January 4, 2012

  • This stay at home mom’s struggle (today)

    For anyone reading this that doesn’t know me… I am 33 years old, I have a 2.5 year old daughter and I am 35 weeks pregnant. I am a stay at home mom. 

    Yesterday, I went to the doctor for my checkup. Everything looked good, but I’ve been having some discomforts and when I talked to my doc about them, she suggested that I am doing too much and I should slow down and try to rest more. Any of you with a toddler, or children in general, already know that slow is not the pace you keep with a young child at home… Even the best behaved child is a ball of energy that needs interaction and play. Those of you who are home makers also know that our work is never done… There are always clothes to be washed, dishes to be done, meals to be cooked… The floors need cleaned, the bathrooms need attention, and the list goes on! So, already I can think of a few dozen reasons this won’t work for me. 
    But! I am going to try. I am uncomfortable enough, that I will do my best to listen to my doctors advice. I also don’t want the discomfort to turn into something that could cause my baby to come before it’s time. SO! Here we go…

    Last night I slept like the dead. I still woke with a full bladder more than once, and still tossed a bit in the bed trying to find comfort, but the sleep itself was solid. It was nice to sleep that soundly. But, when Lil woke at 7:00 and I was still in a coma, I was instantly cross to be awake. She really wasn’t ready to be up yet either, so we played “who can be crankier” for a while. After a cup of coffee, I finally woke up enough to stop being childish and cross myself, and then it was a matter of helping her get over her own crankiness. 

    I made the beds, got us both dressed and ready to take on the day. I sat down. I’m suppose to be resting… taking it easier. Sigh. I loaded the dishwasher, I sat down. I start the washing machine and grumble to myself about taking it easy. I called our primary care about getting Lil a flu shot, thankfully they have an opening today… I have got to get out of this house! So, off we go! We get there, and she’s as brave as she’s ever been. She did cry a bit when they wanted her to get on the table… She cried a bit when they gave her the shot (though that had nothing to do with the shot, it was because they wanted her to lay down), but she pulled it together quickly. So, we went to the store to get her a prize for being so brave. Hey, ya gotta reward their achievements. She picked a little, purple, hot wheels jeep. We walked around the store for a bit because I just wasn’t ready to come home and I wanted her to be good and ready for her nap when we did get home. 

    We get home, she goes to the potty, then off to bed. I check my email, Facebook, blah, blah, blah… I sit on the couch and search for SOMETHING interesting to watch… Anything! Nothing! I start to think about something to eat, knowing I’m not hungry. Then my mind goes to the fridge… I really need to clean that out… And I need to put the clothes in the dryer. I move the clothes around and sit back down. It hurts to bend over to do about anything, so putting clothes down into the dryer reminds me quickly to take it easy. Ok, fine! Then I think about the dishes in the dish washer… No, I’m not going to do that. But, I can’t get it out of my head that the fridge is full of food that needs to be thrown out. I don’t have room for anything else in there. Ok, I can do this. I really haven’t done much today, and if I don’t get up and do something… I’m going to be eating everything I can get my hands on. I’m so frustrated. 

    I clean the fridge out, put the dishes in the sink… I’m not going to unload and reload the dishwasher (right now). I mill around in the kitchen for a minute. Trying to talk myself out of doing more work. I think about my frustration with it all. Why can’t I sit still? I’m frustrated with myself… For being in a situation where I need to take it easy… It makes me feel weak, or old, or both… I’m not sure really. I’m frustrated with myself because I have such a hard time sitting still and relaxing. I can’t think of anything that I want to do that is relaxing. I can’t find anything on TV that is worth the time. I am still doing two or three things at a time (The TV is on, I’m checking fb, my email and texting). Why can’t I sit still? I keep asking myself this question and I draw a blank. Then, I think about being in the kitchen a few minutes ago… Cleaning is how I keep myself from eating everything in the house. It’s how I cure boredom. 
    Now, mind you, I’m no skinny girl. To say I am curvy is how I make myself feel more positive about my weight. But, I’ve had issues with food in the past and I still struggle with feeding my feelings… So part of my problem has to be that I use house work as a replacement, a distraction. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t the only reason… But it is part of it.

    Another reason I can’t sit still is that I feel like being a stay at home mom/home maker/house wife is a job… There are certain things that are my responsibility and mine alone. It’s what I wanted and it is what I love. That being said, I take my job very seriously. I like my house clean, I like everything in order. I take pride in our home. The every day should be taken care of, well, every day: clothes, dishes, etc. I only just discovered my love for a freshly made bed… and have been doing that every morning for the last little bit. It just makes everything look neater. The floors need to be done more often than I am able to presently, but I have been trying to at least vacuum every couple of days. I dust after I do the floors. I wipe down my fan blades and window seals about every month, to two months. I clean the bathrooms once a week. I do not like to go to bed with the kitchen a mess. The table should be wiped after every meal… and the counters should be wiped when there is a need (after you make toast or coffee, after you cook, etc.), usually a few times a day. About every three to six months I reorganize cabinets and drawers, I go through dressers and closets… for my daughter I sort the clothes she’s outgrown and put those in a tote to be put away for the daughter I’m still incubating. Nearly every evening, all the toys go back to their respective place, with all their pieces/parts.
    These are just the tasks that come to mind right away, and the schedule I keep. Now, mind you, my house is not immaculate, there’s still dust, dirt, yuck… that’s part of living in a home I suppose. It might be pristine and remain disinfected if I lived alone, but who really wants to live that way?! (Well, if I were single, without kids, that’s probably how I would live…)
    I’m quite proud of keeping things in order. I’m proud of doing this with a toddler… and being able to say that she still gets lots of love, attention, affection, interaction, laughter and play (that has nothing to do with house work). She’s smart and loving, she’s giving and she is able to entertain herself as well. All these things are my job, as a stay at home mom… The house, the kids and all the things that relate to both. I’m also very proud to do all this while pregnant. I know I am not the only woman to do this, not the first or the last… But I am proud to be one of the women who do. (Do not take this to mean that I believe that being a stay at home mom is harder, there are many moms who work, raise their children, gestate and take care of their homes… I cannot imagine how difficult that must be, it is certainly not the pace I wanted to have to keep.) 

    Tancy works very hard for what we have, she abuses her body every day… So it is also very important to me to take care of these things so all her hard work is taken care of. That the money we spend on toys, or furniture, or clothes, or whatever, is an investment… it’s taken care of and made to last longer because of it. 

    I think part of my worth is determined (even if in my own mind) by how well I keep my house. How well I take care of my family: hot meals, clean clothes, etc. So, sitting still means… what? I don’t really know, I’m still searching for the answer to that. For me, maybe, it means I’m being lazy. There’s always something else to be done, knowing that while I am warming a couch cushion isn’t comforting to me. 

    Yet another part of the problem is that I do not know how to relax. As I said, I can’t think of one thing I want to do… Anything that sounds relaxing or enjoyable. My mind, even as I type, keeps going back to the sink full of dishes. Knowing that the dishes in the dishwasher are clean and I could have the ones in the sink clean and put away before Tancy gets home, wipe the counters and the stove top, clean the table off and viola! the kitchen is clean when she gets home. We are having left overs for dinner, so there’s no reason the kitchen shouldn’t be clean. I also feel bad that we are having left overs, and that she won’t come home to a hot meal. 

    So I’m sick. Yes, I have come to this realization. But I don’t care to change the fact that taking care of my home and my family is important to me. I do, however, need to incorporate taking better care of myself. Taking time for me. Being ok with carving out some time just for myself. I know that eventually, I will not be able to run on all cylinders, all the time. Two children will be a very different pace and sometimes the dishes are going to sit in the sink. Sometimes I am going to have a pile of laundry to be done instead of just two loads. I am working on wrapping my head around this. I need to incorporate more time outside, more laughs, more silliness… for my girls, for Tancy as well. I have to learn to loosen up. For me, I put my family ahead of myself, always. So, maybe I just need to change the way I see that… By putting them first, I have to loosen up to give them all that they need. I have to recharge, to take time for me… in order to be there for them when they need me, in any capacity. 

    This is definitely something to work on, it will likely be an ongoing process for me. For now, its a struggle. It may always be. But, I continue to strive to be a well rounded person, mother and partner… The best version of myself that I am capable of being. So, I’ll write it on the list and start to think about what I can change and how to go about that. 

    Right now, I have to go unload the dishwasher and reload it before it drives me insane! Hey, it’s a work in progress… it won’t change in a day! 

    Love to all. 

July 29, 2011

  • My second pregnancy… the thoughts of a chubby girl

    Well, my first pregnancy was very interesting… so many things in the pregnancy books didn’t apply to me… concerns about stretch marks, not fitting into my clothes, weight gain, etc. These were all things I had dealt with for the better part of my life. I accepted them as natural occurrences. My clothes didn’t get tight because I didn’t wear tight clothes and I didn’t gain any weight, the location of my weight just shifted. I already had stretch marks, so what difference would a few more make? I only got three new ones, fyi. I resisted wearing maternity clothes for a long, long time, until my body looked totally and fully pregnant. Even though I could have pulled it off in the first trimester, I didn’t want to look so pregnant and then have to explain that I was only 8 weeks along. LMAO! I never got a “baby bump”. I went from plump, chunky, curvy, healthy, happy… to PREGNANT. I truly loved my pregnant body. I enjoyed the round, fullness of my belly… that for once, was suppose to be round and full… and in such a beautiful way. I felt better about my body than I ever have. It was liberating and wonderful. On top of all that, I felt strong and well. I felt healthy and I continued all the things I did pre-pregnancy and was probably even more active than that. Really, after a short few weeks of morning sickness (really, 2 or 3 weeks), the only complaint I had was that I truly despised ready the pregnancy books… they all spoke to the skinny crowd, there were chapters of shit that just didn’t apply to me.

    My Mom said I should write a book… I considered it, but found myself so busy nesting… and soon taking care of a newborn, that I was just too busy to even start on it.

    Now I am quickly approaching the second trimester of my second pregnancy. My first trimester has been truly miserable. Sickness like I have never experienced… and then more extreme and agonizing sickness while traveling (there are no words, but it was full body pain, as well as gut wrenching nausea). I have been exhausted to the point of being unable to function. I have been bitchy to the max, don’t believe me, just ask Tanc. I have cried… not because I have been so emotional, but because my heart truly breaks when I have hurt someone so carelessly… and been so unaware. I have apologized more times than I can count, and certainly more than I wish there were reason to. I have disliked my body more than I can remember disliking it in quite some time. I gave in and drug out the maternity clothes around 10 weeks, not because my clothes don’t fit… I’m still losing weight… but because I need summer clothes and my maternity clothes are both summer clothes AND comfortable! I’m still wearing my clothes, just add in a pair of maternity shorts or capri’s occasionally. I don’t want to look pregnant yet, so I dislike wearing the maternity clothes so early (again, I don’t want to explain that I’m only 12 weeks along). But, I also need clothes to wear and they expand my wardrobe. LOL. I have not felt like cleaning, I have despised cooking and I have become indifferent to eating. This is tough for me as I have always found catharsis in cleaning, happiness in cooking and comfort in eating. It’s an emotional disconnect like no other.
    Additionally, I have felt fragile, like I have to be careful of the things I do. I’m not as gung-ho as I was during my first pregnancy. Picking up anything heavy scares me a little. I feel twinges and cramps that didn’t exist during my first pregnancy. I spoke to my doctor about this and she said it probably has more to do with the c-section, and having experienced pregnancy than anything. This makes sense to me. However… all the bullshit that came with the first, the stuff that only applies to people who started somewhere right around their “target weight”, is here with the second. Why doesn’t anyone speak to the big girls about being pregnant?!

    For the last two days I have been feeling more like my old self. I am cleaning, cooking, running errands, organizing, eating… I feel good, I am happy, I want to eat, I enjoy doing all the things I did before. I’m back to having to be told to take a break, instead of never getting started. I think I may be hitting my second trimester stride a week early and I am very happy about this!! It is a great feeling…. and I know, just around the corner is also that happiness that comes with being pregnant and feeling well. Loving how my body looks is close now. I already notice changes, but no one else would. I’m ok with that. I am lucky in different ways, I don’t have to watch my weight when I am pregnant… my body naturally does this (granted, its the only time my body does this). I don’t have to worry if I’m gonna get fat, I already am! I don’t have to worry about stretch marks, got ‘em! I’m not concerned about my clothes not fitting…. not only is that something I’m already accustomed to, during my pregnancy, I will be able to wear my regular clothes for the duration… my shirts will fit differently, but that’s about it. I will feel better about my body while I am pregnant, and in those moments when I don’t…. I’m used to that too.

    You know, one of these days… maybe I will write a book… for big girls who are expecting children. I already know what my title will be… but you’ll just have to wait till it hits the book stores to find that out!

    At this very moment, I’m going to stir my fresh green beans that have been cooking all day. Then I’m going to finish making the cake that I started. After that, I’m going to start my pork chops for dinner. Then it’s time to play outside with my munchkin. Life is good. That doesn’t mean I wont be sick again, or bitchy, or tired, or ugly… those things are bound to happen. It just means that I am going to enjoy every moment that those things aren’t a part of!

    Love to all!

May 20, 2011

  • Too much going on

    Wow, it’s been a little bit since I blogged. There’s been so much going on lately, I just haven’t had the time or the concentration to blog.

    I don’t know how much focus I can give you tonight… but I am going to try. Right now there are many things running through my mind; love, death, pain, happiness, endings, beginnings… I have had the priveledge, in this life, to witness many beginnings as well as many endings. I have held on to my Paw-Paw when he took his last breath and I have given birth… I have been to weddings and I have been there for loved ones during break-ups. I have witnessed intense pain and immense joy.

    In life, we consider being a part of the happy times; births, weddings, etc. a gift. But, more often than not, the unhappy times are so hard that we rarely consider being a part of them a gift. I think that both are gifts, when we are allowed to share those moments with other people. Sure, you hope to be there for the good and dread being there for the bad… that just makes sense. But I’m talking about more than that. It was an honor to be with my Paw-Paw when he died. It was profoundly painful and deeply moving and it is a moment in my life I will never forget… Nor would I trade it for anything. To be given that opportunity to tell him goodbye in a very real way meant more to me than I have the skills to communicate. It was a gift. Recently I have been fortunate enough to be there for people that I love in their moments of hardship. I wish with all my heart that they didn’t have to experience these circumstances… it was painful just to watch… but I am so thankful to be there to help in any way I can. To be supportive and show them love.

    I think we have all developed such an aversion to anything negative that we fail to see anything positive in it. Whether it is a lesson to learn, a good bye, a new start, or simply the opportunity to be there for someone else… it’s a gift. It makes us appreciate the positive that much more, it provides an opportunity to grow and learn.

    With every ending comes a beginning. Every negative has a positive. I say this and know that someone, somewhere, right now, reading this vehemently disagreeing with me. The hard times suck. The loss of a loved one… it’s a horrible, painful experience… there’s no denying that. When a marriage (or long term relationship) ends… it is agonizing and miserable. I could give many examples of life sucking… circumstances that anyone would avoid if at all possible. I am not saying that the shitty parts of life aren’t shitty, just that there is something positive even in those circumstances. I have found that the loss of a loved one teaches me lessons about life. I have experienced divorce and it taught me MANY things, not the least of which was that I should have given marriage itself much more thought than I did.

    Life is so fleeting, it is gone in the blink of an eye. Be happy, be with who makes you happy, do what makes you happy… because it could all be gone tomorrow (not a rapture reference). You have to live your life for yourself. Don’t be selfish, don’t be cruel… that’s not what I am saying here. Do, in fact, be kind… life is too short to go through it being an asshole… but do the things that bring you happiness. Tell people you love them. Settle disputes. Be protective. Be affectionate. Smile. Dance. Sing. Laugh. Cry. Live your life today as if you aren’t promised tomorrow (again, not a rapture reference)… because tomorrow isn’t promised. Recognize as much good in life, people and circumstances as you can.

     

    That’s all I have. There’s been so much going on lately, hurt, heart break… I said before, I am thankful to have been allowed to be a part of that… to be there for those I love… But it certainly puts me in a strange head space. I feel thankful, but my heart is heavy. I wish I could take the pain away, but I know it is a part of their journey. I am learning my own lessons in these circumstances… I love my family, with every fiber of my being. I would do absolutely anything to help them.

    Love to all.

May 11, 2011

  • Temper, temper!

    Well, I have something I need to get off my chest… so here we go… I will warn you all ahead of time, I’m feeling a little pissed. This blog might be offensive, it might contain vulgar language.I will do my best to keep it under control, but just in case… you’ve been warned!

    I have always had a temper, but it’s been fairly balanced with a tender heart. Most people saw the tears, only a select few ever saw the anger. I tend to react to things very quickly and that paired with a temper didn’t set well in a new relationship, to be quite honest, it had a very negative impact at times. In the last seven years I have worked very hard to control my temper, mind my words and keep my nose out of what truly wasn’t my business. But when it comes to people I love, this becomes a real challenge. On the one hand, I want to cry when I think of someone I love being in pain. On the other hand, I want to find the no good son of a bitch that caused the pain and hand it right back to him or her.

    Now, inflicting pain isn’t my first thought… truly… my first thought is a good old fashioned “come to Jesus” with the person in question; To educate them, just in case they were unaware, on the fact that they are hurting someone I love; To let them know just how I felt about it, as well as the immediate rectification expected; To prepare them for the wrath that will surely rain down on their head should they not change their wicked ways. This is not because I think I am all powerful, that anyone really gives a shit about what I think or feel, or because I think anyone would be intimidated by me. It simply comes from a place of what is right is right, and wrong is wrong… But, given the opportunity, I would most definitely follow through… without question or concern for much else.

    I would protect my family (most of you know by now this is not limited to those I am directly related to… it also includes close friends) at any cost. I would risk them being mad at me to protect them. I realize this isn’t a popular thought process, or even very smart… that one would go to such lengths, possibly risking the relationship with said loved one, to protect them. But it is how it works in my brain. I would rather have someone I love out of harms way, and mad at me, than to watch them hurt. I think this comes from my father, as I have watched him stand up for family, even when it pissed them off… I admire this. To love someone so much that you would go that far… I am sure there’s someone reading this right now who thinks that’s foolish, but I don’t.

    Maybe it’s an old fashioned way of doing things… when right was right, when everyone knew everyone, when people looked out for each other… I think, to some extent, we have left those ways behind. There’s so much gray now… I have neighbors that I have lived next door to for 5 years whose names I don’t even know. My alarm went off last week for nearly an hour probably, and not one neighbor came over to see what the hell was going on. People just don’t get involved anymore. But I digress…

    My parents mean the world to me, they taught me most of what I know… I will give myself some credit for life experiences. My sister, I have loved her with all my heart since the day she was born. For these three people, the people who were at my core for most of my life… I will always answer the call, I will be there and do anything asked when they are in need. Even though those bonds aren’t as tight as they once were; time and distance prevent me from being as close to them as I want sometimes (other times I feel as close as ever). And when they hurt, I want to take it away.
    My partner, my wife, Tancy… our daughter Lillie, I would go to the ends of the earth for them. Do anything to protect them, spend my last breath hunting down anyone who hurt them. When they hurt, I feel it in my soul… right now, I can’t sleep because I know Lillie wasn’t feeling well before bed. It’s just that basic.
    My in-law’s, they are truly wonderful people. They love me like their own, and I return that love to them. I want to see them well and happy… I wish I could make it so in those times when it isn’t. I am very protective of them, in ways that only Tancy will ever know.
    I have nieces and nephews that I love more than I can put into words, and I would protect them with the same fierceness as my own child.

    I can’t list every person I feel protective over… I can’t even list all of the really important ones. To even attempt that would only dilute my true feelings. But I can tell you this, my family is larger than I realize sometimes. I am loved by many and I love them in return. And should you cross one of these people, hurt one of them, I will have thought of a dozen ways to hurt you before you ever know I am pissed at you, hell, in some cases, you may not even know who I am. I may never open my mouth, out of respect for the person affected; chances are I will not act on my violent thoughts… but know this… I will smile at the very thought that karma is a bitch and what you put out there, to the universe, will certainly come back to you… I will delight in the many ways your shitty actions might come back around to you. If I should get the opportunity to talk to you, when it is all said and done, I will make you feel very small and worthless.

    That’s extreme you might think, and maybe you are right… but this is my rant for now, my anger, my frustration. I have watched more than one person I love be hurt recently. By someone selfish, unkind or simply unaware. I am tired of it. I wish that there was something I could do. I would pick up the phone right now if I knew it wouldn’t change the course of things forever… if I could trust that it would make everything better. But I am not so self centered and egotistical that I believe that’s how it would happen. I am smart enough to know that there would be hurt feelings at the very least. These are good people, with great big hearts, who deserve to be happy, to receive all the love and kindness that they give.

    I don’t believe in putting negativity out there… I just said what you put out there is what you give back… and my relationships don’t permit me to be so involved in others lives that I butt in on their relationships with others. But there are times when I am just so hurt, so mad, that I can’t help but day dream about spending a little time in a room alone with the offender. Again, I just want to talk, lol.

    I would like to ask to anyone reading, the next time you hurt, manipulate or use someone, think about the fact that they might have a family member just like me… who hasn’t learned to stay out of other peoples business… But, if you could stop and think about what might happen when you hurt someone, you probably wouldn’t be the kind of person to do those things. So, I guess it would be more appropriate to say, to all the assholes out there…  you’ll get yours one day.

    Love to all.

  • The things we fight

    I think I have come to the realization, that over all, this is a mommy blog. Try as I might, I can’t help it. Hopefully, I will feel passionate enough about things from time to time that I divert from the usual ramblings of a stay at home mom. But I feel like the harder I fight this, the harder it will be for me to write at all. So, if I just give in to that, maybe that will free me up to naturally come up with other things… and at the very least, to not avoid writing when motherhood is all that is on my mind.

    It’s funny how sometimes the things we fight are exactly what we end up needing. Take emotions for example, when I am in a foul mood, the harder I fight it the worse it becomes. Not only am I equally foul during the battle, but eventually I realize that if I would just give in, it would go away much faster… and then there’s the original foul to follow. How does that make any sense? I have no idea. You would think that I would learn by now, just let it wash over me and give in to the under tow, work with it, not against it. But time and time again, I try to fight it, only to exhaust myself to the point of having no real choice but to give in. When I think of all that wasted time, it saddens me.

    More than anything, I fight my feelings. This may be hard to believe if you know me, I have been told that I express myself much more than most. But I am at war with myself… I have to communicate verbally to work it out (sometimes writing works, not always). And from the start of said communication to the end, I will have gone from one place to something completely different… and many places in between. I will contradict and confuse myself many times before I figure it all out, and all because I fight with myself over what I am really feeling. I try to talk myself out of it, to convince myself that I really feel something different.

    If I had the patience, and a different method of processing, I could work out my feelings in my own mind before I involved someone else in the craziness that is my process. And while I try to do this, I return to the fight… I am fighting who I really am by doing this. I believe that I am capable of learning different ways of doing things, I have proven that to myself time and time again. But there are some fundamental characteristics that I am not sure I can change. I have learned to keep my mouth shut when I am pissed off… through lots of hard work, I now understand that I don’t have to give someone the uncut truth. I am also able to pick and choose battles, not expressing every thought (especially when I am displeased) that crosses my mind. But, try as I might, I don’t think I can change my means of processing big feelings.

    I am a constant work in progress. Some days I make more progress than others, lol. But I’m always making an effort to be a better version of myself. I hope to be kind, caring, compassionate and understanding. I have a focused view of situations and people, but I work on seeing the big picture. I have not ever been overly patient or optimistic, but I keep at it and believe that one day I will be closer to it than I am today. I have been known to be quite confrontational, and that too is something I hope to let fall by the way side. Sure, sometimes that’s a good thing… but if you can’t control it, it just becomes a constant fight over things that don’t really matter, with people who do. I have learned that the way to change is not to fight who or what you are, it is to accept it. The harder you fight it, the bigger it becomes, the more power it is given and the more difficult it is to change. Acceptance is the key. Once you can accept a situation, a feeling, a person; it becomes easier to see what you need to do to make the changes for the better.

    Hmm. That’s all I have for now on that one. I hope it made sense. LOL.

    Love to all.

     

May 9, 2011

  • Self Confidence

    Hmm… What do I want to talk about today?!

    I truly have no idea. I’ve started two topics now and erased both. LOL. I think I am a bit afraid to tackle some topics that I feel passionate enough about to discuss… I don’t have my footing just yet with regard to opening up a fresh blog and typing away.

    I wonder what makes the difference in people who have confidence and those who don’t? My confidence has suffered greatly over the years. So much so that I find it painful to accept a compliment… It is difficult, at best, to not counter a compliment with a negative. And to actually acknowledge a compliment with a thank you is harder than I would like to admit. This isn’t specific to a type of compliment… it can be about my appearance, cooking, house cleaning, attitude, absolutely anything.

    I have contemplated this on many occasions. My parents were loving and congratulatory. They praised me for a job well done and let me know when they were proud of me. I made good grades, I had friends, I had boyfriends… so where does this terrible condition from?

    Granted, my first marriage was a real doozey… but I lacked confidence before that (or I probably wouldn’t have gotten myself into the situation to begin with). Was it a weight issue? I have never been a skinny girl. But I knew many other girls who were chubby, chunky, curvy, plump, round, healthy, big boned, etc. and they seemed to have far more self confidence than I dared imagine.

    I will remember one negative statement for years… But moments after a positive statement I question it, repeat it back, doing my best to commit it to memory, ask for someone else’s perspective of the exchange to make sure I didn’t misinterpret… and within a few hours, it’s gone from me forever. It’s terrible really. If it is someone that I am close to paying the compliment, I convince myself that they are saying it to be nice, or because they have to. What is wrong with me?

    I have searched my memory banks, gone through the cataloged events in my mind and I can’t think of one thing that might have caused this. I can’t even think of a series of things that led me to this place. Nor have I successfully found a solution to my problem. When someone does compliment anything I have done, at this point, I want to pick their brain, find out what they really think about it… what was the best and the worst about whatever it is they are complimenting. I think it is a sickness really. LOL.

    I do know that I dislike complimenting someone else and hearing “oh, it was nothing”, or “I didn’t do anything”, or whatever the come back might be. So, I have vowed to work on this about myself. If I can’t say something nice, I wont say anything at all… but I will do my best to manage a “thank you” or a “you’re welcome”, which ever is appropriate.

    While I may never know why I have this issue, and I am not sure it is even relevant, I do hope to over come this obstacle. I would love to have the confidence in myself that I might know when something I have done is wonderful, without any outside confirmation. I don’t like needing that reassurance from others. I want to cook a meal, take a picture, write a blog (I can think of a hundred things here) and know that it was good, to feel confident about it and not question myself. Additionally, I would like to feel good about myself in general. I don’t want to cringe when I see a picture of myself, I don’t want to be so down on myself. I want to walk with my head up and my shoulders back, feeling well within myself.

    So, where are all my confident people out there? Tell me how to do you keep your self confidence level healthy?
    All of you who lack confidence, how do you over come that? Do you over come that?

    In an exercise to remind myself that I have good qualities, without any outside influence, I am going to list things about myself that are good… to prove to myself that I can identify them. Ok, here we go, here are the things I think are positive, about me:
    I am a great Mom.
    I am a good partner/wife.
    I am faithful.
    I am honest.
    I am loving.
    I am caring.
    I am a good friend.
    I am considerate.
    I am a good cook.
    I am intelligent.

    Ok, that was harder than I thought… 10 things… that shouldn’t be so tough. LOL. And I am going to wrap this up before I find a way to list the things I don’t like/am not good at as well. LOL.

    Feel free to share, even if it is only to list 10 things you think you are good at.

    Love to all.

May 7, 2011

  • Let’s try this again

    Alright, we’ve sufficiently quieted the house… Poor Lil, she’s getting molars in and they are torturous. She’s been cross all morning. We all had lunch and put her down for a nap. I started the crawfish pie filling and Tancy swept the floors. Now the house is clean, quiet and smelling yummy. LOL. I thought I would try to take this time to blog again… See how it works out.

    We’ve been keeping up with Grey’s Anatomy lately. Especially given that there is a lesbian couple who have had a baby and just got married. It’s the only thing on TV right now that even closely resembles our life. Though… mind you… it only barely, closely resembles our life. We have no “baby daddy”, we have opted not to have the big gay wedding (at least not until it is actually legal), our families are completely supportive… and last but not least we aren’t fabulously coiffed, make-upped and fashion savvy doctors. That last part is hard to believe, I know. LOL.

    Tancy and I have had many debates about the show recently. Her irritation with Mark Sloan (the baby daddy), my irritation with the dual wedding crap they did on the show, her seeing that as a great example of how easy it is for one and how hard it is for the other, my frustration with Arizona, I feel like she is wishy washy… I could go on and on about our dialogue surrounding the show. But that isn’t really where I am headed.

    Tancy feels like the show is a farce with respect to its representation of a lesbian couple. She feels like they are basically saying that two lesbians need a man to make it work. I disagree with that view, I think it is one way that lesbians conceive a child… with the help of a close male friend (gay or straight). At the end of the day we agree on one thing, most people don’t give any thought to how different life is as a homosexual, with or without children (though children definitely change the equation). Television shows do a piss poor job showing the general public a real life picture of homosexuality. Granted there are many facets… but it seems most shows that have gay characters focus on the typical… sex. And while that’s great, it’s nice to have a romantic relationship that I can relate to, it does little to take peoples minds off what goes on in the bedroom and help them understand that we are just people too. That that part of our lives isn’t anymore your business than what goes on in your bedroom is mine. And, to be honest, your’s is probably kinkier! LOL.
    It seems like anyone concerned with the LGBT community only focuses on “sexual deviance” as it is, lets just fuel the fire! I just think there should be more done to show that we are like everyone else, except we aren’t really allowed to live like everyone else. Show John Q. Public what he doesn’t know about being gay. Sure, people know that we aren’t allowed to get married, that we can’t both adopt a child, that until recently we couldn’t be openly gay and serve in the military.
    But I am not sure that people think about these facts:
    We have children together… and one of us has no legal rights. Can you imagine having to worry about your child being taken away from you if your partner (wife/husband/blah, blah, blah) died?
    We pay taxes, like everyone else, but do not get the same tax breaks because we aren’t allowed to claim our family as such when we file our taxes. That means that Tancy can claim me, as long as I don’t make any money, and Lillie as a dependents… But not me as a spouse or Lillie as a child (which, monetarily, are very different deductions).
    That not all employers provide domestic partner benefits, so not everyone with a family can provide health insurance for their family.
    We have to file legal documents, regularly I might add, to ensure that we can take care of matters for each other that would be given rights if we were “allowed” to marry.
    If something should happen to Tancy, Lillie would not be entitled to her SS benefits or anything to do with her retirement from the service (she served in not one, but two branches).
    If something should happen to me, Tancy has to trust that a judge wouldn’t take Lillie for the only other parent she’s ever known… because even my will is only a suggestion… and the court could rule to take Lillie from her, just because.
    That it is even in question what we should be “allowed” to do! Seriously?!

    Think about this for one second, lets take sexual orientation out of the equation for just a minute. You, reading this right now. You are just a regular person… skin color, religion, sexual orientation is irrelevant… so lets say you are a white, christian male (That’s the only group I can think of that isn’t told what they can and can’t do) and while we are at it, you are upper middle class, if not upper class on the socio-economic scale. You are walking through life without a care in the world. Then, one day, an entire country of people and their government decide that you should no longer have the same inalienable rights that you have always had… that everyone else has… Now they get to decide, by vote, if you should be persecuted… if simply being you was to be considered a crime (yes, a crime), if you should be allowed to live where everyone else lives, to marry, to have children of your own, if you should continue to pay taxes like everyone else, but only be given half the benefits in return. Can you tell me, if you are able to put yourself in this place… Wouldn’t you be mad as hell that anyone could make these decisions for you?

    There have been witch hunts for as long as people have existed. One group going after another, over differences between them that they didn’t understand and didn’t want to… deciding simply to flush out anyone who didn’t fit the mold and either attempt to eradicate them entirely or to dictate how they were allowed to live their life… as if one life is worth more than another because of skin color, religious beliefs, sexual orientation… and many other, equally ridiculous reasons. How did one group become so superior as to tell another that they were to be less than? And why is it ok to be told that… why do we simply accept it?

    If we ALL did a better job banning together… If women (regardless of orientation) would band together, gender inequality would no longer exist… we do outnumber men. Think about all the combinations of people who could pull together to support each other! There would be no such thing as inequality any more. If the entire homosexual community would band together, we would finally have the same rights as others… and we wouldn’t have to be afraid of bully’s (school yard or otherwise). If we locked arms, whatever the oppressed group of people, we could accomplish anything we wanted. But we are too busy looking at our differences, trying to make sure we aren’t at the bottom of the ladder, that we don’t ban together. Within the LGBT community, people judge others (see, we aren’t any different than anyone else). Some lesbians don’t like gay men, some gay men don’t like lesbians, people in either category take issue with bi-sexuals as well as transgendered people… and the dislikes are endless. We aren’t even the gay community anymore… it has to be LGBT or GLBT, depending on who you are talking to… already there’s division just with how a community is addressed, really?!
    Here’s what I can tell you… If every queer decided to stop paying taxes, if every homo in the service stood up, if every one of us stopped partonizing establishments that aren’t ”family” friendly, if we all found a way to ban together as one, we would have to be heard…. think about what we pay in taxes, think about how many of us are in the military, think about how much money we spend, think about how many of us there are!!! We could make a difference! We could change things.
    But as long as we let fear dictate our lives, as long as we hide in closets, as long as we swallow the bullshit we are being given… This is where we are. We are stuck. And we have no one to blame but ourselves…

    So… next time you want to point the finger at someone you feel is holding you down… take a good, long look at yourself… What are you doing to lift yourself up, and those in the same situation as you? Are you part of the solution? Because if you aren’t, you are part of the problem!

    Love to all.

  • A new day

    Today is certainly a new day. I am still feeling a little stressed about things, but overall, I am much better.

    Yesterday was fraught with stress over money. We had to order sperm ($800) and medicines ($300)… plus put the money aside for appointments ($60 each) and the IUI itself, ($275). Then I thought I lost one of my meds ($100 bottle of medicine) and nearly lost my mind. I called Tancy in, frantic, to help me find it. She saved me from myself, all but went right to it (when I had looked there three times already). Then I fell apart… we didn’t have another $100 to throw at medicine AND I needed to start taking it yesterday… I gave myself a minute, talked to Tancy about how much money we spent and what that meant for the next two weeks (till next pay day) for us. I feel responsible for our finances, when they are good or bad… since I manage the bills and take care of the household. So, when things aren’t as good as I would like, or we have to spend a chunk of change, I take that on. Thankfully, Tancy is the wonderful person she is and she eases my concerns and assures me that we will get through it.

    Today, I am thankful. I am thankful for the love and support of family and friends. I am thankful for having said $1500 to give it one more shot. I am thankful for the wonderful, loving, supportive partner I have. I am thankful for the beautiful daughter who reminds me every day of all I have to be thankful for. I am thankful for the opportunity to try once more.

    Tancy and I talked, this try may or may not be the end for us… we have decided that IF we don’t get pregnant this time, we will take some time off, get some distance from the emotional aspect, and make a decision. This decision will be final. We cannot try indefinitely, we both agree. But I don’t think that either of us are ready to say that this is the end. For me, just knowing its open for discussion takes some of the pressure off. I think relieving that pressure alone is a good thing. I also think, if we aren’t pregnant this next try, the break will be good, give us time to get perspective and to put some money aside. I am hopeful that this try will be the one. I am every month.

    Right now, Yo Gabba Gabba is on, it’s loud and I’m having trouble concentrating. Sigh. Guess trying to write, in the living room with everyone else isn’t such a great idea. LOL. It’s at least something I have to train myself to block out! I will probably have to help Tancy to consider me unavailable while I write as well. LOL. It is going to be a learning experience for all of us. But I think it is good for me to do something for myself. And it will be good, for everyone, if I am not always available.

    Now, on to something different. You all know, by now, that I am trying to blog more… a catharsis of sorts for me. However, it’s also an effort to get my creative juices flowing again and keep my brain from turning to mush. I am going to do my best to change the topic from baby making and meds and money on to different things. I have said before, it will be strictly my opinion and I will most likely contradict myself. LOL. I used to write alot, passionately, about many things… most people have not been exposed to my writing as it was typically kept away in a note book. But over the last few years I have been encouraged to write more by people close to me. So I’m gonna give it a try and see what happens.
    Any ideas on topics? I have a few, but I am a little leery of a few of them. I don’t want to jump into controversial topics right off the bat. I have no clue who is reading this presently, not that I want to tailor my writing to anyone mind you. I guess I’m surprised to not have gotten any feedback so far. Maybe that is my fault from my first blog back… I didn’t mean to squelch any dialogue, simply to express that I wasn’t open to negativity (criticism of my feelings). I am good with a healthy debate and even to disagree. I hope to be respectful in what I write and I hope that any comments will be respectful as well.

    I think that’s all for me today kids. I’m having some focus issues. LOL. So I’m going to spend the day enjoying my family. I hope you all have a great day today. Love to all.

May 5, 2011

  • Purging

    As hard as I might try, today has been emotionally charged to say that least. It’s also been incredibly difficult because I can’t seem to get close to Tancy, to let her in. She’s always the person I turn to… and for some reason, I can’t. I feel prickly and angry and I just can’t get close to anyone. The sound of my own voice is grating, so I’m having trouble even speaking… about anything.

    How can this be? I am a communicator. I talk about everything. It’s how I process. Furthermore, I talk to Tancy about everything. Even the stuff I think no one should say out loud. How did I get here and how the hell do I get out?!

    We ran an errand and I cried half the way there and all the way back… I settled down a while after getting home and then broke down in tears once again. I just feel like a complete wreck. I want to be strong, I want to be brave, I want to have perspective and peace about the situation. Right now, I lack all of those things. I am pissed, disappointed, hurt & confused. I want to ignore these feelings. I really wish I could be ok with this, to truly believe it will all work itself out and my dream will come true, and see this as another opportunity to try again. Instead, today, I see it as a failure. I am not ok with it. I am ashamed to admit that I question if my dream will come true… And yet, I know, if I can’t get there… to that place… the place of acceptance and peace… that I jeopardize any chance I have left to get pregnant. Negativity and cynicism will only hinder this process. And tear me apart in the interim.

    Sooo… What do I do? I think the answer, at least for now, is cry. Let it be. Feel whatever there is to feel. Then, when I am completely exhausted from all the big emotions, take a long hot soak in my big ol’ tub, then crawl into bed and pass out. There may be an alcoholic beverage in the mix there somewhere… who knows?! But it is evident that the harder I try NOT to feel, the bigger my feelings become. In an effort not to allow it to take control of my day, I have effectively lost control of myself. Ugh! Why do I always have to contradict myself? Do you know how frustrating that is?! To intend to do one thing and accomplish just the opposite… constantly… it’s insanity!

    I think that concludes this blog. I am just going to talk in circles if I keep this up… I hope you all have a good night. Love to all.

  • Thoughts today…

    Well, I have lots of things on my mind today, no one clear topic… so I’m just gonna type and see what comes out.

    Looks like the start of my period is imminent. Yay. Well, at least we have one more month. I must say, I am much better with answers than I am with limbo.

    I had acupuncture today… After he places the needles, I have 45 minutes to lay there and “relax” while they do their work…. I usually work on a meditation, try to focus my energy. Say a prayer, try to clear my head. Allow the process to work, not just lay there and make my grocery list. I practice focusing my mind, tuning out any “hot” places where a needle might be. I think we’ve devolved in such a way that any discomfort must be removed or numbed immediately that we no longer access the part of our brains that will do that for us. So I work on strengthening that in myself. But that’s a topic for another time I suppose.
    Anyway, today I focused my energy differently…. normally I think of it bouncing around in my body, like a closed circuit. I think of it increasing or decreasing, depending on what is going on and how I feel. But today, today I imagined all the walls coming down, all the blockages being busted apart, I opened the gates. Now, I know there are some of you reading this right now, rolling your eyes, and that’s cool… we are all different. But, when you have trouble dealing with something and your usual method no longer works, you have to figure out what does… and sometimes that means stepping way outside yourself. So, try to keep an open mind… or at least be entertained. LOL.
    Back to what I was saying, I tried to picture being open, nothing restricting, nothing closed; mind, heart, body & soul. I thought about how tightly I hold things when I’m anxious, when I am scared, when I am hoping (to be pregnant). I guard my heart, I put up walls in my own mind, I even guard my uterus… Stick with me here… I am so afraid that I am going to do something wrong, something that will keep me from getting pregnant or something that will damage a potential pregnancy that I effectively cut parts of me off as a protective effort… But in acupuncture, the goal is to get energy flowing, to help your body work the way it should… so if I’m blocking energy by being so protective, how effective can the acupuncture really be? Change your mind, the rest will follow, right? I felt so much lighter when it was all said and done… and although I am not full flow, I am now doing more than spotting… Immediately after the session mind you. Maybe I was holding on so tightly that I was preventing my body from doing what it needed to do. I believe its possible, it was waiting on me to let go.

    Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not so enlightened… I am sad that I am not pregnant, I am disappointed that we have ended another cycle, unfruitful. I am scared that my dream of having another baby, of being a mom again, of feeling the joys of a growing child inside me will slip away unfulfilled. I am in a foul mood. I want to cry, but I can’t. I want to be mad, but at what? It is what it is and what is meant to be will be. I believe these things, though presently they bring me no comfort. I feel silent and small. And I realize that my emotions are big and while quiet, affect anyone within a 50 yard radius. I couldn’t wait to get home and get on the computer to try to purge, to prevent from being such a negative force today.

    I already want to start the conversation with Tancy about extending our deadline… But I don’t want to be so desperate. I want to tell her that I just can’t give up yet… but I don’t want to be so defeated already. I know that you can push for something so hard that you can make it happen, even when it shouldn’t have. I don’t want to do that. But I just don’t feel ready to throw in the towel. I know there are lengths that I am not prepared to go to, certain treatments, certain costs, etc. But I am struggling with the deadline presently. I keep trying to tell myself that we will cross that bridge when we get to it, but I never expected to be so close to it.

    The universe is odd, when you think of it… pick something that causes you discomfort, pain, displeasure, anxiety, etc. and it will be absolutely everywhere. LOL. So, today, when I stop at walmart for pads and mother’s day cards, what do I see? More pregnant women than you can shake a stick at! They are every where… and where they aren’t, women with new born babe’s. Ugh! I want to scream out. But again, at what? I cannot, I refuse to allow myself, to be a jealous person. I wouldn’t trade my circumstances for anyone else’s. I have a great life, a truly wonderful partner, a daughter who is everything I ever hoped she would be… What reason do I have to be jealous? I don’t know what their life is like outside of a snap shot. But it’s funny how some things appear to be more prominent when you really don’t want to see them.

    Right now, I’d like to get trashed… just lose myself for a while. Blow off some steam and really decompress. But that’s highly unlikely. I will continue to be a responsible adult, I will consider Tancy and Lillie, I wont take time from them. I wont look for ways to numb myself to all that I feel and silence all my thoughts. I will figure out the best way to feel what I feel while doing the best I can not to impact either of them negatively.
    There was a time when I would have turned to food… that would have been my drug of choice, so to speak. But that brings me no comfort, and to be honest, I am glad. Old habits die hard and I still look to food for comfort occasionally, but it just isn’t there any more. I’m not sure what caused the shift, I am certain I didn’t do it, LOL, but I am glad for it. Now, if only I were thinner for it! Haha!

    It’s clear that I have no real train of thought here, I am bouncing around and, to be honest, I lack much focus. I may return later… I am not sure… hopefully for now I have downloaded enough to make a difference.

    Lillie is down for a nap, and much the same as yesterday, is laying in there talking to herself. LOL. Gotta love her!

    Thanks for taking the time to read. Love to all.