Monday we woke feeling better, I think we slept till about 9:00 or so. Mom and Dad were a bit concerned I think… but we just tried to catch up as much as we could. We had scheduled grooming for the dogs for that day (thinking that Lillie would have been here before then) and Tancy was going to take them and then get the trash to the dump. We decided to take a little ride after she got back home (this is all late afternoon) just to get out of the house a bit. I was pretty sore, but feeling good and thought getting out of the house (not at the hospital) was a good idea, for everyone. The day was uneventful really, it was a good day.

That night we went to bed and tried to settle in. During the last feeding of the day Lillie spit up and there was, what looked like, blood in it, some red, some brownish. I knew it hadn’t come from her belly and my guts told me she was ok…. but those damn hormones kicked in and I was a mess. We called our pediatrician (who we had an appointment with for Wednesday) and got the doctor on call. Said it was probably nothing to be concerned about, just keep an eye on her and go ahead and bring her in on Tuesday morning. This brought me no comfort at all. She spit up milk twice and had three dirty diapers in a matter of an hour – hour and half. So my night was spent listening for her breathing, crying, spitting up, whatever noise she might make I listened for it. Waking her for feedings, struggling through those a bit and getting absolutely no sleep at all.

As soon as it was time we called the doctors office to get an appointment time to take her in. In the mean time Dad had decided to head home (2 days early) and that sent me spinning. I just fell apart. I begged him not to leave, I wasn’t ready. I knew it would be hard when he left, but I had prepared myself for Thursday. After the night I’d just had, it was more than I could take. He agreed to leave on Wednesday instead. We got ready for the doctors appointment and had to make the decision for Mom and Dad to go with us or not. We decided not, for the simple fact that Tancy had physical therapy after Lillie’s appointment and they would have been miserable waiting. They took a ride and we agreed to meet for lunch.

At the doctors appointment our pediatrician assured us that it was nothing to worry about, that was actually blood from my nipples, not from her. Just part of the nursing process (and someone couldn’t have warned me this might happen?!) and nothing to be concerned about. He was patient with us and answered all of our questions, addressed all of our concerns. They weighed her, she’d lost 2 more ounces, this breaks my heart for some reason. But he assured me this was normal as well and she would pick back up. My milk was already coming in and that would change everything. They took blood to test her jaundice level and we were on our way. I fed her in the parking lot at the doctors office, she was so fussy and hungry. We went on to Tancy’s physical therapy and I nursed her again once we got there. She was sacked out after all that and when Tancy was done we headed to meet Mom and Dad for lunch. We got home from lunch and I think, after nursing Lillie again we laid down for a nap. I can’t remember to be honest. We decided to go out for dinner since it was Dad’s last night here, we wanted to take him to this steak house we’d found that has awesome steaks. It was worth it!! By the time we got home we were all spent and headed to bed fairly early.

Wednesday morning Mom woke me to tell me Dad was coming in to say bye. That sucked. I understand why he does that… but it is really hard to feel like you don’t really get to say bye. It’s that half asleep “I love you” and then your eyes roll back in your head. So when you wake up you don’t feel like you said it at all. But that’s what he needs sometimes and I can understand doing what you need to do. Wednesday ended up being a full day. We went to Wal-Mart to get some things. Thought we’d have time to be home for a bit before hair cuts, but that didn’t work out. We came home, Mom & Tancy slung the groceries in the house, put away the cold stuff and we were on our way again. I nursed Lillie while Tancy got her hair cut and eye brows waxed. Mom got a hair cut and by that time I was done nursing. I got my eye brows done and Tancy and Mom proceeded to make a mess changing Lillie’s dirty diaper. It was funny. We soon were headed home. I was hurting and worn out. It was too late to nap at that point, but I did veg on the couch. We were in bed fairly early. Finding that having her down by 7:00 was working the best for all of us. She settled in easier and we ended up getting more sleep that way too. Up every 4 hours for feedings wasn’t a bad deal either.

Thursday we’d planned to head out in search of nursing bras. I had bought some cheapies, not sure how well the nursing thing would go and not wanting to spend that money just in case. We found this great (all-be-it expensive) store called the Milky Way in Charlotte. I was able to find bras, both sleeping and regular, to give me proper support. We also got the Ergo carrier we wanted to get with the infant insert so we can use it sooner. Mom and Tancy could have gone wild in there, they picked up 2 hats while we were there as well. I also found some better cream for my poor, sore nipples. By the time we left there I felt like I was going to pass out from hurting so bad. Thankfully we headed home. We got the call that Lillie’s jaundice level was good, but our pediatrician wanted to repeat on Friday, no appointment needed. I think I laid down and took a nap, I am really not certain at this point. I know I was hurting pretty badly. I had tried to get out of bed, I think Monday night, with Lillie in my arms because she was fussy and it felt like I pulled something. I know I shouldn’t have done that… but when you have a crying child in your arms you are only thinking about soothing them. Thursday night strikes me as uneventful… I think she slept pretty well, we had her in bed early again and as I said, that makes all the difference in the world.

Friday morning we got up and got ready early. I had my check up with my OB to check my incision. I was going to talk to the lactation consultant there as well. Then we would be stopping at the pediatricians office for another jaundice test and weigh. Another busy day. I was hurting pretty badly, but managed to get ready and get there. I had lost 12 pounds since giving birth (not alot, but when you think about that meaning I was 12 pounds lighter than I was when I got pregnant that seems more significant). My blood pressure was good. My incision looked good as well. The pain was normal. Since I stopped taking anything other than Motrin and Tylenol since I got home from the hospital, I was just going to feel it more. I just can’t take the percocet, it makes me too emotional, always has. We talked to the lactation consultant, she basically confirmed what we already knew. I was frustrated with her by the time we left. She was too hyper and didn’t listen to what I needed to talk about at all. Oh well, I got to nurse Lillie while we were there, partially at least, and that was something.

We were off to the pediatrician. She gained 1.5 ounces, yay! That renewed my confidence in myself some. They took her blood and once again I nursed her in the car in the parking lot. Then we stopped to get lunch and headed home. We were expecting Sonia & Heather late afternoon. Then Mandy and Steve were coming and bringing dinner. Tylor and Val were coming as well. I was hurting, tired and feeling overwhelmed. I was also just taking into consideration that Tancy was returning to work in the morning and that hit like a ton of bricks. Then I thought about how late it would be before I got Lillie down and we were just establishing a routine. She doesn’t do well up late right now. That will change, but she’s just brand new. I wasn’t able to take a nap, it was too late and people would be arriving soon. I kept on schedule with nursing and she nursed for more than an hour at 5:30 (normal routine then would be nap, wake at 6:30 for bath, nurse at 7:00 and down for 4 hours). I started getting chills, this isn’t going to be good. I cried and basically had a melt down. I didn’t want anyone to know. I felt embarassed and badly. I just wanted everyone to go home and for the house to be quiet so I could rest. I know that sounds terrible and I hope that anyone reading this takes everything into consideration. Again, it isn’t because I don’t appreciate everyone and love them and want to share this with them… but hormones, emotions, pain and exhaustion kicks in at the most inopportune times! Obviously I wasn’t going to run everyone off, so I sat in Lillie’s room, nursing her, and cried. Tancy came in the check on me, was very concerned for me and tried to buffer as best she could. When Lillie was done nursing, she helped me get to bed. I begged her to not let Lillie cry (although I don’t like it when people will just hold a screaming kid and let them cry, this isn’t the reason) because every time she cried my milk came in and I was miserable. We decided that I should pump and so she helped me with that. I had the shakes I was so cold. I pumped 4 ounces off of each breast (after more than an hour of nursing her)! Tancy was proud and impressed, I was just miserable. I asked her for an 8:30 curfew… she had to go to work in the morning and Lillie wasn’t going to sleep at all. I knew this… I am not sure if she believed me or not.

Again, being the great friends and family they are, everyone picked up on how badly I felt and made their way home. Heather & Sonia came in to tell me bye first, I think they saw exactly how miserable I was (though I would have preferred for no one to see that). Lauren was next. Mandy was last, she put Lillie to sleep before leaving and came in to check on me. I just wanted Lillie in her pack ‘n play and Tancy in bed with me so we could all rest. Mandy was gone before long and Tancy and Lillie came to bed. Lillie hardly slept. She was fussy when Tancy tried to put her down. I nursed her and it took forever to get her settled. When she woke for her next feeding we were up for more than 2.5 hours just trying to get her setttled…. I’m doing all this trying not to keep Tancy up mind you. At her second feeding we were up through time for Tancy to go to work. I nursed her as long as she wanted and then brought her to Mom. I went back to bed. Thankfully for another 4 hours.

Saturday I spent all day resting. I even took a nap after lunch. I didn’t even get out of my pajamas all day. I did brush my teeth! I had managed a shower each day since I had been home and this was the first day I hadn’t gotten dressed. It was also the first day I hadn’t left the house or done anything other than nurse and take myself to the bathroom. Other than that, I did nothing. Mom went to get a few things after my nap and Lillie and I spent a little time alone together. That was nice, the first time I have had alone with her. Her belly button fell off and I was excited, this meant Tancy would be able to give her a bath! Her very first bath at home! Mom cooked dinner, Tancy got home and got a bath, we ate and then Lillie got her bath. I nursed her and then got my shower and we all went to bed. She slept soundly, I think she woke me up just before the clock to nurse. Took her a while to settle back down, longer than normal.

At her second feeding, 2:00, she didn’t really settle back down. I got up and nursed her on the couch some more then handed her off to Mom and went back to bed after Tancy left and Lillie was full. I slept another 3.5 – 4 hours. I’ve managed to get dressed and brush my teeth today. LOL. I haven’t done much else, blogged for nearly 3 hours at this point. I have a ton of pics, but those will have to wait. Lillie is waking and its time to feed her.

Love to all!

So the rest of the day (June 19th) of our baby’s birth was quite full. My Dad got in from Louisiana around 12:30. Also anxious to see his new grandbaby. She looked so tiny in his arms. He was quiet and careful with her and I could tell that his heart was full. He had made a flying trip, I think in a little less than 11 hours he had made the usual 12 hour drive.

Before long people started showing up. I can’t say who got there first, again, I was high as a kite for quite a while. I know that Sandy, Mandy, Amy, Jenn & Tab were all there. Mom and Dad left for the evening fairly early, Dad was exhausted from his trip. Aunt Jan called to check in, I remember talking to her and at some point just wanting to sleep. Sandy brought champagne and birthday cake, party hats and decorations. Lillie had her very first birthday cake (no she didn’t get to eat any of it). Everyone tells you that you need to rest, sleep when the baby sleeps… but they don’t tell you how to accomplish that with a room full of people waiting to see your precious new arrival. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love all my family and friends and wouldn’t have it any other way. I mean, honestly, I would be heart broken if no one came by or called… but it is exhausting and you get no rest. By 7:00 I had hit my wall and told our visitors that I really was worn out and as much as I loved them I needed them to leave us by 7:30 so we could all get some rest. My eyes had been rolling back in my head all day, I don’t think I’d gotten even so much as a little nap. Not to mention coordinating keeping my ass covered, asking people to leave the room when I got checked out by the doctor or nurse… it’s just all exhausting. Luckily, at that point, I hadn’t had to get up to pee, so I didn’t have that to contend with too. Very shortly after telling them I was tired they began to make their way to the door. I love them so for understanding and not taking offense. When everyone had cleared out it was time for the night nurse to come in, we decided to remove the catheter and get me up and moving. So much for the sleep I wanted so badly. It had been such a long day, starting at 5:00 (really we hadn’t slept well since we got there on Wednesday) and full of drugs for me that I don’t tolerate well… which means emotional and weepy and even bitchy (which I tried so desperately to control). It had been crimped, unbeknownst to me, earlier when the day shift nurse came in the “change me” (the pad they put down on the bed at least), so my output wasn’t great and that explained the reason for the pain I was feeling. We got that lined out and once the output looked good the nurse removed the catheter completley. Now I had to measure my urine in a “hat” that sat in the toilet. Joy! They were pumping me full of IV fluids, as they had been the entire time. I had to get up and sit in the chair for a while also. I was miserable. I was hot beyond what I could get a handle on and exhausted from the day. I think it was around 10:00 or so before I could get back in the bed and try to rest. I wont say that we slept well, first night with a new baby in the hospital, being checked every couple of hours… but we did sleep some.

The next day was full of the same obstacle, visitors all day and sheer exhaustion. Again, you can’t complain about people loving and caring about you enough (and your new baby… cause that’s really what its about) to come see you, and that isn’t at all what I am doing. I am simply discussing the challenges, for me, of the first days after Lillie was born. I hope that no one takes offense. If you’ve been there, you know already exactly what I mean to say and that it isn’t a complaint as much as just how it is, we got through it. Anyway, Mom and Dad got there first, I think. We visited. I think they brought breakfast, but to be honest, we were so bleary eyed I don’t think it registered to either one of us. Before long Mandy came by as well and so did Lauren. Angie and Crystal stopped by also. It wasn’t long before I knew I needed a break, I guess it might have been lunch time or so. I told everyone that I really just needed to take a nap, I was so tired and just couldn’t rest with a room full of people. I had to coordinate getting up to pee without showing my ass to everyone, I was bleeding and having to pee in a hat, which had to remain there till a nurse checked it. I was hot. I was trying to breast feed. I was also still getting checked by the nurses. It’s hard to manage all those things, be in pain and try to maintain some modesty and privacy. There is no rest under those circumstances. Thankfully, once again, everyone was very understanding and started making their way out not long after me letting them know what I needed. Mom and Dad got lunch, ran to Wal-Mart and I think even came back to the house for a while. We managed a nap, it was wonderful! Just what I needed I know. Tancy needed it as well.

After our nap I had a small melt down. Overwhelmed by the activity, the pain, the checks, the fluid, the hot flashes, the breast feeding, the hormones that were newly raging, the emotions I couldn’t explain, honestly, everything… that’s the best way I know to describe it, everything. I upset Tancy before it was all said and done, which I didn’t want or intend to do, I just needed to talk about what I was feeling, the things that were bothering me (irrational or rational they were my feelings) and try to decompress some. It seemed like she and I hadn’t had much time alone with our new baby at all and I just needed that time, to talk, to cry, to laugh, to count her fingers and toes… I had scarcely been able to hold her for more than feeding her and hadn’t even had the chance to check her out good. This thought made me sad. I wasn’t able to get up to change her diaper, I wasn’t able to get up to watch them give her her first bath the night before. I wasn’t resting and I was just raw. After talking I felt some better and some worse, concerned that I had hurt Tancy’s feelings and upset her. She’s my confidant though, I talk to her about everything. There’s no one I’d rather talk to about anything than her… this is our struggle sometimes.

Sonia and Heather came by for a quick visit. We were glad to see them and happy that they understood how tired we were. Mom and Dad came back as well. I knew they wanted to and we were up and feeling a bit better, so when Dad called I encouraged them to come back if they wanted. Gary, Mark and Curtis came by while Mom and Dad were there. They stayed about 15 minutes maybe, just long enough to check in on us and see Lillie. Not long after they left Mom and Dad left. We settled in for what would be a LONG night. Lillie decided that she needed to nurse in 30 minute incriments, 30 minutes of nursing, 30 minutes of sleep, repeat. It was absolutely exhausting. The only way I got any sleep was to let her sleep on my chest. This allowed Tancy to get some rest because she didn’t have to get up each time and put her back in the bassinet. I barely slept during those 30 minutes worried she’d stop breathing or I’d move my arms and she’d roll off. Then there were the checks from the nurse during the night as well. My nipples were raw and I was absolutely spent.

When morning came around I was hopeful that we would be discharged earlier. We’d seen the doctor (the one we really don’t like at all) the day before and he was pleased with my progress. We’d seen the pediatrician on call and he was pleased with Lillie. We didn’t think there would be any problems, just a matter of time. The pediatrician came in fairly early, Lillie got the all clear! My doctor was in the hospital, but who knew when we would see him… Luckily we’d made such good friends with the nurses (who didn’t like him either) that I think they swayed him in our direction earlier rather than later. We were out of there before noon. Lillie slept on the way home, but not before a small fit. Mom and Dad picked up lunch and we ate once we got home. Soon after I nursed Lillie and then Tancy and I both layed down to take a nap while Mom & Dad kept an eye on the little one. I think we slept 2 hours. We were both absolutely exhausted (which by the way isn’t really a good enough word to describe exactly how you feel at any given point). After our nap we felt some better and ready to keep at it. Lillie had been nursing fairly well and the evening was, thankfully, very quiet. Before long it was bedtime. I had to wake Lillie every 2 – 3 hours to feed her, but couldn’t complain. She slept well. It was just what we needed to renew us, a night with us having to wake her instead of the other way around.

**The much awaited post. Please pardon the length and possible mis-spelling of some medical terms.**

As you all know we were scheduled for induction on the morning of June 18th. We were to arrive at the hospital at 4:00 on the evening of the 17th. We left the house, ran an errand, got a bite to eat and were are the hospital for about 4:15. By 5:00 they got us through admission and we were in our room. We brought pastries with us to sweet talk our nurses, I know they all do a great job (and boy did they) but a little bit of sweetness never hurt anyone. Besides, it’s only right to take care of those taking care of you if and when you can. I can honestly say it paid off first shift!! By 6:00 I had my IV of fluids starting and the midwife with our group had come in to place the Cervadil (looks alot like a flat plastic tampon, they place is right on your cervix to help soften your cervix for dilation). That was an uncomfortable process (the placement of the cervadil) since Lillie was still so high. But we got through it and were on our way. They got me hooked up to the monitors (fetal heart beat and contraction) and I was bed ridden for 2 hours to let the cervadil start to work. After the 2 hours was up I was allowed to have potty breaks, having to unhook from the monitors each time, and I was having contractions. We were hopeful. Her heart beat was good and strong so everyone was happy. Mom stayed till about 8:00 and once she left we settled in, as best we could with all the poking, proding, monitoring, etc. for the night. Thankfully they gave me ambien to sleep and I did manage to get some rest.

At 5:00 on Thursday morning our midwife came in again to check my cervix. No change. Yes I’d been having contractions, but they weren’t productive enough to move her down and get the cervix dilating. My cervix was soft, but that was all that could be said. Pitocin was started and again, we were hopeful. Lillie’s heart rate still looked good and strong, I was still having contractions which did increase with the pitocin, certainly by 9:00 (when the our doctor got there to check me) we would have progress. Mom arrived at about 7:30 with a fresh batch of doughnuts for our nurses, we aren’t too proud to bribe people! Haha. Our nurses were not only fabulous but went to such lengths to hand pick our nurses at each shift change to ensure we got great care on each shift. When our physician got there at 9:00 and checked me she was still in virtually the same place she was upon admission the evening before. They’d been cranking the pitocin up every 30 minutes and we were about half way to my limit. She’d come back and check me at noon. Noon, no change. She said my cervix was very soft, so soft you could hardly tell that’s what it was… but no dilation, no change, she was still very high. Each “check” was so uncomfortable because my cervix was still so high, it was worse than anything else at that point. She’d be back at 5:00ish after office hours. 5:00 still no change. Shit! Are you kidding me?! I’d been having contractions every 2 – 5 minutes all day long, nothing extreme, I can’t say that they were more than very uncomfortable… they didn’t last longer than I could stand, but they were there. I’d been in bed, on clear liquids all day barely even able to get up to go to the bathroom because I was hooked to so much stuff. The bed sucked, my back hurt (I couldn’t tell if it was from the bed or the contractions) and I just wanted to get up and move around. We talked about our options. The first was to keep on the path we were on, back off the pitocin a bit and see if that helped (I was at max dose). The second was to stop the pitocin, allow me to move around, get a bite to eat and then start a drug called Sitotech (spelling??) its basically a tiny little pill that is placed directly on your cervix, again to help soften and dilate, it is much stronger than cervadil (dynamite in a pill) and has been used without pitocin very effectively to get labor going. Then, if there was change, start the pitocin again the morning. The last option was to go in for a c-section then. I personally needed a break. I needed to move around and eat, I needed to get out of that bed, walk, go to the bathroom without dragging all the monitors with me. I wasn’t ready to sign up for a c-section at that point, so we went with door number 2, sitotech. She took me off of all the monitors, stopped the IV and I got up and walked, had dinner and a bath. I was still contracting and still hopeful that just a break and moving around would encourage our little one to come on down! Mandy came up to the hospital to visit a bit. We all sat around, I had dinner though right now I swear I can’t remember what I ate. Mom went home around 7:00 I guess, the puppies needed to be fed and they had been outside all day. Mandy was going to stick around till the doctor got there, but she wasn’t coming till 9:00 – 10:00 to place the new med. It was already 8:00 and I could see Mandy winding down. So she headed home. Around 9:30 our doctor came in and placed the pill, she’d be in every 4 hours to place another and check things out. Upon placement, no change, go figure. I was a bit emotional and really feeling discouraged… but trying to remain positive and hopeful for the labor that I wanted to happen. I’d had no pain meds at all at this point, didn’t see any real reason. I suppose I could have justified it, there were points where I was ready for something to give me some relief, but I pushed through. I was exhausted. Luckily they gave me something to sleep and sleep I did, a bad sign that nothing was happening.

I got checked again around 1:00 AM, no change, more sitotech. I got checked again at 5:00, no change. Ok, let’s talk. Here are the options: Keep on this path, sitotech and add pitocin, see where that takes us. Or, c-section. We knew the pitocin would start contractions (which had apparently tappered off through the night since I slept so well our doctor had to wake me just to check me and administer more meds), but the problem was the baby moving down. She felt certain that the baby just wasn’t coming down on her own. Wasn’t sure if it was a size thing or position thing. We talked about my concerns about electing for a c-section. She said she thought no matter how much longer we kept trying I would end up with one. So why continue to torture myself? After discussing it all we all (Tancy, Me and our doctor) decided that the c-section was the best thing to do, and quite frankly inevitable. By 5:30 they had me back in the OR. Tancy barely had time to call Mom to let her know. Neither of us had time to even brush our teeth! LOL. Which for some reason concerned me greatly at the time.

 Here I am, they had already started, Tancy had just gotten back. I was happy to know that our baby would be here soon. Surprisingly enough I wasn’t scared at all. The anestesiologist did a great job with the spinal block, I barely felt it. Honestly, the IV hurt worse than the block! Everyone that took care of us was so fantastic, we could not have asked for better care.

 Tancy, excited and proud. This was the only picture they would let her take that wasn’t of me or the baby (once she was fully removed from my belly and under the warmer… liability issues I suppose).

I felt some pressure, nothing major. More than anything I felt a little stuffy, like hay fever or something. It seemed to be over pretty quickly. The only thing that took forever was sewing me up once she was out. I got to see her just for a second before they took her off, then it seemed like forever since I saw her again. Luckily Tancy was with her, and I could hear her cry when they checked her out, so I didn’t worry about it too much. I was just excited to see her and hold her for the first time.

Welcome to the world Lillie Tru, born June 19th at 6:54 AM, weighing 7.1 ounces (according to her birth certificate, though Tancy swears she was 7 pounds even) measuring 20 1/4″ long. She wasn’t the big baby we were expecting… and she was cocked in such a way (not exactly breech) that she just wasn’t coming down on her own. She has a full head of soft, fine, dark brown hair and steel blue eyes. She has long fingers and long toes and big feet! I love those feet. She is absolutely perfect and beautiful.

As soon as they would let me I held her and started to nurse, she took to it right away, like a champ. I could not have been happier!! I had to stay in recovery for a while before they would take me back to my room, which had moved to a c-section room (a room with a shower only instead of a tub/shower combo) instead of the room we were in before. Our favorite nurse came in and checked on us in recovery and would stick with us until she picked up another labor and delivery patient… then she would have to give us over to a mother/baby nurse.

Once we got back to the room Mom was there, she’d been there since I was in the OR, the nurses had told me she was waiting anxiously in the hall, the showed her to the room because they didn’t think it was right for her to be in the hallway (I told you they took good care of us, they wanted her to be more comfortable). She couldn’t wait to see her new grandbaby. I was still high as a kite! I couldn’t feel my legs at all. That was an odd thing. I had a catheter in, but happily couldn’t feel it either. Our doctor came in and checked on us, she was off call (technically she had been somewhere during the c-section, but we didn’t want the doctor with our group on call doing anything… so she stayed and took care of us), what a great doctor! We love her!! She gave me the run down of what was going to happen, the c-section had gone well, nothing remarkable and we were all right, she wasn’t coming out vaginally, the section was the right choice, and not made too hastily either. She told me the catheter could come out that evening, although she would leave it in through the night so I could get some rest. I would have to get up and get moving around in the evening, at least from the bed to the chair. And by morning I would have to be up and walking around, at least the room. Our least favorite doctor would check in on me later… ugh… well, at least he didn’t deliver the baby! Everything was good!

Good morning all. It is Wednesday morning at 7:30 AM.

Mom got here early Monday morning (9:00), an hour and a half earlier than planned. So that was incredibly exciting!! I picked her up at the airport and our day together started. We had breakfast at Panera Bread first, then to AT&T to look at a few things and then on to Wal-Mart to get some necessary items. From there we headed home and just relaxed a minute. We were both tired and giddy and just enjoying each other. Tancy had gone to pick her Mom up and run some errands… I don’t even know what all they did!! Once they got home we all had some time together. I was really glad for Mom and Ms. Sue to have some time to get to know each other. The other times they have been around each other there has been so much going on that I don’t think they got any time together. We cooked and talked and laughed. It was a wonderful evening. Mandy got here after work, we ate together at the table and then all cleaned the kitchen together. We sat and talked and again, just enjoyed all being together. Mandy and Ms. Sue headed home around 8:30 or 9:00 I guess and the three of us left here headed to bed very shortly there after.

Tuesday morning we started fairly early. I was up at 6:15, I think Mom was either already up or just starting to stir. I made coffee, Mom fed the dogs. We just sat and had coffee together. Tancy was up before long. We all took our time waking up and before long it was time for me to get in the shower and start getting ready for the doctors appointment ahead. Sometime between my getting in the shower and putting on clothes Ms. Sue got here, stopped by on her way home. So we spent some time together before she had to leave and wished like hell she would decide to stay. Once we got her on the road we all got moving, getting ready to leave. We got to the doctors office early and had to wait to go back… they’ve either gotten busier lately or gotten bad about not moving people through or something. Anyway, Mom waited in the waiting room… I was going to have an exam and just didn’t want to coordinate all of that. So we go back finally. I gained 2 pounds since Thursday, I think alot had to be fluid because my hands and feet were terribly swollen almost immediately yesterday morning. Not sure to be honest. Anyway, my blood pressure was 116/72. Got the exam, wow! Not like the rest, I will tell you that. I don’t know what she did differently… but it was certainly different than the exams prior. She said my cervix was softer and I had about a finger tip dilation, but no significant changes. So, induction it was going to be. We went over everything, all the questions we had, what would happen, etc. So I’ll give you the run down about what is going to happen.

We will go to the hospital around 4:00 today to be admitted by 4:30. They’ll get all my paperwork and orders together and us into a room and then I’ll get a medicine called Cervadil placed on my cervix. Cervadil is used to soften the cervix before the use of medicines to dilate the cervix. Softening has to be happen before dilation will. So the cervadil will stay in place for about 12 hours. They will remove it Thursday morning around 5:00. I will be able to go to the bathroom and such, but for the most part I will be in the bed once the medicine is in place, they want it to stay right where they put it.
Thursday morning around 5:00 they will come in and remove the cervadil. They will give me about an hour or so to get a shower or move around a bit if I so chose and then they will start the pitocin. Pitocin is a synthetic version of the chemical that your body naturally produces that causes contractions and thus dilation. I don’t know how long I will receive pitocin. I do know that our doctor said that she will do everything she can to get the baby here quickly, that’s her job. So she will be fairly aggressive. That means she will probably break my water earlier than they might consider it if I were laboring naturally. It also means I will get an epidural earlier to help manage the discomfort of an aggressive process. She will use the pitocin to move labor along quickly by controlling the dose. She said that if I am not progressing as she would like a C-section is possible. I do not know that there is a time frame where she will decide that this is the best course, only that she will if it is necessary. We hope it isn’t necessary.
So that is what’s going to happen.

After the doctors appointment we went to Cracker Barrel and had lunch while I sent out the word to everyone I had a cell phone for that I thought might want to know. We left from there and went to Books-A-Million and picked up some books for the hospital. Then home. We rested for just a bit. Then off to Tancy’s physical therapy. We dropped her off and headed to Wal-Mart for milk, biscuits and yogurt. Then back to pick Tancy up. We were planning on dinner out and a movie… so when we got home I set about looking for show times and locations… my movie isn’t playing anywhere in NC. Bummer! So we decide to go to dinner and then see how things go. We had Red Lobster for dinner. Yummy!! Hit the spot. We laughed and cut up and just had a good time.

At the movie theater we looked at movies coming on and show times. We decided to watch “My Life In Ruins”. I have to say that it was cute, but I wasn’t overly impressed. There were other movies we could have watched, but I needed something light and funny. It was light and even funny in places, but probably not the best movie we could have seen. Oh well. We were the only three in the theater!! So we talked, cut up, threw pop corn, and just behaved… well… like we might have if we hadn’t been the only ones there. LOL. Just kidding. We acted like we owned the place. It was fun all in all and a great distraction for me.

We got home and talked to Aunt Jan on the phone for a bit, she wanted to know what the process was going to be like once I get to the hospital. We had great laughs and conversation. I think we all wish she were able to be here. She’s with us, even if she can’t physically be here. After we talked to her we all went to bed. My belly and back were so sore. I was happy to lay down and get comfy in bed. Aunt Jan joked that Lillie would come on Wednesday on her own since induction was scheduled now. This thought tickled her, I think the idea of an ornery kid makes her happy. Anyway, Tancy watched TV for a bit, but I laid there and did my best to sleep, which came pretty quickly. I woke up twice in the night for potty runs but otherwise slept pretty good.

At 7:15 the dogs were so restless and moving around that it was impossible for me to sleep any more. Once I was up I felt like I couldn’t sit still. So I made coffee, fed the puppies, unloaded the dishwasher and reloaded it after putting away all the dishes. In just a bit I’ll make chocolate chip cookie dough so that we can have home made cookies when Dad gets here (as I promised him). I also want to move some stuff in our hospital bag so that the chargers and such are in with the books and not with our clothes. I want to double check that I have what I need to take for us and for Lillie. Just a last run through of what we have vs. what we need. I also need to strip the bed and put clean sheets on it. Mom will be home taking care of the puppies and fish for us while we are at the hospital. But we have a few things around the house that we want to get done before we actually leave for the hospital. I don’t want Mom feeling like she’s got to clean the house or anything like that.

So that’s all I’ve got for today. Pops will be here Friday. Hopefully we will be on our way home from the hospital around that time too. It’ll just depend on when Ms. Lillie turns loose and comes out and how that happens. I doubt I’ll be posting much before the end of the weekend… I am not taking the computer with me. We will, however, both have our cell phones and I’ll post updates on facebook as I care to (assuming we have a signal in the room). I expect that there wont be much to report until tomorrow afternoon sometime.

Sending all my love out to all of you this morning. Thank you all for the well wishes and love sent yesterday when I sent out the text updating everyone. It is greatly appreciated and felt. I hope you are all having a great week.

And, very important, before I forget…. Happy 1st Birthday Marlie!!!

Love to all!

Good morning all, I hope this finds everyone doing well. It’s Friday, that usually cheers everyone up a bit.

So yesterday was a tough day for me. I already posted my blog trying to find a release and figure some things out for myself. Also, because ya’ll know I can’t tell a lie, when I was asked I told the truth about how I was and received a ton of love and support from family and friends and my facebook peeps. I greatly appreciate that and believe that all that positive energy and love helped to make a difference.

After I blogged I just worked on calming myself, listening to my inner voice and keeping my headache under control. I was in bed around 8:30. It felt good just to lay in bed, get comfortable and do nothing. There wasn’t anything on TV so it was really easy to zone out. I don’t think I was asleep before 11:00 – 11:30 but when I went to sleep it was sound. I think I woke up twice in the nice, 1:15 and 4:00. I couldn’t tell ya why or how, but I know with absolute certainty that when I woke up at 4:00 I felt like a different woman. I didn’t have the anxious feeling, I didn’t feel all twisted and pent up. I didn’t feel any dread or apprehension. I just felt calm. This all made me smile and I climbed back in bed and slept some more.

When Tancy got home I told her that I felt much better. We talked for a bit. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to go back to sleep or not… it just works that way sometimes. I encouraged her to go to sleep, she’s got to be up by 10:00 so that’s not alot of time to rest! I laid there with her and held her hand or put my fingers in her hair. I just enjoyed that she was in bed with me. I slept lightly, but it was the sweetest sleep I’ve had in a while. That’s the only word I know to use, sweet. It wasn’t that deep, sound sleep. It wasn’t hard sleep. It wasn’t fitful sleep. It was sweet… make any sense?

So I’ve been up about 20 minutes and I can tell you, at this moment and hopefully going forward from here, my bubble is on center again. I have regained my perspective. She will be here. She’s healthy and doing well. I am not in any pain or at any risk. She isn’t in any danger either. That is so much to be thankful for! I know that there are people who would give anything to be where I am at right now in a pregnancy. I have no concerns and no reason to be stressed. Now, there’s no accounting for hormones and the ways they can screw with you. But at this point my mind is right where it should be.

Today will be a full day. At 10:00 I need to get Tancy up. We’ll get ready and head out to her physical therapy appointment at 11:00. At 1:00 we will be at the doctors office for some blood work and a general “check up”. Then we need to run a quick errand or two before heading over to Mandy’s for what will essentially be three birthday parties: Ms. Sue (16th), Tylor (15th) and Zack (11th). We will no doubt be over there a while. Maybe I can even get a walk in while we are there. The walking really does feel good to me… it’s just hard to do by myself and for long (my hands just swell so painfully). Not to mention the road there is much flatter than it is here, we’ve got a hell of a hill right at the base of the driveway… takes my breath right off the bat. So, full day? Yup. But it will be a good one when it is all said and done. I am happy to spend some time with family. And I am elated to have Tancy home. I wont say that having her home doesn’t play into my better view of things. She’s always a part of the solution, whatever the problem is.

Saturday will be another busy day. Lauren’s graduation is at 9:00, that’s right, in the freakin’ morning!! I cannot believe that. I mean, honestly, most of those kids are still gonna be buzzin’ from all the partying you do around graduation. You couldn’t wait till 11:00?! If it’s raining there will only be 4 seats, so we will just have to wait and see if we can go or not. But after graduation is the graduation party at Mandy’s. So we will be over there fairly early either way. I imagine we wont leave from there till I am just done in. Lauren will leave around 6:00 to go to the beach (a topic of some controversy I must say), so we wont be leaving before then.

Sunday, to my knowledge, there isn’t anything planned… but that just means we will spend some time with Tancy’s Mom and Zack. Whether we are at Mandy’s or come up with something else. Either way, it is certain to be another day of activity. I can’t imagine a day, from this point forward, sitting home with nothing doing like I have all week. That’s good though… I just can’t do that at this point. I told ya’ll I couldn’t sit still…. see what happened when I did?! LOL.

Mom will be here Monday. I am so looking forward to that. They are in Georgia right now to celebrate Marlie’s 1st birthday (17th). I wish I was there. If I didn’t think it was just a really dumb thing to do, traveling 6.5 hours away from home 39+ weeks pregnant I’d be on my way. I miss them all. I miss Marlie. I would love to be there to celebrate with all of them. But, that would be insanity, so I wont do it. I’ll just have to be thankful, and I am, that Mom will be here on Monday. Dad will be here on Friday (the 19th). So, like I said, I wont have a problem keeping busy and occupied between now and when ever Lillie decides to come. I’ve gotten closer to making my peace with saying how ever she gets here as well. Ultimately all that really matters is that she’s healthy and we both do well during and after labor. If I have to be induced it is because that is what our doctor feels is the best thing for the both of us. We like her because she’s a good doctor… and even if it isn’t my ideal circumstance, I have to trust her decision on that… and I do. So. Working on making my peace fully on that. I am closer than I was.

Well kids. I think that’s all I got. You already knew our schedule for the next few days. But I thought I’d use it to illustrate how much better my perspective is this morning. I love you all for being so supportive and loving. I don’t know what I would do without each and every one of you. I hope you all have a great weekend. I intend to.

Love to all!

If the title doesn’t read like a big red flag I don’t know what to tell ya. LOL. This blog is expressly for the purpose of venting and hopefully, subsequently making me feel better. Read at your own risk.

So today I felt fairly crabby… or prickly would be a better term probably. Our doctors appointment was scheduled for 2:20 and honestly I didn’t see the point in going. When Tancy got up we talked a bit about it and how I felt (I had already talked to Mom, Aunt Jan and Missy about it… they all assured me that it is something all women feel at the end of their pregnancy). I just really couldn’t care less about going to the doctor. The only good thing about going was to hear her heart beat and the fact that Tancy’s Mom was going to go in order to hear her heart beat. I was happy to be able to share that with her. Lauren went as well. But as far as I could see I knew I wasn’t in labor, I was pretty sure I wasn’t dilated, so what could she possibly tell me? Nothing, go home, see you next week?! I just didn’t want to hear those words. I felt near tears and if I could have cried I would have and been happy for the release.

We got there and were called back pretty quickly. I gained 1 pound, my blood pressure was 128/70. While we waited for a room my face, the left side, went numb. Scared the shit out of me… your face should not go to sleep! It eased before we got into the room, thankfully. Then we had to work out timing, I was getting the loved by all pelvic exam and didn’t need or want an audience for that (no one really wants to be a part of that if it isn’t necessary). So Dr. Lugue came in first and did my exam, no dilation, locked down tighter than Fort Knox (my words, not hers). She left so I could get dressed and then everyone came in to hear her heart beat. It was good, right where it should be. Measured my belly, right on track. Felt around for her head, right at my pubic bone. Also good. She said that all the cramping was a good thing, means everything is doing what it is suppose to do. (But nothing is happening!!) So we go back in on Tuesday morning for another exam and to go over all the paper work for induction. It will be scheduled for the 18th should the need remain.

I talked to her about my face going numb just minutes before, she said that was weird but didn’t seem concerned. She checked to see if I was retaining fluid. Said I had some protein in my urine but it wasn’t alarming and my blood pressure was great and so was my weight gain so she wasn’t concerned about it. She told me what to watch for as signs of concern but said she really didn’t think I was even at risk for preeclampsia. She asked how I felt, I told her physically fine, emotionally I was pretty well over it. She said that was normal…. and to deal with it (with a chuckle, which we all shared… because what else can I really do?!). So out we went and scheduled our appointment for Tuesday morning at 10:00.

No sooner than we left my ears did this weird thing where everything sounded loud. My voice didn’t sound like my own to me and like who ever that was was hollering. Then it was like I couldn’t hear anything and my hand (left hand this time, same as the doctors office) went numb again. I went to sit down after we ordered our food. I was feeling pretty well freaked out. Before long the sound returned to a normal level and the numbness subsided. But then my eye sight went blurry… here comes the migraine! Great! Cause I am not already stressed and emotionally twisted enough, give me an intense amount of pain that I can’t take anything for! Tancy called the doctors office to find out what I could take, the Tylenol 3 that had been prescribed to me earlier in pregnancy, just watch not to take with regular Tylenol as that would be “over doing it”. Ok.

Less than half way home the blurry vision cleared up and this was not good, usually as soon as the blur is gone the pain starts. It did, but it was a dull kind of pain instead of the usual sharp, searing pain. I was just hoping it would remain at that level. By the time we got home my stomach was upset. Just another bright, sunshiny spot in my day! I always do enjoy being able to shit through a screen door! I pretty well vegged on the couch after that, text Mom, Casie & Aunt Jan. All very encouraging and trying to ease my mind.

Here’s the thing. Today I did not expect to be dilated. And whether I was or wasn’t doesn’t mean much of anything… you can be 3 cm for days and not be in labor, or you can go from nothing to full blown labor in a matter of hours. Not a big deal, not a big surprise. What I get hung up on is NOT wanting to be induced. I want to go into labor on my own, at home and to be able to ride out as much of it NOT in the hospital as possible. At home, where I can be in my own environment, where I can decide if I want to be in the living room or in the tub or to take a walk. I want to go in to the hospital when the contractions are either too intense to stand for me any longer or too close together to wait any longer. Which ever one comes first. Not because I want to be a hero or something silly like that. I don’t have grand notions of no pain relief or anything like that. I just don’t want to be in the hospital for an extended period of time simply waiting on “go” time. Now, that could happen even if I go into labor on my own, I understand…. But if they induce that is an absolute. I will be in the hospital before I am even sitting on GO. I’ll have to be there from zero clear to 60, so to speak. That’s a long time to be in the hospital. And honestly, I am more concerned about being induced than her coming today or Tuesday. That’s what really gets me twisted up. Sure, I wish I would go into labor tonight! That would be fabulous… it could still be Saturday before she was born… but that wold be ok. I just don’t want to be induced… which, from where I sit, seems like is exactly what I’ll get… if for no other reason because I don’t want it that much!

My head has remained a dull ache, thankfully. I don’t know if I could take a full blown migraine tonight. The Braxton Hicks have also gotten more frequent and more intense. This has been really hard on me. I will tell you why… when they hit, its a tightness high on my belly, just under my chest. It feels very much like a bad panic attack… that tightness in that area specifically. So it creates a level of anxiety in me that I can’t manage. The worse it gets the higher my anxiety level rises. By the time it eases I am really worn out and no matter what I tell myself my brain thinks I’ve had a panic attack. I think this is quite possibly at the top of the list for why I am “over it” at this point. I can take pain. Braxton Hicks aren’t pain, at least not mine. They just make me feel like I can’t breathe. So I’ll be glad to not have those… they are so draining.

I was going to go to Mandy’s and help Ms. Sue get things going for dinner tomorrow night and the graduation party on Saturday… but after the start of the migraine and just my emotional disposition I decided that staying home was the best. I can crawl into bed here in a little while and just space completely out. I can cry if I want, I can be mad if I want and I don’t have to worry about taking it out on anyone. Tancy’s Mom called to tell me what her game plan was, Tancy answered for me because at the time my head hurt to bad to be on the phone… still does to be honest… and Tancy told her about my migraine. She was very kind and said she vividly remembered feeling the way I was feeling when she was pregnant with her first (Mandy), that it was truly miserable and to just try to take it easy and get some rest. I thought that was very sweet of her. I always appreciate when people will tell you their stories, especially when it is something you don’t necessarily care to admit (like being miserable or an emotional wreck). I share my shit all the time, but I don’t really know how not to… Most people are not like that. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t… that I could just put on a happy face and say “I feel great!”. Cause physically that’s pretty close to the truth. But that isn’t the full truth and I don’t stop there! LOL. Which most wish I would I am sure.

Alright, I have had enough of this. I am feeling some better, not nearly as twisted as I was earlier. So I am going to stop while I am somewhat ahead. I am hoping for an early night tonight. At this point I do not plan on taking a Tylenol 3, prefer not to if I can avoid it and I think I can. Wish me luck with the “early” part!

Love to all!

Good morning all. I hope this finds you all doing well on this Thursday. It’s foggy here and humid. I woke up when Tancy came home and was unable to go back to sleep… as much as I wanted to! So at 8:00 I finally got out of bed and made coffee.

Yesterday was an ok day. I felt really terribly nauseous most of the day. I ate, and actually ate quite a bit with Tancy before she left for work. When she left I went over to Mandy’s to visit with them, Tancy’s Mom and Zack came in for Lauren’s graduation. Mandy and I took a walk… I needed some physical activity and just to be out of the house… outside in general. It was a short walk… the rain was coming in and we just got back to the house before the bottom fell out. I had a tomato sandwich with them and we all visited a bit. Around 8:30 or so I left to come home. I got home at about 9:45 and was just hoping to avoid a migraine, I’d had a cluster headache trying to start all evening.

I got out my stationary (I can’t believe I even still have any) and wrote Maw-Maw a letter. I have been sending her my blog posts, but wanted to send her something personal and hand written before Lillie is born. So I did that and by about 10:30 or so was trying to go to sleep. I don’t think I had to try too hard… I woke up at 12:15 to Hemmi barking his damn fool head off at who knows what! Scared the shit out of me and if I’d had my bearings about me at the time I just might have flogged him. He finally settled down and I was so twisted I was shaking! I got up and made a potty run and eventually settled back down and to sleep. I think I was up about every hour, but I slept so hard. Tancy got in at about 6:45 and I heard her in the living room crinkling something. I got up to see why she hadn’t come to bed yet… she was eating chips and dip. She did come to bed, but by then I was awake. I laid in bed a while with her, tried to go back to sleep, but it was all in vein.

I got up, started the coffee and fed the pups. I talked to Mom for a minute. Then I called Maw-Maw. I had called her yesterday, but she was having coffee with the men who were bailing hay in the fields on either side of her house. So I talked to her for a bit and then let her get back to her coffee this morning with Aunt Judy.

Now I am just waiting on time to get a shower and get ready to go to the doctor. I am not all that excited one way or the other to go. I always love hearing her heart beat and I am excited about possibly getting another ultrasound and seeing her again… but ultimately why get excited about being sent home, not ready for baby? I am not physically miserable. I am lucky that way. I know alot of women, at this point in the pregnancy (just days from my due date) are truly miserable and so much so its very difficult for them. I don’t feel this way. I have discomforts, but from a physical perspective, I feel pretty good. My patience has just worn thin and I am done, tired of waiting. Which just means that the wait is inevitable. LOL. I forget what that “law” is called, where what you absolutely don’t want is exactly what you get… but I know that’s whats happening with me. I want the wait to be over so badly that I will most definitely have to wait till the 18th. I can laugh about it at least. So the doctors appointment today isn’t as exciting as appointments previously, for me. I’d love nothing more than to have the exam and her tell me that we are making progress and she’s on her way… in labor and just don’t know it or something ridiculous like that. But I am fairly certain that isn’t going to happen.

So, tonight is Tancy’s last night and I am thrilled! Tomorrow will be a full day. Tancy has physical therapy and then a doctors appointment for some blood work. Then we will go over to Mandy’s to spend some time with the family. So it will be much better than these last days of sitting in a quiet house by myself waiting for Tancy to get up so I can cook before she leaves to go to work and then sitting in a quiet house by myself waiting on sleep to come. I wont have to look for ways to occupy myself and that alone should help the days pass as well as take my mind of off the wait. I am truly my father’s child… I can only wait so long before it starts to be an uncomfortable thing. In some ways I am surprised that it took me 39 weeks to get here. And boy when it did, it jumped on me all at once!

My belly is sore today, like I did a ton of sit ups in my sleep last night. I am fairly certain this is NOT the case! LOL. Its another day waking up and initially thinking that my period is going to start… then shaking the cob webs loose in my head and realizing that I am pregnant and that isn’t going to happen… that feeling is something else. I am really glad, however, to be sleeping so well at this point. Sure, its interrupted all night by my bladder, but it is sound when I am asleep… and the interruptions are only going to be longer waking periods here shortly, so I wont complain about that.

My coping mechanism at this point is setting small mile markers to look forward to. The first was today, the doctors appointment and it’s Zack’s birthday. The next is tomorrow, Tancy is officially off of nights… we have appointments and plans (celebrating Tylor and Zack’s birthday), so the day is full. Saturday is Lauren’s graduation, so that will be another full day. Sunday I am sure will be more family time. Monday my Mom will be here and that is Tylor’s birthday (he really wants Lillie to be born on his birthday… isn’t that sweet?!). Tuesday is my due date, I think we’ll have a doctors appointment then and Ms. Sue’s birthday, she also would love Lillie to be born on her birthday. Wednesday is Marlie’s 1st birthday, I can’t believe it!! And Thursday they will evict Lillie if she is still on (actually in) the premises. So I can count down one day at a time, filling each day as much as possible to occupy myself.

Tonight is my only obstacle… the last night of nights. I need to do some laundry and some dishes… I have contemplated staying home tonight and getting those things done. But Mandy and Ms. Sue have asked me to come over there and spend some time… so I am just not sure what I will do. I will see what my mood is like after the doctors appointment. We will basically make a beeline home and I’ll make dinner for Tancy, she’ll eat and then she’ll have to leave. So there really wont be alot of time to think about much of anything this afternoon.

I don’t have much else…. Just killing time at this point, so you all know how ridiculous my posts can get at that point. With that said, I am going to sign off. I hope you all have a great day and a wonderful weekend. I don’t know how much I will blog after today… I am hoping to really fill my time between now and Lillie’s arrival, whenever that is.

Love to all!

Good morning all. I hope this finds you all doing well. It’s 9:00 here and I have only been up for about 20 minutes.

Night before last I baked a bunch of chocolate chip cookies. You know this already. After that I got a bath and then worked on Lillie’s baby book. I transferred my letter to her on to the paper I had selected at Hobby Lobby and then arranged the book to make room for some things I wanted to add. I also added some additional pages so that I don’t have to take the book apart every time I want to add something to it. I finished that up sometime before midnight. I’m guessing I was asleep by 1:00. I slept well. The usual midnight bathroom runs, but otherwise I slept good.

I got up yesterday morning and went about my normal routine. Dogs out to potty, coffee on to drip, dogs in and fed, cup of coffee poured then parked on the couch and try to wake up. I woke up feeling wide awake… and anxious. I blogged about that already though. I balanced the check book and played around online. I milled around the house and just tried to keep things quiet so Tancy could sleep as long as possible. Nights are tough for both of us for different reasons. Sitting quietly in the house all day doesn’t exactly make for a wonderful day for me. She’s been a little less than thrilled about me being home without her at night… but she knows that I am ok. I think she just really wants to be here to be sure of that for herself, in case I need something.

So yesterday was uneventful. Tancy got up around 1:00 and had coffee. We chatted and caught up on each others nights.I told her that I had the dough for her wafer cookies all mixed up and would make them when she went to work. That made her very happy. She got her bath and got dressed, I started dinner. I had taken out a flank steak and was going to make it like my Paw-Paw Leo used to make it. I also decided that broccoli and cauliflower was going to go with it. We are talking about a 10 minute meal…. and some kind of yummy! So I set about that while on the phone with Mom. We had a good chat and before I knew it, dinner was ready. It was so good. I always love flank steak and it brings back some pretty vivid memories of my Paw-Paw in the “big house” when I was a kid.

I cleaned up the kitchen after we ate and we just settled back down on the couch and soaked up the time we had together till she had to go to work. I really felt a sense of dread at the thought of her leaving. I don’t know why… I did my best to keep that to myself, but I am sure in some ways she knew it. I think she was feeling it too. Before long it was time for her to go and that was that.

I immediately set about baking the wafer cookies. I made 118 individual cookies in all. They only bake for 8 minutes, so it was done in no time flat… the part where I put them in the oven at least. LOL. I sat down for a while once I had cleaned the kitchen up. I chatted on facebook with my Pops and Aunt Jan. That was a blast. Entertained me to no end! Not long after we all got off line I went into the kitchen and made sandwiches out of the individual cookies. Red icing, as close as I could get to scarlet. 59 bite sized wafer cookie sandwiches. I had two of them just to make sure they were good. They were!

After that I decided to get a bath with my new lavender goats milk soap. See if that might help me to calm down a bit and get some rest. At 9:45 I was getting in the tub. I was out by 10:00 and in bed. I just laid there and watched some junk TV and tried to relax. I started to hurt some, differently than I had been hurting but it felt like muscles low in my pelvis stretching more than anything. By 11:30 or so I was making my best attempt at sleep. I must have been tired too because I woke up at 1:30 for a bathroom break. I was up about every 2 – 2.5 hours all night long. But I slept good.

This morning I was up around 8:40. I wanted to just lay there in bed, but the dogs were getting rambunctious, so I got up to prevent them from waking Tancy. We went through our usual paces… just another morning.

I have decided that Lillie isn’t coming until the 18th when they induce. I partially believe this and partially hope that it isn’t so. I don’t want to be induced. I would just rather things happen on their own. But right now I feel sure that she’s found a hand hold of so sort in there and has decided not to come out. LOL. Wondering every day, yesterday specifically, is too much. So, I tell myself that it’ll be the 18th.

Alright kids. I don’t have much else to say today. I need to get some more posts ready to send to Maw-Maw before Lillie does come. I know she enjoys reading my posts… I just have to give them a quick look over first to make sure I haven’t used any vulgarities. LOL. I would not be happy to send something inappropriate to her.

I hope that everyone has a great day today. It’s hump day!!

Love to all!

Ok, here’s a blog like I haven’t written in a while. It is strictly to try to clear my head and calm down a bit. You’ve been warned…

I have no idea why but this morning I feel fairly anxious and what I would describe as twisted. You all know that anxiety has been something that I have dealt with for a long time. But through my pregnancy I haven’t really had alot of it. Maybe in the beginning when hormones were in full swing, but for the most part I have really been incredibly, uncharacteristically, calm. Sure I have cleaned like a crazy lady, organized like my life depended on it and completed every task I could see needed to be done… and then some. But I did all of that very calmly, no real sense of urgency or stress, just something to do. That matter of fact. I was excited to see the results in all the organization. I was happy to smell that clean smell of ammonia. It was such a comfort to see the trash and dirt leave the house. But even in the things I didn’t get done, like baseboards, there was no anxiety (which is how it would have been pre-pregnancy) about not completing a task on the “To Do” list. It just was something I wasn’t going to be able to do and that was fine. There are, believe it or not, things that I wanted Tancy to do that haven’t been done and that doesn’t bother me at all, where previously I would have been twisted as hell about that!
I say all of this to illustrate that I was very calm. Although to others I probably appeared to be losing my mind! LOL.

Even in the last week, I haven’t been able to sit still. This hasn’t been anxiety or anything like that. Just physically I am more comfortable to keep moving. Plus my brain turns all the time, looking for something that I didn’t get done that I would really like to do or thinking about Mom and Dad being here, thinking about when family is coming in, thinking, thinking, thinking… Again though, not in my usual obsessive manner, just turning things over, looking at them, taking a mental inventory and removing unwanted/unneeded items. I enjoy being productive, always have, and so not sitting still continued to give a sense of accomplishment.

The house is clean. As clean as it is going to get. I am done with the scrubbing, satisfied with all that we have accomplished. We have a pretty good amount of food in the freezer, so I don’t feel an overwhelming desire to cook and freeze everything in the house. I have stocked the cabinets with disposable plates and cups for when we have company so no one has a ton of dishes to do. I also put the plastic forks and spoons in the silverware drawer. I have planned ahead as far as I can. I have sterilized everything that needs sterilizing. I have organized absolutely everything that I intend to organize. Everything has a home at this point and that’s where it stays. We have been doing a pretty good job of that. The hospital bag is packed and ready to go. Hell, I am baking cookies just trying to occupy myself.

But today, I feel that old anxiety creeping in. I used to be able to tell you where it was coming from… but today, I have no idea. Mom says it’s because I am running out of things to do… I say I have never had a problem finding something to do. I could probably name off a dozen things right now. But they aren’t important things and I don’t feel the need to keep “doing” those sorts of things. I haven’t made a list in days!! Shocking I know! Nor do I feel compelled to. I just want to figure out where these feelings are coming from and change it. It’s not unbearable or miserable, I just don’t like it.

Is this part of the end of pregnancy too? I don’t feel apprehensive about having a baby to care for soon. I don’t feel like overly impatient about her arrival, she’ll get here when she gets here and not a moment before! I honestly have no idea.

Any input?

Hello all. I hope this finds you all doing well. Most of you are probably currently in bed. It is 9:14 here now.

Last night I was exhausted when I went to bed at 11:30. I thought sure I would go to sleep the second my head hit the pillow. I was wrong. It was sometime between midnight and one in the morning when I fell asleep. Tancy came to bed at 1:15 and I woke up when she did. She watched TV for a bit and I lightly dozed till she turned the TV off. Then I crashed. I was up about every 2 hours to pee. I have been working really hard to get lots of water in each day (it is my understanding that dehydration, even a little, can make you feel like you are in labor… only to get to the hospital, get a bag of fluid and everything come to a screeching halt, I don’t want that), so although I am normally up every few hours I am now up even more. That and my hips hurt, my legs hurt, my back hurts… every part of my body is uncomfortable and parts take turns waking me up to tell me so!

I was up this morning around 8:00 I guess. I would really have loved to sleep later but I was wide awake and the puppies were getting restless. I didn’t do much first thing this morning. What did I do? I had coffee, food for the dogs, facebook and emails. Tancy was up at 11:00 and by that time I had taken care of the laundry and the dishes. I had picked up a few things in the living room and kitchen. She had coffee and I made our bed and picked up our bathroom. Once she’d had her coffee she took out the trash and swept the floors.

Our dog trainer (we used her for puppy classes when we first got Scout) was coming out to assess the dogs for us and give us any pointers for when the baby comes. So I wanted to show her the puppies spaces (sleeping, resting, chews, toys, eating, etc.) and that meant our bed needed to be made and just general picking up around the house. We knocked that out pretty quickly. We make a good team.

Dee, the trainer, got here around 2:00. The puppies did well, of course part of that is her interaction with them. If they jumped, which they only did minimally, she didn’t respond. Only once they settled down did she interact with them. Also she didn’t hesitate to correct their behavior when necessary. We showed her around the house (their environment) and talked to her about the things we were working on. She watched our interactions with them and their interactions with each other. She told us what a great job we had done thus far and gave us some things to look for. She was here for about an hour and a half. It was great and we both felt alot better about the work we have been doing with the dogs. I did give them a kong each while she was here in order to up the anty a bit… sure enough, they both wanted the same one and before long their behavior shifted. I waited so that she could tell me how to handle the situation. She said that she would take the kongs… this is what I normally do actually, so I was happy about that as well. She did not charge us for the house call, said it was our gift from her. That was a very generous gift! She also called me a clean freak which gave me a sick pride!! LOL.

After she left I cooked dinner for us. Pan fried pork chops and macaroni and cheese. We both ate at the table. This always makes me happy. We chatted about the house call while we ate and just enjoyed each others company. I had decided I was going to run some errands after Tancy left for work, so Tancy said she would leave me the car. The truck is just so hard to get in and out of at this point. Before long we both got ready for our evenings and all but sat and waited on time for her to leave.

I headed to the health store. I wanted to get some lavender oil, Dee’s suggestion, to use on the dogs. She said it helps to calm them, just like people. You can put a dab at the base of their skull in the back and it relaxes them. So we figured we would give it a try. I got the oil first and from there headed to Wal-Mart. I had a list of things to look for, I didn’t find everything. I did get the basics and then decided that I would bake cookies. I had contemplated this earlier in the day, but being there I finally made the decision. So I gathered the ingredients I needed (or so I thought) and headed to the check out.

I got home and unloaded what little bit I got. I got my recipe out for Tancy’s favorite cookies and went to get the rest of the ingredients. This is when things took a turn… I had a ton of self rising flour, but no all purpose…. I needed all purpose for both recipes I was going to make. Ugh! Nothing to do but go to the grocery store and get flour! I made that run and back home. I mixed Tancy’s cookie dough first, it has to refrigerate at least 2 hours, preferably over night. I put that in the fridge and then made the chocolate chip cookies. I started those baking and cleaning up the kitchen as I went. Once all the chocolate chip cookies were baked I made the icing for Tancy’s cookies. I put that in the fridge too. I finished cleaning the kitchen and decided I’d have to make Tancy’s cookies tomorrow. My feet hurt, my back hurt… that was enough baking for the night. I put everything back in place and sat down on the couch.

Here I sit. I was going to work on Lillie’s baby book, but right now I am so tired. I think once I get cooled off (the oven heats the kitchen and living room so much) I will get a bath and just get in bed. Maybe I’ll take the baby book stuff in our bedroom with me. Or maybe it’ll just wait till tomorrow. Never can tell what I will get into! I haven’t even had a cookie yet!!

The house is clean, food is cooked, cookies are baked, laundry is done, dishes are cleaned… I am running out of things to do around here. I mean, I am sure I could tear some shit apart, but I don’t really want to do that at this point. I am pretty happy with where things are. And I don’t want to drag something out that I can’t finish before Lillie gets here.

My head just spins sometimes. I try to figure out what to do with myself without over doing it. The trouble is not over doing it usually. I really have had to learn quite a bit of self control over the last couple of months. I haven’t always liked it, but I do realize that its a good thing. In a really short period of time it wont matter to me if the doors have been wiped down or not… so I’d best learn this now and come to terms with it instead of struggling with it once Lillie is here.

Well, I did put a drop of Lavender oil on both of the puppies when I got home… and guess what… they have been chilled out and sleeping since I did so. They were perfectly behaved while I was baking cookies and they are presently sacked out on their bed here in the living room floor. Hmm… this could really work out to be a great thing, though I wont use it often, it is good to see results. Hell, I might dab a bit behind my ears! Haha!

I have been having Braxton Hicks this evening… and something else I can’t quite place. Just pains I guess. Achy, tender, sore belly. Boy my back sure has been tight for the last three days. I don’t know what to do to help it ease… then again I don’t really expect it will till after Lillie is born.

Alright kids, I think I am going to go get a bath and see what I feel like from there. I hope you all have a great night.

Love to all!