Wow, it's been a little bit since I blogged. There's been so much going on lately, I just haven't had the time or the concentration to blog.

I don't know how much focus I can give you tonight... but I am going to try. Right now there are many things running through my mind; love, death, pain, happiness, endings, beginnings... I have had the priveledge, in this life, to witness many beginnings as well as many endings. I have held on to my Paw-Paw when he took his last breath and I have given birth... I have been to weddings and I have been there for loved ones during break-ups. I have witnessed intense pain and immense joy.

In life, we consider being a part of the happy times; births, weddings, etc. a gift. But, more often than not, the unhappy times are so hard that we rarely consider being a part of them a gift. I think that both are gifts, when we are allowed to share those moments with other people. Sure, you hope to be there for the good and dread being there for the bad... that just makes sense. But I'm talking about more than that. It was an honor to be with my Paw-Paw when he died. It was profoundly painful and deeply moving and it is a moment in my life I will never forget... Nor would I trade it for anything. To be given that opportunity to tell him goodbye in a very real way meant more to me than I have the skills to communicate. It was a gift. Recently I have been fortunate enough to be there for people that I love in their moments of hardship. I wish with all my heart that they didn't have to experience these circumstances... it was painful just to watch... but I am so thankful to be there to help in any way I can. To be supportive and show them love.

I think we have all developed such an aversion to anything negative that we fail to see anything positive in it. Whether it is a lesson to learn, a good bye, a new start, or simply the opportunity to be there for someone else... it's a gift. It makes us appreciate the positive that much more, it provides an opportunity to grow and learn.

With every ending comes a beginning. Every negative has a positive. I say this and know that someone, somewhere, right now, reading this vehemently disagreeing with me. The hard times suck. The loss of a loved one... it's a horrible, painful experience... there's no denying that. When a marriage (or long term relationship) ends... it is agonizing and miserable. I could give many examples of life sucking... circumstances that anyone would avoid if at all possible. I am not saying that the shitty parts of life aren't shitty, just that there is something positive even in those circumstances. I have found that the loss of a loved one teaches me lessons about life. I have experienced divorce and it taught me MANY things, not the least of which was that I should have given marriage itself much more thought than I did.

Life is so fleeting, it is gone in the blink of an eye. Be happy, be with who makes you happy, do what makes you happy... because it could all be gone tomorrow (not a rapture reference). You have to live your life for yourself. Don't be selfish, don't be cruel... that's not what I am saying here. Do, in fact, be kind... life is too short to go through it being an asshole... but do the things that bring you happiness. Tell people you love them. Settle disputes. Be protective. Be affectionate. Smile. Dance. Sing. Laugh. Cry. Live your life today as if you aren't promised tomorrow (again, not a rapture reference)... because tomorrow isn't promised. Recognize as much good in life, people and circumstances as you can.

That's all I have. There's been so much going on lately, hurt, heart break... I said before, I am thankful to have been allowed to be a part of that... to be there for those I love... But it certainly puts me in a strange head space. I feel thankful, but my heart is heavy. I wish I could take the pain away, but I know it is a part of their journey. I am learning my own lessons in these circumstances... I love my family, with every fiber of my being. I would do absolutely anything to help them.

Love to all.

Well, I have something I need to get off my chest... so here we go... I will warn you all ahead of time, I'm feeling a little pissed. This blog might be offensive, it might contain vulgar language.I will do my best to keep it under control, but just in case... you've been warned!

I have always had a temper, but it's been fairly balanced with a tender heart. Most people saw the tears, only a select few ever saw the anger. I tend to react to things very quickly and that paired with a temper didn't set well in a new relationship, to be quite honest, it had a very negative impact at times. In the last seven years I have worked very hard to control my temper, mind my words and keep my nose out of what truly wasn't my business. But when it comes to people I love, this becomes a real challenge. On the one hand, I want to cry when I think of someone I love being in pain. On the other hand, I want to find the no good son of a bitch that caused the pain and hand it right back to him or her.

Now, inflicting pain isn't my first thought... truly... my first thought is a good old fashioned "come to Jesus" with the person in question; To educate them, just in case they were unaware, on the fact that they are hurting someone I love; To let them know just how I felt about it, as well as the immediate rectification expected; To prepare them for the wrath that will surely rain down on their head should they not change their wicked ways. This is not because I think I am all powerful, that anyone really gives a shit about what I think or feel, or because I think anyone would be intimidated by me. It simply comes from a place of what is right is right, and wrong is wrong... But, given the opportunity, I would most definitely follow through... without question or concern for much else.

I would protect my family (most of you know by now this is not limited to those I am directly related to... it also includes close friends) at any cost. I would risk them being mad at me to protect them. I realize this isn't a popular thought process, or even very smart... that one would go to such lengths, possibly risking the relationship with said loved one, to protect them. But it is how it works in my brain. I would rather have someone I love out of harms way, and mad at me, than to watch them hurt. I think this comes from my father, as I have watched him stand up for family, even when it pissed them off... I admire this. To love someone so much that you would go that far... I am sure there's someone reading this right now who thinks that's foolish, but I don't.

Maybe it's an old fashioned way of doing things... when right was right, when everyone knew everyone, when people looked out for each other... I think, to some extent, we have left those ways behind. There's so much gray now... I have neighbors that I have lived next door to for 5 years whose names I don't even know. My alarm went off last week for nearly an hour probably, and not one neighbor came over to see what the hell was going on. People just don't get involved anymore. But I digress...

My parents mean the world to me, they taught me most of what I know... I will give myself some credit for life experiences. My sister, I have loved her with all my heart since the day she was born. For these three people, the people who were at my core for most of my life... I will always answer the call, I will be there and do anything asked when they are in need. Even though those bonds aren't as tight as they once were; time and distance prevent me from being as close to them as I want sometimes (other times I feel as close as ever). And when they hurt, I want to take it away.
My partner, my wife, Tancy... our daughter Lillie, I would go to the ends of the earth for them. Do anything to protect them, spend my last breath hunting down anyone who hurt them. When they hurt, I feel it in my soul... right now, I can't sleep because I know Lillie wasn't feeling well before bed. It's just that basic.
My in-law's, they are truly wonderful people. They love me like their own, and I return that love to them. I want to see them well and happy... I wish I could make it so in those times when it isn't. I am very protective of them, in ways that only Tancy will ever know.
I have nieces and nephews that I love more than I can put into words, and I would protect them with the same fierceness as my own child.

I can't list every person I feel protective over... I can't even list all of the really important ones. To even attempt that would only dilute my true feelings. But I can tell you this, my family is larger than I realize sometimes. I am loved by many and I love them in return. And should you cross one of these people, hurt one of them, I will have thought of a dozen ways to hurt you before you ever know I am pissed at you, hell, in some cases, you may not even know who I am. I may never open my mouth, out of respect for the person affected; chances are I will not act on my violent thoughts... but know this... I will smile at the very thought that karma is a bitch and what you put out there, to the universe, will certainly come back to you... I will delight in the many ways your shitty actions might come back around to you. If I should get the opportunity to talk to you, when it is all said and done, I will make you feel very small and worthless.

That's extreme you might think, and maybe you are right... but this is my rant for now, my anger, my frustration. I have watched more than one person I love be hurt recently. By someone selfish, unkind or simply unaware. I am tired of it. I wish that there was something I could do. I would pick up the phone right now if I knew it wouldn't change the course of things forever... if I could trust that it would make everything better. But I am not so self centered and egotistical that I believe that's how it would happen. I am smart enough to know that there would be hurt feelings at the very least. These are good people, with great big hearts, who deserve to be happy, to receive all the love and kindness that they give.

I don't believe in putting negativity out there... I just said what you put out there is what you give back... and my relationships don't permit me to be so involved in others lives that I butt in on their relationships with others. But there are times when I am just so hurt, so mad, that I can't help but day dream about spending a little time in a room alone with the offender. Again, I just want to talk, lol.

I would like to ask to anyone reading, the next time you hurt, manipulate or use someone, think about the fact that they might have a family member just like me... who hasn't learned to stay out of other peoples business... But, if you could stop and think about what might happen when you hurt someone, you probably wouldn't be the kind of person to do those things. So, I guess it would be more appropriate to say, to all the assholes out there...  you'll get yours one day.

Love to all.

I think I have come to the realization, that over all, this is a mommy blog. Try as I might, I can't help it. Hopefully, I will feel passionate enough about things from time to time that I divert from the usual ramblings of a stay at home mom. But I feel like the harder I fight this, the harder it will be for me to write at all. So, if I just give in to that, maybe that will free me up to naturally come up with other things... and at the very least, to not avoid writing when motherhood is all that is on my mind.

It's funny how sometimes the things we fight are exactly what we end up needing. Take emotions for example, when I am in a foul mood, the harder I fight it the worse it becomes. Not only am I equally foul during the battle, but eventually I realize that if I would just give in, it would go away much faster... and then there's the original foul to follow. How does that make any sense? I have no idea. You would think that I would learn by now, just let it wash over me and give in to the under tow, work with it, not against it. But time and time again, I try to fight it, only to exhaust myself to the point of having no real choice but to give in. When I think of all that wasted time, it saddens me.

More than anything, I fight my feelings. This may be hard to believe if you know me, I have been told that I express myself much more than most. But I am at war with myself... I have to communicate verbally to work it out (sometimes writing works, not always). And from the start of said communication to the end, I will have gone from one place to something completely different... and many places in between. I will contradict and confuse myself many times before I figure it all out, and all because I fight with myself over what I am really feeling. I try to talk myself out of it, to convince myself that I really feel something different.

If I had the patience, and a different method of processing, I could work out my feelings in my own mind before I involved someone else in the craziness that is my process. And while I try to do this, I return to the fight... I am fighting who I really am by doing this. I believe that I am capable of learning different ways of doing things, I have proven that to myself time and time again. But there are some fundamental characteristics that I am not sure I can change. I have learned to keep my mouth shut when I am pissed off... through lots of hard work, I now understand that I don't have to give someone the uncut truth. I am also able to pick and choose battles, not expressing every thought (especially when I am displeased) that crosses my mind. But, try as I might, I don't think I can change my means of processing big feelings.

I am a constant work in progress. Some days I make more progress than others, lol. But I'm always making an effort to be a better version of myself. I hope to be kind, caring, compassionate and understanding. I have a focused view of situations and people, but I work on seeing the big picture. I have not ever been overly patient or optimistic, but I keep at it and believe that one day I will be closer to it than I am today. I have been known to be quite confrontational, and that too is something I hope to let fall by the way side. Sure, sometimes that's a good thing... but if you can't control it, it just becomes a constant fight over things that don't really matter, with people who do. I have learned that the way to change is not to fight who or what you are, it is to accept it. The harder you fight it, the bigger it becomes, the more power it is given and the more difficult it is to change. Acceptance is the key. Once you can accept a situation, a feeling, a person; it becomes easier to see what you need to do to make the changes for the better.

Hmm. That's all I have for now on that one. I hope it made sense. LOL.

Love to all.

Hmm... What do I want to talk about today?!

I truly have no idea. I've started two topics now and erased both. LOL. I think I am a bit afraid to tackle some topics that I feel passionate enough about to discuss... I don't have my footing just yet with regard to opening up a fresh blog and typing away.

I wonder what makes the difference in people who have confidence and those who don't? My confidence has suffered greatly over the years. So much so that I find it painful to accept a compliment... It is difficult, at best, to not counter a compliment with a negative. And to actually acknowledge a compliment with a thank you is harder than I would like to admit. This isn't specific to a type of compliment... it can be about my appearance, cooking, house cleaning, attitude, absolutely anything.

I have contemplated this on many occasions. My parents were loving and congratulatory. They praised me for a job well done and let me know when they were proud of me. I made good grades, I had friends, I had boyfriends... so where does this terrible condition from?

Granted, my first marriage was a real doozey... but I lacked confidence before that (or I probably wouldn't have gotten myself into the situation to begin with). Was it a weight issue? I have never been a skinny girl. But I knew many other girls who were chubby, chunky, curvy, plump, round, healthy, big boned, etc. and they seemed to have far more self confidence than I dared imagine.

I will remember one negative statement for years... But moments after a positive statement I question it, repeat it back, doing my best to commit it to memory, ask for someone else's perspective of the exchange to make sure I didn't misinterpret... and within a few hours, it's gone from me forever. It's terrible really. If it is someone that I am close to paying the compliment, I convince myself that they are saying it to be nice, or because they have to. What is wrong with me?

I have searched my memory banks, gone through the cataloged events in my mind and I can't think of one thing that might have caused this. I can't even think of a series of things that led me to this place. Nor have I successfully found a solution to my problem. When someone does compliment anything I have done, at this point, I want to pick their brain, find out what they really think about it... what was the best and the worst about whatever it is they are complimenting. I think it is a sickness really. LOL.

I do know that I dislike complimenting someone else and hearing "oh, it was nothing", or "I didn't do anything", or whatever the come back might be. So, I have vowed to work on this about myself. If I can't say something nice, I wont say anything at all... but I will do my best to manage a "thank you" or a "you're welcome", which ever is appropriate.

While I may never know why I have this issue, and I am not sure it is even relevant, I do hope to over come this obstacle. I would love to have the confidence in myself that I might know when something I have done is wonderful, without any outside confirmation. I don't like needing that reassurance from others. I want to cook a meal, take a picture, write a blog (I can think of a hundred things here) and know that it was good, to feel confident about it and not question myself. Additionally, I would like to feel good about myself in general. I don't want to cringe when I see a picture of myself, I don't want to be so down on myself. I want to walk with my head up and my shoulders back, feeling well within myself.

So, where are all my confident people out there? Tell me how to do you keep your self confidence level healthy?
All of you who lack confidence, how do you over come that? Do you over come that?

In an exercise to remind myself that I have good qualities, without any outside influence, I am going to list things about myself that are good... to prove to myself that I can identify them. Ok, here we go, here are the things I think are positive, about me:
I am a great Mom.
I am a good partner/wife.
I am faithful.
I am honest.
I am loving.
I am caring.
I am a good friend.
I am considerate.
I am a good cook.
I am intelligent.

Ok, that was harder than I thought... 10 things... that shouldn't be so tough. LOL. And I am going to wrap this up before I find a way to list the things I don't like/am not good at as well. LOL.

Feel free to share, even if it is only to list 10 things you think you are good at.

Love to all.

Alright, we've sufficiently quieted the house... Poor Lil, she's getting molars in and they are torturous. She's been cross all morning. We all had lunch and put her down for a nap. I started the crawfish pie filling and Tancy swept the floors. Now the house is clean, quiet and smelling yummy. LOL. I thought I would try to take this time to blog again... See how it works out.

We've been keeping up with Grey's Anatomy lately. Especially given that there is a lesbian couple who have had a baby and just got married. It's the only thing on TV right now that even closely resembles our life. Though... mind you... it only barely, closely resembles our life. We have no "baby daddy", we have opted not to have the big gay wedding (at least not until it is actually legal), our families are completely supportive... and last but not least we aren't fabulously coiffed, make-upped and fashion savvy doctors. That last part is hard to believe, I know. LOL.

Tancy and I have had many debates about the show recently. Her irritation with Mark Sloan (the baby daddy), my irritation with the dual wedding crap they did on the show, her seeing that as a great example of how easy it is for one and how hard it is for the other, my frustration with Arizona, I feel like she is wishy washy... I could go on and on about our dialogue surrounding the show. But that isn't really where I am headed.

Tancy feels like the show is a farce with respect to its representation of a lesbian couple. She feels like they are basically saying that two lesbians need a man to make it work. I disagree with that view, I think it is one way that lesbians conceive a child... with the help of a close male friend (gay or straight). At the end of the day we agree on one thing, most people don't give any thought to how different life is as a homosexual, with or without children (though children definitely change the equation). Television shows do a piss poor job showing the general public a real life picture of homosexuality. Granted there are many facets... but it seems most shows that have gay characters focus on the typical... sex. And while that's great, it's nice to have a romantic relationship that I can relate to, it does little to take peoples minds off what goes on in the bedroom and help them understand that we are just people too. That that part of our lives isn't anymore your business than what goes on in your bedroom is mine. And, to be honest, your's is probably kinkier! LOL.
It seems like anyone concerned with the LGBT community only focuses on "sexual deviance" as it is, lets just fuel the fire! I just think there should be more done to show that we are like everyone else, except we aren't really allowed to live like everyone else. Show John Q. Public what he doesn't know about being gay. Sure, people know that we aren't allowed to get married, that we can't both adopt a child, that until recently we couldn't be openly gay and serve in the military.
But I am not sure that people think about these facts:
We have children together... and one of us has no legal rights. Can you imagine having to worry about your child being taken away from you if your partner (wife/husband/blah, blah, blah) died?
We pay taxes, like everyone else, but do not get the same tax breaks because we aren't allowed to claim our family as such when we file our taxes. That means that Tancy can claim me, as long as I don't make any money, and Lillie as a dependents... But not me as a spouse or Lillie as a child (which, monetarily, are very different deductions).
That not all employers provide domestic partner benefits, so not everyone with a family can provide health insurance for their family.
We have to file legal documents, regularly I might add, to ensure that we can take care of matters for each other that would be given rights if we were "allowed" to marry.
If something should happen to Tancy, Lillie would not be entitled to her SS benefits or anything to do with her retirement from the service (she served in not one, but two branches).
If something should happen to me, Tancy has to trust that a judge wouldn't take Lillie for the only other parent she's ever known... because even my will is only a suggestion... and the court could rule to take Lillie from her, just because.
That it is even in question what we should be "allowed" to do! Seriously?!

Think about this for one second, lets take sexual orientation out of the equation for just a minute. You, reading this right now. You are just a regular person... skin color, religion, sexual orientation is irrelevant... so lets say you are a white, christian male (That's the only group I can think of that isn't told what they can and can't do) and while we are at it, you are upper middle class, if not upper class on the socio-economic scale. You are walking through life without a care in the world. Then, one day, an entire country of people and their government decide that you should no longer have the same inalienable rights that you have always had... that everyone else has... Now they get to decide, by vote, if you should be persecuted... if simply being you was to be considered a crime (yes, a crime), if you should be allowed to live where everyone else lives, to marry, to have children of your own, if you should continue to pay taxes like everyone else, but only be given half the benefits in return. Can you tell me, if you are able to put yourself in this place... Wouldn't you be mad as hell that anyone could make these decisions for you?

There have been witch hunts for as long as people have existed. One group going after another, over differences between them that they didn't understand and didn't want to... deciding simply to flush out anyone who didn't fit the mold and either attempt to eradicate them entirely or to dictate how they were allowed to live their life... as if one life is worth more than another because of skin color, religious beliefs, sexual orientation... and many other, equally ridiculous reasons. How did one group become so superior as to tell another that they were to be less than? And why is it ok to be told that... why do we simply accept it?

If we ALL did a better job banning together... If women (regardless of orientation) would band together, gender inequality would no longer exist... we do outnumber men. Think about all the combinations of people who could pull together to support each other! There would be no such thing as inequality any more. If the entire homosexual community would band together, we would finally have the same rights as others... and we wouldn't have to be afraid of bully's (school yard or otherwise). If we locked arms, whatever the oppressed group of people, we could accomplish anything we wanted. But we are too busy looking at our differences, trying to make sure we aren't at the bottom of the ladder, that we don't ban together. Within the LGBT community, people judge others (see, we aren't any different than anyone else). Some lesbians don't like gay men, some gay men don't like lesbians, people in either category take issue with bi-sexuals as well as transgendered people... and the dislikes are endless. We aren't even the gay community anymore... it has to be LGBT or GLBT, depending on who you are talking to... already there's division just with how a community is addressed, really?!
Here's what I can tell you... If every queer decided to stop paying taxes, if every homo in the service stood up, if every one of us stopped partonizing establishments that aren't "family" friendly, if we all found a way to ban together as one, we would have to be heard.... think about what we pay in taxes, think about how many of us are in the military, think about how much money we spend, think about how many of us there are!!! We could make a difference! We could change things.
But as long as we let fear dictate our lives, as long as we hide in closets, as long as we swallow the bullshit we are being given... This is where we are. We are stuck. And we have no one to blame but ourselves...

So... next time you want to point the finger at someone you feel is holding you down... take a good, long look at yourself... What are you doing to lift yourself up, and those in the same situation as you? Are you part of the solution? Because if you aren't, you are part of the problem!

Love to all.

Today is certainly a new day. I am still feeling a little stressed about things, but overall, I am much better.

Yesterday was fraught with stress over money. We had to order sperm ($800) and medicines ($300)... plus put the money aside for appointments ($60 each) and the IUI itself, ($275). Then I thought I lost one of my meds ($100 bottle of medicine) and nearly lost my mind. I called Tancy in, frantic, to help me find it. She saved me from myself, all but went right to it (when I had looked there three times already). Then I fell apart... we didn't have another $100 to throw at medicine AND I needed to start taking it yesterday... I gave myself a minute, talked to Tancy about how much money we spent and what that meant for the next two weeks (till next pay day) for us. I feel responsible for our finances, when they are good or bad... since I manage the bills and take care of the household. So, when things aren't as good as I would like, or we have to spend a chunk of change, I take that on. Thankfully, Tancy is the wonderful person she is and she eases my concerns and assures me that we will get through it.

Today, I am thankful. I am thankful for the love and support of family and friends. I am thankful for having said $1500 to give it one more shot. I am thankful for the wonderful, loving, supportive partner I have. I am thankful for the beautiful daughter who reminds me every day of all I have to be thankful for. I am thankful for the opportunity to try once more.

Tancy and I talked, this try may or may not be the end for us... we have decided that IF we don't get pregnant this time, we will take some time off, get some distance from the emotional aspect, and make a decision. This decision will be final. We cannot try indefinitely, we both agree. But I don't think that either of us are ready to say that this is the end. For me, just knowing its open for discussion takes some of the pressure off. I think relieving that pressure alone is a good thing. I also think, if we aren't pregnant this next try, the break will be good, give us time to get perspective and to put some money aside. I am hopeful that this try will be the one. I am every month.

Right now, Yo Gabba Gabba is on, it's loud and I'm having trouble concentrating. Sigh. Guess trying to write, in the living room with everyone else isn't such a great idea. LOL. It's at least something I have to train myself to block out! I will probably have to help Tancy to consider me unavailable while I write as well. LOL. It is going to be a learning experience for all of us. But I think it is good for me to do something for myself. And it will be good, for everyone, if I am not always available.

Now, on to something different. You all know, by now, that I am trying to blog more... a catharsis of sorts for me. However, it's also an effort to get my creative juices flowing again and keep my brain from turning to mush. I am going to do my best to change the topic from baby making and meds and money on to different things. I have said before, it will be strictly my opinion and I will most likely contradict myself. LOL. I used to write alot, passionately, about many things... most people have not been exposed to my writing as it was typically kept away in a note book. But over the last few years I have been encouraged to write more by people close to me. So I'm gonna give it a try and see what happens.
Any ideas on topics? I have a few, but I am a little leery of a few of them. I don't want to jump into controversial topics right off the bat. I have no clue who is reading this presently, not that I want to tailor my writing to anyone mind you. I guess I'm surprised to not have gotten any feedback so far. Maybe that is my fault from my first blog back... I didn't mean to squelch any dialogue, simply to express that I wasn't open to negativity (criticism of my feelings). I am good with a healthy debate and even to disagree. I hope to be respectful in what I write and I hope that any comments will be respectful as well.

I think that's all for me today kids. I'm having some focus issues. LOL. So I'm going to spend the day enjoying my family. I hope you all have a great day today. Love to all.

As hard as I might try, today has been emotionally charged to say that least. It's also been incredibly difficult because I can't seem to get close to Tancy, to let her in. She's always the person I turn to... and for some reason, I can't. I feel prickly and angry and I just can't get close to anyone. The sound of my own voice is grating, so I'm having trouble even speaking... about anything.

How can this be? I am a communicator. I talk about everything. It's how I process. Furthermore, I talk to Tancy about everything. Even the stuff I think no one should say out loud. How did I get here and how the hell do I get out?!

We ran an errand and I cried half the way there and all the way back... I settled down a while after getting home and then broke down in tears once again. I just feel like a complete wreck. I want to be strong, I want to be brave, I want to have perspective and peace about the situation. Right now, I lack all of those things. I am pissed, disappointed, hurt & confused. I want to ignore these feelings. I really wish I could be ok with this, to truly believe it will all work itself out and my dream will come true, and see this as another opportunity to try again. Instead, today, I see it as a failure. I am not ok with it. I am ashamed to admit that I question if my dream will come true... And yet, I know, if I can't get there... to that place... the place of acceptance and peace... that I jeopardize any chance I have left to get pregnant. Negativity and cynicism will only hinder this process. And tear me apart in the interim.

Sooo... What do I do? I think the answer, at least for now, is cry. Let it be. Feel whatever there is to feel. Then, when I am completely exhausted from all the big emotions, take a long hot soak in my big ol' tub, then crawl into bed and pass out. There may be an alcoholic beverage in the mix there somewhere... who knows?! But it is evident that the harder I try NOT to feel, the bigger my feelings become. In an effort not to allow it to take control of my day, I have effectively lost control of myself. Ugh! Why do I always have to contradict myself? Do you know how frustrating that is?! To intend to do one thing and accomplish just the opposite... constantly... it's insanity!

I think that concludes this blog. I am just going to talk in circles if I keep this up... I hope you all have a good night. Love to all.

Well, I have lots of things on my mind today, no one clear topic... so I'm just gonna type and see what comes out.

Looks like the start of my period is imminent. Yay. Well, at least we have one more month. I must say, I am much better with answers than I am with limbo.

I had acupuncture today... After he places the needles, I have 45 minutes to lay there and "relax" while they do their work.... I usually work on a meditation, try to focus my energy. Say a prayer, try to clear my head. Allow the process to work, not just lay there and make my grocery list. I practice focusing my mind, tuning out any "hot" places where a needle might be. I think we've devolved in such a way that any discomfort must be removed or numbed immediately that we no longer access the part of our brains that will do that for us. So I work on strengthening that in myself. But that's a topic for another time I suppose.
Anyway, today I focused my energy differently.... normally I think of it bouncing around in my body, like a closed circuit. I think of it increasing or decreasing, depending on what is going on and how I feel. But today, today I imagined all the walls coming down, all the blockages being busted apart, I opened the gates. Now, I know there are some of you reading this right now, rolling your eyes, and that's cool... we are all different. But, when you have trouble dealing with something and your usual method no longer works, you have to figure out what does... and sometimes that means stepping way outside yourself. So, try to keep an open mind... or at least be entertained. LOL.
Back to what I was saying, I tried to picture being open, nothing restricting, nothing closed; mind, heart, body & soul. I thought about how tightly I hold things when I'm anxious, when I am scared, when I am hoping (to be pregnant). I guard my heart, I put up walls in my own mind, I even guard my uterus... Stick with me here... I am so afraid that I am going to do something wrong, something that will keep me from getting pregnant or something that will damage a potential pregnancy that I effectively cut parts of me off as a protective effort... But in acupuncture, the goal is to get energy flowing, to help your body work the way it should... so if I'm blocking energy by being so protective, how effective can the acupuncture really be? Change your mind, the rest will follow, right? I felt so much lighter when it was all said and done... and although I am not full flow, I am now doing more than spotting... Immediately after the session mind you. Maybe I was holding on so tightly that I was preventing my body from doing what it needed to do. I believe its possible, it was waiting on me to let go.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am not so enlightened... I am sad that I am not pregnant, I am disappointed that we have ended another cycle, unfruitful. I am scared that my dream of having another baby, of being a mom again, of feeling the joys of a growing child inside me will slip away unfulfilled. I am in a foul mood. I want to cry, but I can't. I want to be mad, but at what? It is what it is and what is meant to be will be. I believe these things, though presently they bring me no comfort. I feel silent and small. And I realize that my emotions are big and while quiet, affect anyone within a 50 yard radius. I couldn't wait to get home and get on the computer to try to purge, to prevent from being such a negative force today.

I already want to start the conversation with Tancy about extending our deadline... But I don't want to be so desperate. I want to tell her that I just can't give up yet... but I don't want to be so defeated already. I know that you can push for something so hard that you can make it happen, even when it shouldn't have. I don't want to do that. But I just don't feel ready to throw in the towel. I know there are lengths that I am not prepared to go to, certain treatments, certain costs, etc. But I am struggling with the deadline presently. I keep trying to tell myself that we will cross that bridge when we get to it, but I never expected to be so close to it.

The universe is odd, when you think of it... pick something that causes you discomfort, pain, displeasure, anxiety, etc. and it will be absolutely everywhere. LOL. So, today, when I stop at walmart for pads and mother's day cards, what do I see? More pregnant women than you can shake a stick at! They are every where... and where they aren't, women with new born babe's. Ugh! I want to scream out. But again, at what? I cannot, I refuse to allow myself, to be a jealous person. I wouldn't trade my circumstances for anyone else's. I have a great life, a truly wonderful partner, a daughter who is everything I ever hoped she would be... What reason do I have to be jealous? I don't know what their life is like outside of a snap shot. But it's funny how some things appear to be more prominent when you really don't want to see them.

Right now, I'd like to get trashed... just lose myself for a while. Blow off some steam and really decompress. But that's highly unlikely. I will continue to be a responsible adult, I will consider Tancy and Lillie, I wont take time from them. I wont look for ways to numb myself to all that I feel and silence all my thoughts. I will figure out the best way to feel what I feel while doing the best I can not to impact either of them negatively.
There was a time when I would have turned to food... that would have been my drug of choice, so to speak. But that brings me no comfort, and to be honest, I am glad. Old habits die hard and I still look to food for comfort occasionally, but it just isn't there any more. I'm not sure what caused the shift, I am certain I didn't do it, LOL, but I am glad for it. Now, if only I were thinner for it! Haha!

It's clear that I have no real train of thought here, I am bouncing around and, to be honest, I lack much focus. I may return later... I am not sure... hopefully for now I have downloaded enough to make a difference.

Lillie is down for a nap, and much the same as yesterday, is laying in there talking to herself. LOL. Gotta love her!

Thanks for taking the time to read. Love to all.

Wow, I don't even remember the last time I posted a blog... and I didn't go look either. Surprising, I know.

Recently I have been contemplating picking the blog back up, and today I decided "what the hell, I've got alot to get off my chest". These posts will most likely be different than what I've done in the past... consider yourself warned. LOL. I am only writing about my feelings, at the time. They change, they may even contradict themselves within the blog. It's possible I will offend people. This is not my intent. I simply want a place to rid my mind of the million and one thoughts racing around in there.

So, we've been trying to get pregnant again. Our consult was in April (of 2010), we elected to skip May and then had to skip June due to travel plans for Lillie's first birthday. We decided to do our best not to let this process dictate our plans. We were finally able to try in June and on the way to Ohio, in August, we got a call that I had a positive pregnancy test... but the numbers weren't good and it was possible I was miscarrying. I had to wait a few days, the longest days ever, and repeat blood work while in Ohio. The blood work came back much lower, ie, miscarriage (also known as a chemical pregnancy this early on). I was hurt beyond words. I did my best to find the balance between accepting my loss, my pain, and recognizing that it could have been much worse. It's a delicate balance, let me just tell you. We had to skip our chance in August and tried again in September and October... no luck. We decided to take the holiday's off, just too much going on between travel to family and family traveling to us... and once again we wanted very much not to take away from Lillie. We picked back up in January, had too many eggs (7, I think) and had to skip the cycle due to risk of multiples. February rolled around, cysts, large, multiple cysts, so we had to skip February too. Next was March, I was hopeful, traveled to Louisiana after the IUI and was thankful for the distraction during the two week wait. However, starting my period the morning I was to travel back to North Carolina was a blow I wasn't prepared for. I felt like I managed the day well, but got home and fell apart... the emotions from leaving my family, the exhausting drive with a toddler, the hormonal roller coaster and the disappointment were just too much for me. My first full day home I was exhausted. My second day home I cried most of the day. Then I was fine... Thankfully.

That brings us to the present. We had another IUI near the end of April. Well, I guess I should back up and tell you that we agreed that we would only try three more times after our holiday break. It's soo expensive... you know that it will nearly break the bank, you do your best to prepare for that... you know that it will consume alot of time; between the trips there, the appointment itself, the trip back and the time waiting by the phone, again, you do all you can to prepare for that... but there is absolutely no way to prepare for the physical and emotional cost you will pay... no way to prepare for the effects it will have on your relationship with your partner, or fathom the other relationships it will affect... you can't know how the meds will wreck your body, your mind, your sanity at times even... and you will come to the painful realization that while you aren't alone, no one else will have felt the same way you do... and that those who haven't been through the process have little understanding of the fully medical/clinical process that is trying to concieve as a lesbian couple (though many heterosexual couples experience the same process). Now, I am not saying that no one else has felt my pain... quite the contrary... simply that no two people, even those who experience the exact same circumstances, will react the same, process the same, behave the same with respect to their feelings.

Ok, so March was try 1 of 3. April is try 2 of 3... and the pressure is on. I am more anxious than I would like to be. And I'm on the verge questioning our setting a limit on tries. It is good that we did, we don't have the luxury of trying indefinitely... we have to purchase everything but the eggs and uterus, and even those cost money to "prep" for a cycle. I have been feeling good this cycle. Not really even thinking about the twinges and goings on in my own body like I normally do. I've been relatively unaware of the two week wait. Until last night. When I went to the bathroom I noticed a twinge of pink. I get in the shower and my mind is racing... I get out, check again, still a bit... but just barely mind you. I get in bed and tell Tancy. I see this as a sign of impending menstruation. I am upset. We have one try left. I have been working so hard to learn my lessons, to not obsess, to just let things happen. I have cut back on caffeine, I eat better, I have started acupuncture. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't take anything other than approved prescribed medicines and tylenol. I'm working harder to take care of myself, to get more sleep. So, what have I done wrong? Why hasn't it happened for us? It didn't take this long with Lillie, or this much medicine. I know that these questions have no answers... because it doesn't have anything to do with that... it will happen, if it is meant to, when it is meant to.
I cry and I withdraw because I don't want one little hint of blood to make me so neurotic. I don't know how to explain all the things I feel and Tancy is doing everything she can to comfort me. I now have to pee every 10 minutes to reasses the situation. I can't quiet my own thoughts and I am unable to communicate them. Tancy needs to sleep and I can't even think about being in the dark, quiet of our bedroom just yet. So I check out a dvr and play on my phone until I am ready to try to sleep. It takes me a while, but I do finally sleep, thankfully, with one exception....

I dreamt that I took a pregnancy test and it was positive, but the dream didn't end there... I went in to REACH (which is how it would go in reality) and took the blood test and a positive pregnancy was confirmed. My dream went on, telling people, being so happy, celebrating. It felt so real. So, when I woke this morning and realized I had been dreaming, it was a bit dizzying. Then I had to check. A bit of darker blood, but again, such a small amount... I have a pep talk with myself about where I am at and where I need to be. I refuse to take a day away from Lillie... she has been sick and I want to focus on playing with her, taking care of her and giving her love. I refrain from "checking" unless I actually have to use the bathroom. For the most part, there's nothing. Now I have to fight the urge to convince myself that maybe it was implantation bleeding, to not do the research on time lines and symptoms. Then it hits me, this is what happened in the July/August cycle. I do my best to push this from my mind immediately. I am successful, but I start to pay attention to other things going on in my body; how my boobs feel, how my belly feels and then the kicker, diarrhea... which usually happens just before (a matter of hours) my period starts. Yay me. I'm a lunatic, a real nut job. I can't get out of my own head. I really hate that I even know this!
Thankfully Lillie seems to want to play on her own today, because try as I might, I just can't stop my thoughts. Granted, I am still playing with her, providing meals, interacting with her and talking to her. I'm also cleaning house, doing laundry and all the normal household stuff. But my head is a wreck.
I'm thinking about the fact that we only have one more try that we have agreed to... I am, again, questioning that decision. I am not ready to give up. Then I remind myself that my period has not, in fact, started and that I could still be pregnant. I think about the money we need for the next months cycle and begin to stress about the financial aspect of it. I continue to match every thought about not being pregnant with a reminder that my period hasn't started yet. I don't like being so negative. I've worked very hard over the years to slough off my negative ways and be more positive... I do not always succeed. I'm irritated that Tancy has a long weekend, and if I start my period I'm going to have to work really hard to not let that ruin our time together with Lillie. I have a hundred seperate thoughts racing around, all the same theme, pregnant or not. I want to talk about it, but what would I say and to whom? I'm feeling a little crazy... a bit heady... I need a distraction, but maybe that's the problem. I am so busy trying to stop myself that I make it worse. But I cannot allow myself to be consumed by this. I know! I'll blog!

As of right now, no period. I put Lillie to bed at 12:30 for her nap. It is now 1:37 and I just had to go in and change her diaper. She's been talking non-stop since I laid her down. LOL. She's definitely my kid! I've managed to balance the check book, clean the house, do laundry & dishes, make beds, brush teeth (mine and Lil's, its harder to get done some days than you might think), I've made two meals for her, only one of which she actually ate - lunch - macaroni and cheese. She needs to take a nap, we've been pumping her full of meds for days now, this Fifth's (Slap Face) disease is a real bitch. The rash is so terrible looking that it breaks your heart. If she gets warm, stressed or is in the sun, it irritates the rash... so the air is set to 70, we are staying inside and keeping her on a benadryl & tylenol schedule to help. Fun stuff.

Now, if you had any doubt in your mind, you know that I am completely insane. The song "The Story" by Brandi Carlile, that's my song... my song for me & Tancy. Especially the part about my head being a mess. LOL, I laugh because if I didn't, I'd probably cry. I will tell you that I am amazed every day by Tancy, her capacity to love, her ability to remain calm and impartial, her willingness to accept... she is surely the reason I am able to laugh. She is the one who absolutely gets me, who knows my deepest, darkest thoughts... the things that others would have a hard time hearing. I can be myself fully and wholly with her. She knows that sometimes, when I am sharing, I smile because it hurts too much to do anything else. That I try to be positive even when I am feeling quite hopeless. She's the one who will read this and know that I'm already crying.... and that I'm listening to "The Story" as I type this... and as crazy as it sounds, she will smile as she reads this.

I have so much to be thankful for. I don't forget this for one second... I found my person, the one who gets me even when what I feel is completely f*&$#@ up, and still loves me through it all. I have a beautiful daughter and I am fortunate enough to stay at home and take care of her, our home and Tancy. I have a great family (in-laws, out-laws, blood and chosen) and wonderful friends. I don't take this for granted... and I don't mean to down play it when I ramble on about how hard it is to try to conceive a second child. Some people are never fortunate enough to have the first. I remind myself of this... but that doesn't stop me from feeling what I feel. It only serves to keep things in perspective for me when I allow myself to get carried away.

I had to go tell Lillie to quit kicking the wall and shut her eyes. She's not made a peep since. Maybe she's finally asleep... nearly an hour and a half later. LOL. That kid is a mess, she makes me laugh! She cleaned her kitchen this morning while I cleaned mine. She's such a little sponge. She's so smart and she just amazes me.

I feel much better after writing this. I may try to keep this up. I need a place to download. I know I have used this before to keep everyone up to speed on our lives... but that probably wont be the case if I continue to blog. It will be more like a space I use to help me decompress. Your input is welcome, criticism isn't. That isn't what this is about for me. It is possible that I should set this to private, or create a new ID, anonymously send my thoughts out into the world wide web... but that's not my style, I don't need to hide. I don't keep much of anything about how I feel to myself. Why should this be any different? LOL.

Ok, that's all for me today. Sending love out to all.