's the original foul to follow. How does that make any sense? I have no idea. You would think that I would learn by now, just let it wash over me and give in to the under tow, work with it, not against it. But time and time again, I try to fight it, only to exhaust myself to the point of having no real choice but to give in. When I think of all that wasted time, it saddens me.

    More than anything, I fight my feelings. This may be hard to believe if you know me, I have been told that I express myself much more than most. But I am at war with myself... I have to communicate verbally to work it out (sometimes writing works, not always). And from the start of said communication to the end, I will have gone from one place to something completely different... and many places in between. I will contradict and confuse myself many times before I figure it all out, and all because I fight with myself over what I am really feeling. I try to talk myself out of it, to convince myself that I really feel something different.

    If I had the patience, and a different method of processing, I could work out my feelings in my own mind before I involved someone else in the craziness that is my process. And while I try to do this, I return to the fight... I am fighting who I really am by doing this. I believe that I am capable of learning different ways of doing things, I have proven that to myself time and time again. But there are some fundamental characteristics that I am not sure I can change. I have learned to keep my mouth shut when I am pissed off... through lots of hard work, I now understand that I don't have to give someone the uncut truth. I am also able to pick and choose battles, not expressing every thought (especially when I am displeased) that crosses my mind. But, try as I might, I don't think I can change my means of processing big feelings.

    I am a constant work in progress. Some days I make more progress than others, lol. But I'm always making an effort to be a better version of myself. I hope to be kind, caring, compassionate and understanding. I have a focused view of situations and people, but I work on seeing the big picture. I have not ever been overly patient or optimistic, but I keep at it and believe that one day I will be closer to it than I am today. I have been known to be quite confrontational, and that too is something I hope to let fall by the way side. Sure, sometimes that's a good thing... but if you can't control it, it just becomes a constant fight over things that don't really matter, with people who do. I have learned that the way to change is not to fight who or what you are, it is to accept it. The harder you fight it, the bigger it becomes, the more power it is given and the more difficult it is to change. Acceptance is the key. Once you can accept a situation, a feeling, a person; it becomes easier to see what you need to do to make the changes for the better.

    Hmm. That's all I have for now on that one. I hope it made sense. LOL.

    Love to all.