May 20, 2011

  • Too much going on

    Wow, it's been a little bit since I blogged. There's been so much going on lately, I just haven't had the time or the concentration to blog.

    I don't know how much focus I can give you tonight... but I am going to try. Right now there are many things running through my mind; love, death, pain, happiness, endings, beginnings... I have had the priveledge, in this life, to witness many beginnings as well as many endings. I have held on to my Paw-Paw when he took his last breath and I have given birth... I have been to weddings and I have been there for loved ones during break-ups. I have witnessed intense pain and immense joy.

    In life, we consider being a part of the happy times; births, weddings, etc. a gift. But, more often than not, the unhappy times are so hard that we rarely consider being a part of them a gift. I think that both are gifts, when we are allowed to share those moments with other people. Sure, you hope to be there for the good and dread being there for the bad... that just makes sense. But I'm talking about more than that. It was an honor to be with my Paw-Paw when he died. It was profoundly painful and deeply moving and it is a moment in my life I will never forget... Nor would I trade it for anything. To be given that opportunity to tell him goodbye in a very real way meant more to me than I have the skills to communicate. It was a gift. Recently I have been fortunate enough to be there for people that I love in their moments of hardship. I wish with all my heart that they didn't have to experience these circumstances... it was painful just to watch... but I am so thankful to be there to help in any way I can. To be supportive and show them love.

    I think we have all developed such an aversion to anything negative that we fail to see anything positive in it. Whether it is a lesson to learn, a good bye, a new start, or simply the opportunity to be there for someone else... it's a gift. It makes us appreciate the positive that much more, it provides an opportunity to grow and learn.

    With every ending comes a beginning. Every negative has a positive. I say this and know that someone, somewhere, right now, reading this vehemently disagreeing with me. The hard times suck. The loss of a loved one... it's a horrible, painful experience... there's no denying that. When a marriage (or long term relationship) ends... it is agonizing and miserable. I could give many examples of life sucking... circumstances that anyone would avoid if at all possible. I am not saying that the shitty parts of life aren't shitty, just that there is something positive even in those circumstances. I have found that the loss of a loved one teaches me lessons about life. I have experienced divorce and it taught me MANY things, not the least of which was that I should have given marriage itself much more thought than I did.

    Life is so fleeting, it is gone in the blink of an eye. Be happy, be with who makes you happy, do what makes you happy... because it could all be gone tomorrow (not a rapture reference). You have to live your life for yourself. Don't be selfish, don't be cruel... that's not what I am saying here. Do, in fact, be kind... life is too short to go through it being an asshole... but do the things that bring you happiness. Tell people you love them. Settle disputes. Be protective. Be affectionate. Smile. Dance. Sing. Laugh. Cry. Live your life today as if you aren't promised tomorrow (again, not a rapture reference)... because tomorrow isn't promised. Recognize as much good in life, people and circumstances as you can.

     

    That's all I have. There's been so much going on lately, hurt, heart break... I said before, I am thankful to have been allowed to be a part of that... to be there for those I love... But it certainly puts me in a strange head space. I feel thankful, but my heart is heavy. I wish I could take the pain away, but I know it is a part of their journey. I am learning my own lessons in these circumstances... I love my family, with every fiber of my being. I would do absolutely anything to help them.

    Love to all.