Ok, so I listed my “battles”, now I’d like to list my blessings.There are so very many, I’ll try not to ramble… but if I do… So what?! LOL. These are the things that fill my cup to overflowing now that I am a Mom:

• Seeing her beautiful, genuine, heart melting smile in the morning when she wakes up. She looks so happy to see you peek over the crib rail.
• Hearing her talking to her sea creatures on the bumper pad when she’s waking up in the morning or from a nap, before you go get her.
• Watching her splash, and then her surprise and amazement, during her bath.
• How she snuggles my neck when she isn’t feeling 100%.
• Watching her with grandparents, aunts, uncles… seeing how very much they love her and knowing that she already returns that love back to them.
• Watching her try to hold things, transfer things from one hand to another, work so hard to get it to her mouth and then move it back and look at it… just to start the process all over again.
• How she gets mad when she rolls over to her back, then wants to be back on her belly, but can’t quite get there yet.
• Her growl.
• Her first two teeth.
• Her giggle, though she doesn’t do it often and it sometimes sounds more like a cough, I love it!
• Her eyes.
• How she rubs my face when I give her a bottle.
• Watching her and Tancy together… that is everything that love is and nothing love isn’t.
• Imagining what she’s thinking.
• How she looks at her Popa.
• How she laughs at her Nana, either one.
• How she listens intently to her Poppy.
• How she wanted so badly to play with Marlie, you could just see it!
• That she truly is a good baby.
• That she is a champ; shots, teeth, she’s a pretty tough cookie.
• That’s she’s a calm baby.
• How she squeals when she’s excited.
• Watching her expressions… she’s got so many already.
• That she already wants my coffee, my drink, my food… and reaches for it.
• Her feet.
• Her hands.
• Her dimply little butt!
• That she loves lights.
• That she loves music.
• That she loves without limits.
• That she is so incredibly loved by so many people.
• That I can already tell she’s going to be mean and ornery… I can’t wait!
• The way she smells.
• How she fights sleep… even though it wears me out.
• How hard she works to turn over, move, get to what she wants… she’s one determined little girl.
• That she reaches for the phone when we put it on speaker or hold the phone to her ear so she can hear her Popa, Nana, Poppy, Aunts, etc. and grins sooo big when she hears them talk.
• Her innocence.

I absolutely love my daughter, my partner, our family (both nuclear and extended), our friends. I am both perplexed and mesmerized by how different life is since she came along… and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I have my struggles. There are days that are difficult. There are days that are as close to perfect as it can get. For me, the trick is to allow myself my struggles, recognize them, talk about them and then remind myself of all I have to be thankful for… there truly is so very much.

I have no idea if it’s just me… I can only assume that someone, somewhere in the world has experienced similar issues with a new baby.

I want our family and friends to be close to our daughter. More than anything. That is part of the joy of having a child. I want to continue to get out and see friends and do things, even when Tancy’s working (days or nights). But sometimes it is so hard. She’s fussy in the evenings and I don’t always want to fight that fight. I do the best I can to battle the issues that I have, sometimes I win, sometimes I don’t. I always give it my all either way. So I’ve decided to make a list of the things I “battle” now that I am a Mom, hoping that getting it out there will help me deal with it better. Maybe someone out there will read it and relate, maybe there will be words of encouragement. Maybe another soul wont read it, but it will have helped me to identify my own “stuff”. Here we go:

• I can only take her crying, when someone else has her, for so long before it becomes difficult for me not to take her and calm her down.
• I don’t like people in her face.
• I don’t like people putting their hands in her mouth.
• I don’t like when kids get in her face or touch her hands.
• I prefer for people to give her a minute to warm up to them before they take her… the interaction seems to go much smoother that way.
• I don’t like it when people are loud when talking to her while she’s taking a bottle or trying to settle in for a nap or bed… she’s got the attention span of a gnat.
• I don’t like people hovering over me when I have her, because they want her, I will give her to you… just back off a bit.
• I don’t like being pressured to leave her with someone, anyone, when I am not ready. I have done it, I will do it, but not because anyone else decides it should be so (outside of myself and Tancy).
• I am open to suggestions, ideas, tips and hints. But when it feels like I am being told that I am doing it wrong rubs me the wrong way… I know my child.
• I let her cry when she lays down for a nap or bed. She’s got to learn to soothe herself.
• I don’t like it when people continue to do things that startle her because they find it funny.
• I don’t like it when 10 people talk to/for her at once, again, the attention span of a gnat.
• She doesn’t need, or like, to be held all the time.
• I prefer, when family and/or friends are together, that everyone be considerate that everyone wants to see/hold her.
• She gets overstimulated.

I recognize that these are MY issues and that everything I feel isn’t reality, addittionally, I know that these things will not kill either of us and that, largely, I have to be the one to adjust.
So, if you are family/friends reading this… please know this is solely for my benefit. Not because I am hoping people will read and take note. I am simply being honest about the things I struggle with. If I bring them out in the light, be honest about the instead of hiding, denying, or pretending I don’t have struggles, maybe they’ll get easier. That’s my hope.

When I was a kid it never seemed like my Dad (specifically) stopped. I am sure my Mom was equally busy… so I am not sure why it stands out that Dad never stopped. But there was always something to be done, tires rotated, oil changed, grass cut, trash out, house washed down, and on and on. And even until very recently it seemed like he always had a list of things to get done… I don’t know that I ever really understood why.

Thursday Tancy and I were sitting on the couch, taking a minute before heading off to Mandy’s. I had cleaned out the car, swept out the carport and what felt like a million other things. She had been busy doing things as well, though that list escapes me right now. We started talking about all there was to still be done and how we’ve neglected some things and we really need to correct that. Suddenly a light came on, I am my father. There’s always a list of things to be done. Believe it or not, I don’t even list everything that I would really like to do. I’d love to pressure wash the house, carport and driveway. But we don’t have a pressure washer, so it isn’t on the list. I want to repaint the door and the shutters (a different color), but that’s just not going to happen right now, so it’s not on the list. I would like nothing more than to really go through things and get rid of what we haven’t used in a year, but it’s all I can do to get the laundry done some days… so that’s not on the list. The deck needs restained, but moneys tight and its already too cold. I’d like to repaint our bedroom. It would be great to actually put some pictures up on the walls, of Lillie, family and us… I think that might be at the top of my list of things I’d really like to get done but just can’t find the time. I want Lillie to see photos of our family each day since we don’t live near them. That just made me sad… that we don’t have pictures of our family up.

The fact of the matter is, once you get to a certain place in life, there is truly always something that needs to be done. So I am going to start putting certain things on the calendar in hopes of taking better care of some of the things that we have let fall by the way side. There are the things that have to happen on a regular basis just for life to keep running smoothly, dishes, laundry, cooking, etc. Then there are the things that need to happen routinely to keep things up, gutters cleaned, cars washed, oil changed, air filters replaced, etc. I’m still working out a system to manage it all.

I have a deep and profound respect for my parents and all their hard work when we were kids. Things were always maintained and taken care of, as I recall it… Mom and/or Dad might remember differently. We were taught to take care of the things we had no matter what it was or how much it cost, that way it would last. I have always understood the value of things, always wanted to “save” things that were special and preserve things for as long as I could. But I’ve gotten away from washing my car regularly and cleaning the inside. There’s just so much on the list… things get lost sometimes.

Then there’s the struggle of taking care of things and just being able to live life. My arguement is if things are done, taken care of, then I can kick back, relax and enjoy things. But the fact of the matter is, it is never all done. So I have to find a balance between taking care of things and relaxing some. But how does one do that. So far it seems I can’t relax if a certain level of up keep isn’t done. And if I let things go too far, quite the opposite happens, I become uptight and even depressed… most definitely overwhelmed. But with a little one, I want to learn to just take her in and enjoy time with her and not miss out on playing in the leaves because I was obsessed with scrubbing the bathrooms.

I have found its much easier to manage it all with help. Tancy is terrific and it seems we get more done together, which is kind of an obvious statement, but people take for granted how helpful (or not) their partners are in the regular every day things… as well as the extraordinary things. I know that together, not only will we manage to take care of what needs to be done, we will also manage to laugh, have fun and enjoy our time together (thats whether we are working on our “honey do” OR doing something just for fun… that’s the beauty of being us).

I don’t expect this to make sense to anyone… its just a place for me to quiet some of the noise in my head.