Ok, so I listed my "battles", now I'd like to list my blessings.There are so very many, I'll try not to ramble... but if I do... So what?! LOL. These are the things that fill my cup to overflowing now that I am a Mom:

• Seeing her beautiful, genuine, heart melting smile in the morning when she wakes up. She looks so happy to see you peek over the crib rail.
• Hearing her talking to her sea creatures on the bumper pad when she's waking up in the morning or from a nap, before you go get her.
• Watching her splash, and then her surprise and amazement, during her bath.
• How she snuggles my neck when she isn't feeling 100%.
• Watching her with grandparents, aunts, uncles... seeing how very much they love her and knowing that she already returns that love back to them.
• Watching her try to hold things, transfer things from one hand to another, work so hard to get it to her mouth and then move it back and look at it... just to start the process all over again.
• How she gets mad when she rolls over to her back, then wants to be back on her belly, but can't quite get there yet.
• Her growl.
• Her first two teeth.
• Her giggle, though she doesn't do it often and it sometimes sounds more like a cough, I love it!
• Her eyes.
• How she rubs my face when I give her a bottle.
• Watching her and Tancy together... that is everything that love is and nothing love isn't.
• Imagining what she's thinking.
• How she looks at her Popa.
• How she laughs at her Nana, either one.
• How she listens intently to her Poppy.
• How she wanted so badly to play with Marlie, you could just see it!
• That she truly is a good baby.
• That she is a champ; shots, teeth, she's a pretty tough cookie.
• That's she's a calm baby.
• How she squeals when she's excited.
• Watching her expressions... she's got so many already.
• That she already wants my coffee, my drink, my food... and reaches for it.
• Her feet.
• Her hands.
• Her dimply little butt!
• That she loves lights.
• That she loves music.
• That she loves without limits.
• That she is so incredibly loved by so many people.
• That I can already tell she's going to be mean and ornery... I can't wait!
• The way she smells.
• How she fights sleep... even though it wears me out.
• How hard she works to turn over, move, get to what she wants... she's one determined little girl.
• That she reaches for the phone when we put it on speaker or hold the phone to her ear so she can hear her Popa, Nana, Poppy, Aunts, etc. and grins sooo big when she hears them talk.
• Her innocence.

I absolutely love my daughter, my partner, our family (both nuclear and extended), our friends. I am both perplexed and mesmerized by how different life is since she came along... and I wouldn't have it any other way. I have my struggles. There are days that are difficult. There are days that are as close to perfect as it can get. For me, the trick is to allow myself my struggles, recognize them, talk about them and then remind myself of all I have to be thankful for... there truly is so very much.

When I was a kid it never seemed like my Dad (specifically) stopped. I am sure my Mom was equally busy... so I am not sure why it stands out that Dad never stopped. But there was always something to be done, tires rotated, oil changed, grass cut, trash out, house washed down, and on and on. And even until very recently it seemed like he always had a list of things to get done... I don't know that I ever really understood why.

Thursday Tancy and I were sitting on the couch, taking a minute before heading off to Mandy's. I had cleaned out the car, swept out the carport and what felt like a million other things. She had been busy doing things as well, though that list escapes me right now. We started talking about all there was to still be done and how we've neglected some things and we really need to correct that. Suddenly a light came on, I am my father. There's always a list of things to be done. Believe it or not, I don't even list everything that I would really like to do. I'd love to pressure wash the house, carport and driveway. But we don't have a pressure washer, so it isn't on the list. I want to repaint the door and the shutters (a different color), but that's just not going to happen right now, so it's not on the list. I would like nothing more than to really go through things and get rid of what we haven't used in a year, but it's all I can do to get the laundry done some days... so that's not on the list. The deck needs restained, but moneys tight and its already too cold. I'd like to repaint our bedroom. It would be great to actually put some pictures up on the walls, of Lillie, family and us... I think that might be at the top of my list of things I'd really like to get done but just can't find the time. I want Lillie to see photos of our family each day since we don't live near them. That just made me sad... that we don't have pictures of our family up.

The fact of the matter is, once you get to a certain place in life, there is truly always something that needs to be done. So I am going to start putting certain things on the calendar in hopes of taking better care of some of the things that we have let fall by the way side. There are the things that have to happen on a regular basis just for life to keep running smoothly, dishes, laundry, cooking, etc. Then there are the things that need to happen routinely to keep things up, gutters cleaned, cars washed, oil changed, air filters replaced, etc. I'm still working out a system to manage it all.

I have a deep and profound respect for my parents and all their hard work when we were kids. Things were always maintained and taken care of, as I recall it... Mom and/or Dad might remember differently. We were taught to take care of the things we had no matter what it was or how much it cost, that way it would last. I have always understood the value of things, always wanted to "save" things that were special and preserve things for as long as I could. But I've gotten away from washing my car regularly and cleaning the inside. There's just so much on the list... things get lost sometimes.

Then there's the struggle of taking care of things and just being able to live life. My arguement is if things are done, taken care of, then I can kick back, relax and enjoy things. But the fact of the matter is, it is never all done. So I have to find a balance between taking care of things and relaxing some. But how does one do that. So far it seems I can't relax if a certain level of up keep isn't done. And if I let things go too far, quite the opposite happens, I become uptight and even depressed... most definitely overwhelmed. But with a little one, I want to learn to just take her in and enjoy time with her and not miss out on playing in the leaves because I was obsessed with scrubbing the bathrooms.

I have found its much easier to manage it all with help. Tancy is terrific and it seems we get more done together, which is kind of an obvious statement, but people take for granted how helpful (or not) their partners are in the regular every day things... as well as the extraordinary things. I know that together, not only will we manage to take care of what needs to be done, we will also manage to laugh, have fun and enjoy our time together (thats whether we are working on our "honey do" OR doing something just for fun... that's the beauty of being us).

I don't expect this to make sense to anyone... its just a place for me to quiet some of the noise in my head.

Wow, last night turned out to be a long night. I was on the phone with AT&T till after 11:00, an hour and a half or better and still didn't resolve the issue. Then I was so twisted about all that I couldn't go to sleep. I finally dozed around 1:00... and Lillie was up for a bottle at 3:00. Got up, gave her a bottle, pumped and back in bed around 4:30 ish... and Lillie was up again at 7:00.

I was half asleep feeding Lillie when Tancy came in, she took over the bottle and I pumped. She swaddled Lillie up to see if she would go back to sleep so I could get some rest, she might have slept for another 45 minutes or so and then she was bright eyed and bushy tailed. Ugh! Thankfully I had prepared the coffee pot the night before, which reminds me I need to do that again, so I was able to have some coffee pretty quickly. I gave her the rest of her bottle from 7:00 (she only took half) and another 4 ounces of formula! I got her dressed and then myself and we headed out.

I decided to go by AT&T and have them look at my phone and Tancy's (now doing the same thing). I get there and turns out they don't test at that store, they don't test phones or cards at any store in the state! What?! But right then and there they started working! Ok, so I head to Wal-Mart (the devil) to get a few things we need. Then make a bee-line home. Lillie started getting fussy at check out but fell asleep on the way home. Yay! I stopped to get a burger because I hadn't eaten anything substantial since the steak at Mandy's house. Then home.

She was happy in her car seat long enough for me to unload the car and put away the cold stuff. I then put her in her crib and let her watch her mobil, which she loves, if only the damn thing played longer. I got the fridge cleaned out, the dishwasher unloaded and reloaded and the laundry moved around before the fit started.

And it didn't stop until her swaddle was dry at 2:00 and her Mom (Tancy) swaddled her up and put her to bed. She fussed for 4 minutes and was out. Awake at about 4:30 and hungry she had right at 7 ounces and was content.

Tylor was here putting in his application for a job out at the plant, Tancy and I helped him as we could. I had made pork chops and stove top stuffing... Tancy and I ate just before Tylor got there. She left for work, he finished his application while I bathed Lillie and then ate some dinner himself. At 6:30 Lillie was so fussy I knew it was bed time. She fussed for less than 5 minutes. I swear she goes to bed earlier and earlier every day. I don't know what I am going to do when she's sleeping during the day and not at night... but I can't keep her awake. Tylor hung out a minute and headed home. I then stripped our bed and remade it and also stripped the guest bed. I'll wash all that stuff tomorrow. I also finished folding the clothes I had washed today. I am tired. Worn out.

AT&T is suppose to call... I am almost done pumping and then I am getting in the tub, they are sure to call then!

I have lots more, but I am just too tired!

Love to all!