September 11, 2009

  • Two in a row... Wow!

    Well, today started out really good. Lillie slept, after her 6:00 feeding, till nearly 10:30. I had time to make coffee, pump, start laundry, feed Hemmi, wash bottles and drink almost a whole cup of coffee. I usually don't even have time to pee! LOL.

    She woke up in a great mood, talking and smiling. She had a bottle and then I put her activity matt down and she laid under it and "played" for quite a while. I managed to get two loads of laundry done, wash bottles again, pump again, pick up around the house, get dressed, brush my teeth and wash my hair! Impressive. We had tummy time for a while, but she got mad and I picked her up before she rolled over again (Tancy's sleeping during the day, a crying baby doesn't help one sleep soundly). She had another bottle and then I tried to put her down for a nap. She fell asleep in my arms and I put her in her crib. She might have slept another 15 minutes before waking up practically screaming. I went and got her and we tried it again, she slept in my arms for a bit. I would have swaddled her, that's about the only way she sleeps for any period of time (that and being held), but it was in the wash... so that was out. Tancy got up during this nap and before long Lillie was awake again. She had another bottle, but her mood wasn't as good as it had been earlier in the day. It got progressively worse. We put her down for a nap after her bottle and she slept 30 minutes I guess. Her mood hadn't improved at all! LOL.

    Tancy and I had dinner together. We sat on the porch with Lillie for a while. When it was time for her to go we came in. Tancy left for work, it was hard tonight. I have been doing pretty good, I guess you could say I am getting used to her working nights. But after this long I guess I should be used to it. Around 6:00 I gave Lillie a bath and about 6:30 she had her bottle. She was in a great mood after her bottle, lethargic and sleepy. We chatted a bit and then I swaddled her and laid her in her crib. She didn't make a peep. Went sound to sleep in maybe 2 minutes... that's probably stretching it.

    After she went to bed I pumped again, I cooked some ground meat for a taco salad of sorts (the meal I had with Tancy was my lunch). I smoked a cigarette after I ate (Tancy left me one and my nerves have been a bit shot... she's got till she's fully qualed to stop and me, well, I might have a half of one after Lillie is in bed and before I shower... but that's gonna come to an end... I don't really even like it anymore). Then I came inside and got a shower.

    Now here I sit, in bed blogging. Today has been full of thought for me. I have been feeling pretty lonely and isolated lately. I am not sure what to do about that. Today, if I could, I would move back home. But when you are emotional isn't a time to make life changing decisions. Plus it really isn't feasible. It wouldn't be fair to be that far away from Tancy's family... I can only speak for where my mind is at this very moment. And I know that things would be much easier, today, if we were in Louisiana. But I know there would be pros as well as cons to living there. I can't pretend that life would be perfect if we moved back home. The best thing I can do for me is find a solution to my problems where I am at now. Cause really, what else can you do? You can't move and expect not to be where you are. Ya know? I will get there. Just like most things, I didn't expect this outage to be this difficult on us.

    I can honestly say it is hard on both of us, not just me. I know Tancy worries about me and wants nothing more than for me to be happy. She doesn't like knowing that I feel so lonesome and I know she feels somewhat responsible. But the fact of the matter is I chose to live here in North Carolina, and when she took this job we talked about the sacrifices that we would make. So it isn't her responsibility at all. I really need to calm myself and figure out what it is I need and then make it happen. I have such a hard time letting people in when I am struggling. I don't want people to see me emotional, upset... a wreck. That's hard for me. I think it is for most people. I wrestle with it and try to work it out on my own for a long time before I reach out to someone. It's almost painful to say "I need", whatever that might be. And if I reach out and don't get the reception I need, I am even more reluctant the next time. Then, before I know it, I've withdrawn. So, what's the answer? I have no clue.

    Tonight I am going to finish blogging, respond to a few messages on facebook, pump one more time and then turn in for the night. I've got about 30 minutes before I need to pump again, so I am going to wrap this up and take care of the other things right quick.

    I hope you all have a good night, who ever might be reading this at this point.

    Love to all!