Wow. I am tired tonight. It has been a long and full day. It started at 8:15. Well, let me back track, last night I was still up late. AT&T didn’t call till 8:45, I was on the phone with them till 9:30. Then, of course, it was time to pump again. Then to bed and slept till 1:30. Back up at 3:30 with doodle for a bottle and decided to pump again. Tancy came home around 7:30 and I grunted at her when she tried to talk to me. LOL. Lillie was up at 8:15, talking to the sea creatures on her bumper pads, or maybe her mobil… who knows for sure.

I fed her and pumped. I put her activity matt in the floor and let her play while I washed bottles, put sheets on to wash, put away her clothes that I had folded and sucked down a cup of coffee. I put her down for a nap at 11:45 and got dressed, washed my hair and woke Tancy. Lillie was up at 12:15, big nap, right?! We fed her around 1:00 I guess. She’s up to 7 ounces now, every 4 hours. I am worn out. I can barely make enough breast milk to keep up with her feedings. I am pumping every 2 hours during the day and 4 hours at night between 11 & 7. We have decided to start adding cereal to help sustain her a little longer than 4 hours.

We got ready and left the house at about 2:20 to head to the doctors office for our flu shots. Then we headed to babies ‘r us to get nipples and rice cereal. Then home! We went for a walk with Lillie. It was nice. Then home to give her a bath and bottle. The cereal bottle was a mess. We couldn’t get the right nipple and first she wasn’t getting much of anything… then she was getting drenched! We still didn’t get it right. I was a wreck… watching that much breast milk be on her pajamas instead of in her belly… that was tough for me. It’s hard work! Anyway, tomorrow we will try to spoon feed her cereal instead of a bottle.

I cooked dinner while Tancy fed Lillie. Once Lillie went to bed we ate and then just tried to decompress and catch up. I pumped after dinner and then got a quick bath. I’ll be up till 10:00, pump again and then go to bed. I feel more tired today than I did the day before with 4 hours sleep (I think I got about 7 last night). I’m not sure why.

I have been frustrated with the cereal business. Everyone wants to tell ya that she’s too little yet, she doesn’t need it, you’ll mess up her tummy. But I know she’s not getting full enough and I can keep increasing her ounces, but she never goes more than 4 hours between feedings during the day. At night I get one good run of about 8 – 10 hours out of her and then back to the 4 hour schedule. Some times, during the day, she doesn’t even make it 4 hours between feedings. It’s tough. I just want some idea of how much cereal and good ways to give it to her.

Well kids, I could rant and rave for a while, but I am just too tired. I hope you all have a great night.

Love to all!

Wow, last night turned out to be a long night. I was on the phone with AT&T till after 11:00, an hour and a half or better and still didn’t resolve the issue. Then I was so twisted about all that I couldn’t go to sleep. I finally dozed around 1:00… and Lillie was up for a bottle at 3:00. Got up, gave her a bottle, pumped and back in bed around 4:30 ish… and Lillie was up again at 7:00.

I was half asleep feeding Lillie when Tancy came in, she took over the bottle and I pumped. She swaddled Lillie up to see if she would go back to sleep so I could get some rest, she might have slept for another 45 minutes or so and then she was bright eyed and bushy tailed. Ugh! Thankfully I had prepared the coffee pot the night before, which reminds me I need to do that again, so I was able to have some coffee pretty quickly. I gave her the rest of her bottle from 7:00 (she only took half) and another 4 ounces of formula! I got her dressed and then myself and we headed out.

I decided to go by AT&T and have them look at my phone and Tancy’s (now doing the same thing). I get there and turns out they don’t test at that store, they don’t test phones or cards at any store in the state! What?! But right then and there they started working! Ok, so I head to Wal-Mart (the devil) to get a few things we need. Then make a bee-line home. Lillie started getting fussy at check out but fell asleep on the way home. Yay! I stopped to get a burger because I hadn’t eaten anything substantial since the steak at Mandy’s house. Then home.

She was happy in her car seat long enough for me to unload the car and put away the cold stuff. I then put her in her crib and let her watch her mobil, which she loves, if only the damn thing played longer. I got the fridge cleaned out, the dishwasher unloaded and reloaded and the laundry moved around before the fit started.

And it didn’t stop until her swaddle was dry at 2:00 and her Mom (Tancy) swaddled her up and put her to bed. She fussed for 4 minutes and was out. Awake at about 4:30 and hungry she had right at 7 ounces and was content.

Tylor was here putting in his application for a job out at the plant, Tancy and I helped him as we could. I had made pork chops and stove top stuffing… Tancy and I ate just before Tylor got there. She left for work, he finished his application while I bathed Lillie and then ate some dinner himself. At 6:30 Lillie was so fussy I knew it was bed time. She fussed for less than 5 minutes. I swear she goes to bed earlier and earlier every day. I don’t know what I am going to do when she’s sleeping during the day and not at night… but I can’t keep her awake. Tylor hung out a minute and headed home. I then stripped our bed and remade it and also stripped the guest bed. I’ll wash all that stuff tomorrow. I also finished folding the clothes I had washed today. I am tired. Worn out.

AT&T is suppose to call… I am almost done pumping and then I am getting in the tub, they are sure to call then!

I have lots more, but I am just too tired!

Love to all!

Like everything else at this point, I must multi-task as I blog… like every other night, I am pumping while I blog. That way when I get done with it all I can wash bottles one more time, get a shower and get in bed!

Today was a pretty good day. I went to Mandy’s earlier in the day rather than waiting till Tancy left for work. I thought that better for Lillie since she’s been so cranky in the evenings lately. So let’s see, back track to where I left off last night:
I was asleep about 9:00, up at 11:00 to pump. Back to sleep after washing bottles and up again at 3:00, back in bed around 3:30, up with Lillie for a bottle at 4:30. Back in bed at 5:00, Tancy home around 7:30ish, Lillie up at 8:30. Whew. Good thing I went to bed early last night! Talked to Mandy around 10:00 and decided to head on over there and be home for when Tancy would normally be up.

We had a good visit, but around noon (true to form) Lillie started getting fussy. Had a bottle, that appeased her for a bit, but not for long. As soon as lunch (steaks) was ready I ate and as soon as I was done we headed home. Lillie was asleep within minutes of pulling out of the driveway. She slept part of the way home. When we got home I could tell she was still sleepy, so I swaddled her and put her down for a bit more of a nap (this is about 2:30). She slept for a little more than an hour I guess. She was in a good mood for a while, then she was ready for a bottle. Tancy fed and then handed her over to me so she could eat. That’s when the shit hit the fan, nearly literally… Lillie had a shitastrophe! It came out of the side of her diaper and in my lap. Poor baby. Tancy cleaned her up and I cleaned me up. She was calm for a while. Tancy left for work and it wasn’t long that Lillie started getting a bit cranky, not too bad. So I decided to give her a bath. She loves her bath, she was in a great mood! But her eyes gradually started getting heavier and heavier. I got her out of the bath and put her pj’s on her after some lotion. She was a bit cranky and I decided to offer her a bit of a bottle just in case after all that pooping she was hungry. She took about three swigs and was out. I swaddled her and put her down. She hasn’t made a peep. I did check in on her, sleeping soundly.

So I called Mom and Dad to check in. Nothing exciting there, waiting on time to go to bed. LOL. I decided I would try to get a few things done around the house before it was time to pump again. I managed to clean the kitchen and sweep the floors. Then I dust mopped the floors too. I moved the living room furniture and all. It felt so good to get that done. It seems like it has been forever since I did the floors. I could still mop, but I am tired and really want to get in bed early again tonight. After the floors I put bottles together and washed the bottles in the sink.

I am pumping now, once that is done I will wash those bottles up and head to the back for a shower. That will feel so good! Then to bed…. maybe a scooby snack, though I am trying to do better about not having a snack every time I am up to pump. That certainly wont help my weight. I have felt some better today, a bit tired, a bit disconnected, but better than a couple of days ago.

Tomorrow I need to get some groceries, but I really need to clean out the fridge first. I am not sure how that will work out, but if I can, I will.

Tancy has off Tuesday and we are going for our flu shots. I am going to try not to have much of anything else to do that day so we get to enjoy some family time. Gosh, I have missed spending time with Tancy. Then Wednesday she’s back to nights for four nights in a row this time. I’ll be glad when this outage is over.

Well kids, its about that time. Wanna check my facebook and tie up some loose ends. Good night.

Love to all!

Wow, today has been a bit of a challenge. Lillie was fussy for most of the day. Her tummy was bothering her, and again, we have the idea that she is teething. She had moments of being happy and calm and then bouts of fits on and off all day.

I decided to give her a bath early today since she was so fussy and then her bottle. I intended to put her down right after her bottle. But she was so calm and content I wanted to just enjoy her for a bit. So she went down at her regular time even though she was done with her bottle at 6:30. Poor baby, I feel so bad, not knowing what to do to help her feel better. I do hope she feels better tomorrow.

So, now for the explaination to the title of this post. When this blog started it was a way to let everyone know what was going on with us. To post pics and just a good place for those who wanted to to be able to keep up with us. But now, it is something very different. Now it is basically my online diary. I don’t know who is reading this now, if anyone, and that is ok. This is a space for me to be honest about what I have going on, to put it out there where I can see it and digest it and then figure out what I need to do with it from there. Nothing more, nothing less.

There will be times I vent about a circumstance and possibly even a person. I will do so discretely so as not to hurt anyone or air dirty laundry unfairly. I hope that no one will be offended and that anyone reading will keep in mind that these are my thoughts and feelings. This will be a safe place for me to talk about being depressed, feeling lonely, experiencing great joy, future plans, current struggles… basically anything and everything that I might otherwise not talk to people about readily (or easily). My therapy essentially.

Lately I have been battling feelings of isolation and loneliness. I have realized that although being at home sounds great, close to my family, it isn’t the fix all that I can paint it to be. But the last visit home was absolutely wonderful and its hard not to romanticize that living there would be that way. However, I am smart enough to keep working it out until I can see clearly that living at home again would present its own set of unique problems. I left there for many reasons and I am sure that some, if not all of them, still exist there.

I haven’t figured out what to do about my feel isolated and alone. I know it will ease when the outage is over, but I doubt they will away completely. So I need to see what is out there. We have friends here, and they are great, but every one has their own lives and their own struggles. I maybe need to expand my social circle to include those with children and (though this one might be a bit harder to find) those who’s partners work shift work. Everyone in our lives are there for a purpose. There is no one person who can provide everything that we need, be that a friend or a partner. So it is important to realize the strengths of relationships and appreciate those, as well as find what we need that isn’t satisfied by said relationships. That’s where I am at.

Life has changed so much in the last year. Being pregnant, Tancy’s new job, having Lillie, priorities changing, family relationships evolving, finances, time constraints and so on. I try to keep Lillie on some what of a schedule because with Tancy’s work schedule that can be a challenge. Lillie and I can’t work nights because Tancy does. So I tend to not do things at night so that she can be in bed at bedtime each night. I haven’t set a rigid bed time for her, but buddy, if she isn’t in bed at 7:00 – 7:30 at the latest, she will let you know! So I don’t want to be out late, dragging her around and her not getting her rest. Being basically on my own is hard enough without adding her fussiness because she’s up past her bed time. Just leaving the house is alot of work, so sometimes I just don’t do it.

I think that a new baby + shift work = some pretty unique challenges. I am working hard to meet them with good solutions. But boy is it hard sometimes. I can day dream about getting a phone call from a friend saying they are coming to hang out and bringing dinner. Or coming by to hang out and help with Lillie so I can get some house work done. Or coming by to help with house work. LOL. There’s just so much to get done in a day… and still give Lillie some attention and interaction. Whew.

Well kids. I am done pumping. I am going to make a bottle, maybe grab a snack and climb into bed. I am hoping to get to sleep early… I am bone tired tonight.

Love to all!

Well, today started out really good. Lillie slept, after her 6:00 feeding, till nearly 10:30. I had time to make coffee, pump, start laundry, feed Hemmi, wash bottles and drink almost a whole cup of coffee. I usually don’t even have time to pee! LOL.

She woke up in a great mood, talking and smiling. She had a bottle and then I put her activity matt down and she laid under it and “played” for quite a while. I managed to get two loads of laundry done, wash bottles again, pump again, pick up around the house, get dressed, brush my teeth and wash my hair! Impressive. We had tummy time for a while, but she got mad and I picked her up before she rolled over again (Tancy’s sleeping during the day, a crying baby doesn’t help one sleep soundly). She had another bottle and then I tried to put her down for a nap. She fell asleep in my arms and I put her in her crib. She might have slept another 15 minutes before waking up practically screaming. I went and got her and we tried it again, she slept in my arms for a bit. I would have swaddled her, that’s about the only way she sleeps for any period of time (that and being held), but it was in the wash… so that was out. Tancy got up during this nap and before long Lillie was awake again. She had another bottle, but her mood wasn’t as good as it had been earlier in the day. It got progressively worse. We put her down for a nap after her bottle and she slept 30 minutes I guess. Her mood hadn’t improved at all! LOL.

Tancy and I had dinner together. We sat on the porch with Lillie for a while. When it was time for her to go we came in. Tancy left for work, it was hard tonight. I have been doing pretty good, I guess you could say I am getting used to her working nights. But after this long I guess I should be used to it. Around 6:00 I gave Lillie a bath and about 6:30 she had her bottle. She was in a great mood after her bottle, lethargic and sleepy. We chatted a bit and then I swaddled her and laid her in her crib. She didn’t make a peep. Went sound to sleep in maybe 2 minutes… that’s probably stretching it.

After she went to bed I pumped again, I cooked some ground meat for a taco salad of sorts (the meal I had with Tancy was my lunch). I smoked a cigarette after I ate (Tancy left me one and my nerves have been a bit shot… she’s got till she’s fully qualed to stop and me, well, I might have a half of one after Lillie is in bed and before I shower… but that’s gonna come to an end… I don’t really even like it anymore). Then I came inside and got a shower.

Now here I sit, in bed blogging. Today has been full of thought for me. I have been feeling pretty lonely and isolated lately. I am not sure what to do about that. Today, if I could, I would move back home. But when you are emotional isn’t a time to make life changing decisions. Plus it really isn’t feasible. It wouldn’t be fair to be that far away from Tancy’s family… I can only speak for where my mind is at this very moment. And I know that things would be much easier, today, if we were in Louisiana. But I know there would be pros as well as cons to living there. I can’t pretend that life would be perfect if we moved back home. The best thing I can do for me is find a solution to my problems where I am at now. Cause really, what else can you do? You can’t move and expect not to be where you are. Ya know? I will get there. Just like most things, I didn’t expect this outage to be this difficult on us.

I can honestly say it is hard on both of us, not just me. I know Tancy worries about me and wants nothing more than for me to be happy. She doesn’t like knowing that I feel so lonesome and I know she feels somewhat responsible. But the fact of the matter is I chose to live here in North Carolina, and when she took this job we talked about the sacrifices that we would make. So it isn’t her responsibility at all. I really need to calm myself and figure out what it is I need and then make it happen. I have such a hard time letting people in when I am struggling. I don’t want people to see me emotional, upset… a wreck. That’s hard for me. I think it is for most people. I wrestle with it and try to work it out on my own for a long time before I reach out to someone. It’s almost painful to say “I need”, whatever that might be. And if I reach out and don’t get the reception I need, I am even more reluctant the next time. Then, before I know it, I’ve withdrawn. So, what’s the answer? I have no clue.

Tonight I am going to finish blogging, respond to a few messages on facebook, pump one more time and then turn in for the night. I’ve got about 30 minutes before I need to pump again, so I am going to wrap this up and take care of the other things right quick.

I hope you all have a good night, who ever might be reading this at this point.

Love to all!

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Wow, I don’t even know how long it has been since I posted last. I suppose I could have looked, but it doesn’t matter really.

Seems like so much has happened in the last few months. I guess having a baby will do that to you. Then we went on vacation to the beach with the Dean/Fischer family. That was a learning experience for me… by that I mean I have to work hard at what seems to be a growing number of things…but we had a good time all in all.

We made a flying trip to Ohio to bring Scout to Zach. We felt like we weren’t giving the dogs the attention that they were accustomed to and needed. Zach really wanted a puppy and Jessi and Joe’s criteria was that it had to be trained, so Scout was perfect. That was so hard. I cannot tell you how much I cried, how many times we went back and forth about it and how close I was to changing my mind entirely. But it has worked out great. Hemmi is happy, Scout is getting a ton of love and attention, not to mention new activities. I still miss her, but it was the right decision.

Lillie and I just got back from our trip to Louisiana. It was wonderful. I was so happy for Maw-Maw to see Lillie and them to get some time together. I was additionally happy for the rest of the family to meet her and get some time. The time we were there went by so fast. It was great and difficult all at the same time, it’s hard to be away from Tancy and our home for that long. Plus its just a new phase in our life… one more thing to learn our way around… shift work, travel, a baby and the list goes on. Lillie traveled like a champ. She slept the entire time on the flight there and the flight back. She did well with all the attention and activity as well. Saturday, when the whole family was at Mom and Dad’s house was a bit tough for her after a while. Sunday I believe her tummy was bothering her so we had a rough spot or two that day as well. I am telling you, nothing is the same once you have a baby and its turned upside down when you travel with a baby. But I wouldn’t have it any other way! Boy was it hard to leave there. It was so nice to spend time with my family and see them every day.

Tancy is currently in the middle of an outage. She started nights after we got back from vacation and will be on nights until the middle of October. It sucks. It is like being on my own (except financially, lol) and that’s tough with a little one. Of course I know there are single Mom’s that do that every day plus the financial aspect. I am fortunate, I know, I get to stay home with our baby and take care of her and our home. I don’t have the additional pressure of having to work as well. But man, some days are hard. It’s lonely and too quiet, it’s stressful and although sometimes I think about or want to go do something to get out of the house, I can get overwhelmed with the process and decide against it. I’m quiet during the day because Tancy’s sleeping, I work twice as hard to keep Lillie happy because Tancy’s asleep. At night, I am quiet because Lillie is sleeping. I want to get things done, but I am so tired that it just doesn’t always happen. I try to get in bed and to sleep as quickly after Lillie is asleep as I can, but that doesn’t usually work out. I can feel like all there is to do is just piling up and I’ll never get it all done. That is an additional adjustment for me, not being able to just tear through the house and get done what I need/want to get done.
With feedings, pumping, bottles, diapers, play time, getting ready (her… and me as soon as I can) and trying to eat, pay bills, balance the check book, cook, clean up, laundry, taking care of Hemmi and the 9 million other things I have to do I just get done what I can. The house really needs a good scrubbing, but I can’t get it done here by myself. I just want to knock that pile down to something manageable and see if I can keep it up from there. I guess this is the desire of most any Mom who can’t find enough hours in the day.

So yesterday Lillie rolled over for the first time, she did it twice in a row! We were amazed and so proud! I think she’ll crawl before too long, she’s got her legs going and pushing with them, she’s just gotta get her arms going with her legs and she’ll be off and running! We are going to have to get an area rug for the living room. She’s smiling, she’ll give a half laugh, but nothing like a real giggle or full laugh yet. She’s so expressive and she “talks” all the time. I swear if she isn’t talking in the next few months I’ll be surprised. I’ll say “I love you” and she’ll mutter something that sounds like she’s trying to say it back. I am sure people will think I’m crazy, there’s no way she’s trying to talk… whatever… I am telling you the kid is trying as hard as she can. If you ask a question, she will respond. She doesn’t just start out crying, she starts out “fussin”, sounds like she’s complaining, lol, in her own little language. We’ll see I guess. I can’t wait though! She’s getting so big, she’s 24″ long and currently weighs 12 pounds 4 ounces. Just two weeks ago she was 23″ and 10 pounds 15 ounces!
I am still pumping, I pump a little better than an ounce for each hour. But if I wait longer than about 5 hours to pump that amount decreases. Optimum pump time would be every 2 – 4 hours. Any less and its not worth the trouble. Any more and its not as productive. I had to buy a new pump since I exclusively pump. I killed two pumps! LOL. When we aren’t traveling or out and about I make enough for her to have only breast milk, I don’t have to supplement with formula. But if we travel or are out running around its hard to coordinate bringing a breast milk bottle and heating it, as well as a place to pump. So we usually bring a formula bottle with us to give her if she’s hungry while we are out. I don’t like giving her formula simply because I can tell that it bothers her stomach, she spits up more from it and ends up with gas (she typically wont have gas from breast milk unless I have eaten something that gives me gas, which isn’t often) that hurts her belly. So if I can avoid giving her a formula bottle, I do.

Finances are tighter right now than I would like them to be. But we’ve had several expenses lately, vacation and the breast pump… both big ticket things. The outage overtime should help with that. I am already thinking about Christmas and the cost coming with that. Not to mention the trip to Ohio for Jessi’s wedding and the trip to Louisiana at the end of October for our “Christmas” trip. It’ll all work out, it always does. I just hate thinking about, worrying about, money. If you have it you worry about it and if you don’t you worry about it… but I’d sure rather the worry from having it! LOL.

I’ve got a list a mile long of things to do/get, if possible, with some of the over time money. I also have a list a mile long of things I need/want to get done around the house. We’ve got things stretched pretty thin lately, with activities, travel, household stuff and holidays. But this is really nothing new for us as most of you know. Plus we will soon be planning our next baby! Whew! Haha. One thing is for sure, we don’t do anything half ass!!

Today was a bit of a tough day with Lillie, she spit up alot, both in volume and frequency. I, of course, worry about that. It isn’t her typical to spit up alot. She did tummy time twice today and rolled over again. She has been doing better… but the pallet we have been making for her isn’t going to be big enough for much longer. She really likes to be laid down and talked to. She’s not really big on being held alot. But she LOVES to be talked to. I talk to her all day long… I know… that’s hard to believe. Sometimes she will fuss if you aren’t talking to her. She loves her changing table. Strange I know. But if she’s fussing, you can (usually) lay her on it and talk to her and she will smile and start talking back. She also really loves being outside, unless its hot… she is a hot natured baby (got that from her Momma, poor thing). She tries to hold her bottle, she can manage it for a bit until her hands get going. The last two nights she has slept all night long. 10 1/2 hours night before last and 10 hours last night. See, if I could sleep I could be well rested. But not only do I have trouble falling asleep alot of times, even when I do go to sleep, I’ve got to get up to pump. So it’ll be a while before I can take advantage of the 10 hours of sleep. But that’s ok. I am doing my best to do what is best for her.

I don’t know how many of you knew that I had been having trouble with my wrist since she was born. I think it started with the IV that they put in for induction. Tendonitis, I got a cortisone shot. It’s been feeling better, the anti-inflammatory helps also. I am suppose to be keeping it immobile, but that seems near impossible with a 3 month old. I am trying to take the anti-inflammatory on a schedule. I have to go back in a month to let the doc take a look at it again.

I can’t think of anything else. I have just felt out of sorts today. I have been home sick since I got back from Louisiana. That isn’t a common feeling for me. I miss my family, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t often have that feeling of wanting to be back in Louisiana, to live there. Tancy and I have had conversations about our respective homes and how much easier it would be to live near family (our parents, etc.). But neither of us can be any further away from our families than we already are. I’m 12 hours from mine and she’s 6.5 hours from hers. It isn’t exactly middle, but it is where we are and I can’t see any way that it would be different (although Tancy would move to the coast, correction, the Keys, in a heart beat!). But as of today, I think alot about living back in Louisiana. Which is surprising because I never thought I would ever want to live in Louisiana again. Just another fine example of how a baby changes everything. I’d love for Lillie to have time with Maw-Maw on a regular basis. I would love to be able to hang out with my cousins and their kids. I’d love (though it would require a move on her part) for Lillie and Marlie to grow up together. But I made the choice to leave home and there’s really no way to make it different at this point in time. I like it here, don’t get me wrong. But I think it is harder to be away from family. We have our friends and they are our chosen family… and they are great. But there’s something about  being able to call your Mom up and have coffee together in the morning. Or go hang out with Maw-Maw and listen to her stories (even though you’ve heard them a million times). Or having Dad nearby when I am home alone at night, should I need him. To not feel so isolated when Tancy is working her crazy outage schedule, or working the weekend on nights. Yes, I knew all these things before, but the emotion attached to it all now is different. I guess I just needed to have an outlet for those feelings.

It feels good to write again. I haven’t felt like it in a while. I haven’t been depressed, but I have been struggling lately with changes I feel like I need to make as well as reconciling some of my feelings about one thing and another. I just couldn’t sort it all out in my head. And that, for me, is so very difficult. I usually just get it out there and then work it out through that process. Alot of times its feelings that involve others and I just can’t post about those things. That wouldn’t be right. So I can feel kinda stuck, without an outlet. My biggest struggle right now is Tancy being in this outage. I hardly see her. I do feel isolated right now. Some of that, I suppose, is my own doing. I don’t make alot of efforts to get out there and do things with others. It’s hard for me, feed Lillie, pump, do bottles, get us both ready, get everything together and head out the door… then be back in no more than 6 hours from the time I started to pump so that I can pump again. It’s hard to make myself do. Plus I can withdraw from everyone when I feel stressed or emotional because I don’t want others to see it, I don’t want to share that part of me with everyone. I also don’t want to be a bitch to others, so if I feel rigid, I stay home. If I stay at home, I can at least manage what I have to do and I can interact with Lillie in a positive way. But soon I am going to have to get over myself. Lillie needs interaction with more than just me, and I want her to have that. But my other issue is wanting certain things on my terms, or the way I want it… and that just isn’t the way it works. Ugh…… so complicated.

Well, I think I have bounced all over the place enough tonight. It feels like now that the door is open again there’s just so much coming through and I need to channel it a little better. But that’s how it works, it’s a jumbled mess when I start again after a long time away. I don’t know if I will be able to blog often from here on out, but I hope to blog more often than I have been. Maybe, if nothing else, it will help me to sleep better at night… less bouncing around in my head.

I hope that everyone is doing well.

Love to all!