September 12, 2009

  • What this is...

    Wow, today has been a bit of a challenge. Lillie was fussy for most of the day. Her tummy was bothering her, and again, we have the idea that she is teething. She had moments of being happy and calm and then bouts of fits on and off all day.

    I decided to give her a bath early today since she was so fussy and then her bottle. I intended to put her down right after her bottle. But she was so calm and content I wanted to just enjoy her for a bit. So she went down at her regular time even though she was done with her bottle at 6:30. Poor baby, I feel so bad, not knowing what to do to help her feel better. I do hope she feels better tomorrow.

    So, now for the explaination to the title of this post. When this blog started it was a way to let everyone know what was going on with us. To post pics and just a good place for those who wanted to to be able to keep up with us. But now, it is something very different. Now it is basically my online diary. I don't know who is reading this now, if anyone, and that is ok. This is a space for me to be honest about what I have going on, to put it out there where I can see it and digest it and then figure out what I need to do with it from there. Nothing more, nothing less.

    There will be times I vent about a circumstance and possibly even a person. I will do so discretely so as not to hurt anyone or air dirty laundry unfairly. I hope that no one will be offended and that anyone reading will keep in mind that these are my thoughts and feelings. This will be a safe place for me to talk about being depressed, feeling lonely, experiencing great joy, future plans, current struggles... basically anything and everything that I might otherwise not talk to people about readily (or easily). My therapy essentially.

    Lately I have been battling feelings of isolation and loneliness. I have realized that although being at home sounds great, close to my family, it isn't the fix all that I can paint it to be. But the last visit home was absolutely wonderful and its hard not to romanticize that living there would be that way. However, I am smart enough to keep working it out until I can see clearly that living at home again would present its own set of unique problems. I left there for many reasons and I am sure that some, if not all of them, still exist there.

    I haven't figured out what to do about my feel isolated and alone. I know it will ease when the outage is over, but I doubt they will away completely. So I need to see what is out there. We have friends here, and they are great, but every one has their own lives and their own struggles. I maybe need to expand my social circle to include those with children and (though this one might be a bit harder to find) those who's partners work shift work. Everyone in our lives are there for a purpose. There is no one person who can provide everything that we need, be that a friend or a partner. So it is important to realize the strengths of relationships and appreciate those, as well as find what we need that isn't satisfied by said relationships. That's where I am at.

    Life has changed so much in the last year. Being pregnant, Tancy's new job, having Lillie, priorities changing, family relationships evolving, finances, time constraints and so on. I try to keep Lillie on some what of a schedule because with Tancy's work schedule that can be a challenge. Lillie and I can't work nights because Tancy does. So I tend to not do things at night so that she can be in bed at bedtime each night. I haven't set a rigid bed time for her, but buddy, if she isn't in bed at 7:00 - 7:30 at the latest, she will let you know! So I don't want to be out late, dragging her around and her not getting her rest. Being basically on my own is hard enough without adding her fussiness because she's up past her bed time. Just leaving the house is alot of work, so sometimes I just don't do it.

    I think that a new baby + shift work = some pretty unique challenges. I am working hard to meet them with good solutions. But boy is it hard sometimes. I can day dream about getting a phone call from a friend saying they are coming to hang out and bringing dinner. Or coming by to hang out and help with Lillie so I can get some house work done. Or coming by to help with house work. LOL. There's just so much to get done in a day... and still give Lillie some attention and interaction. Whew.

    Well kids. I am done pumping. I am going to make a bottle, maybe grab a snack and climb into bed. I am hoping to get to sleep early... I am bone tired tonight.

    Love to all!