May 9, 2011

• Self Confidence

  Hmm... What do I want to talk about today?!

  I truly have no idea. I've started two topics now and erased both. LOL. I think I am a bit afraid to tackle some topics that I feel passionate enough about to discuss... I don't have my footing just yet with regard to opening up a fresh blog and typing away.

  I wonder what makes the difference in people who have confidence and those who don't? My confidence has suffered greatly over the years. So much so that I find it painful to accept a compliment... It is difficult, at best, to not counter a compliment with a negative. And to actually acknowledge a compliment with a thank you is harder than I would like to admit. This isn't specific to a type of compliment... it can be about my appearance, cooking, house cleaning, attitude, absolutely anything.

  I have contemplated this on many occasions. My parents were loving and congratulatory. They praised me for a job well done and let me know when they were proud of me. I made good grades, I had friends, I had boyfriends... so where does this terrible condition from?

  Granted, my first marriage was a real doozey... but I lacked confidence before that (or I probably wouldn't have gotten myself into the situation to begin with). Was it a weight issue? I have never been a skinny girl. But I knew many other girls who were chubby, chunky, curvy, plump, round, healthy, big boned, etc. and they seemed to have far more self confidence than I dared imagine.

  I will remember one negative statement for years... But moments after a positive statement I question it, repeat it back, doing my best to commit it to memory, ask for someone else's perspective of the exchange to make sure I didn't misinterpret... and within a few hours, it's gone from me forever. It's terrible really. If it is someone that I am close to paying the compliment, I convince myself that they are saying it to be nice, or because they have to. What is wrong with me?

  I have searched my memory banks, gone through the cataloged events in my mind and I can't think of one thing that might have caused this. I can't even think of a series of things that led me to this place. Nor have I successfully found a solution to my problem. When someone does compliment anything I have done, at this point, I want to pick their brain, find out what they really think about it... what was the best and the worst about whatever it is they are complimenting. I think it is a sickness really. LOL.

  I do know that I dislike complimenting someone else and hearing "oh, it was nothing", or "I didn't do anything", or whatever the come back might be. So, I have vowed to work on this about myself. If I can't say something nice, I wont say anything at all... but I will do my best to manage a "thank you" or a "you're welcome", which ever is appropriate.

  While I may never know why I have this issue, and I am not sure it is even relevant, I do hope to over come this obstacle. I would love to have the confidence in myself that I might know when something I have done is wonderful, without any outside confirmation. I don't like needing that reassurance from others. I want to cook a meal, take a picture, write a blog (I can think of a hundred things here) and know that it was good, to feel confident about it and not question myself. Additionally, I would like to feel good about myself in general. I don't want to cringe when I see a picture of myself, I don't want to be so down on myself. I want to walk with my head up and my shoulders back, feeling well within myself.

  So, where are all my confident people out there? Tell me how to do you keep your self confidence level healthy?
  All of you who lack confidence, how do you over come that? Do you over come that?

  In an exercise to remind myself that I have good qualities, without any outside influence, I am going to list things about myself that are good... to prove to myself that I can identify them. Ok, here we go, here are the things I think are positive, about me:
  I am a great Mom.
  I am a good partner/wife.
  I am faithful.
  I am honest.
  I am loving.
  I am caring.
  I am a good friend.
  I am considerate.
  I am a good cook.
  I am intelligent.

  Ok, that was harder than I thought... 10 things... that shouldn't be so tough. LOL. And I am going to wrap this up before I find a way to list the things I don't like/am not good at as well. LOL.

  Feel free to share, even if it is only to list 10 things you think you are good at.

  Love to all.

  • 2:01 pm
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