July 29, 2011

  • My second pregnancy... the thoughts of a chubby girl

    Well, my first pregnancy was very interesting... so many things in the pregnancy books didn't apply to me... concerns about stretch marks, not fitting into my clothes, weight gain, etc. These were all things I had dealt with for the better part of my life. I accepted them as natural occurrences. My clothes didn't get tight because I didn't wear tight clothes and I didn't gain any weight, the location of my weight just shifted. I already had stretch marks, so what difference would a few more make? I only got three new ones, fyi. I resisted wearing maternity clothes for a long, long time, until my body looked totally and fully pregnant. Even though I could have pulled it off in the first trimester, I didn't want to look so pregnant and then have to explain that I was only 8 weeks along. LMAO! I never got a "baby bump". I went from plump, chunky, curvy, healthy, happy... to PREGNANT. I truly loved my pregnant body. I enjoyed the round, fullness of my belly... that for once, was suppose to be round and full... and in such a beautiful way. I felt better about my body than I ever have. It was liberating and wonderful. On top of all that, I felt strong and well. I felt healthy and I continued all the things I did pre-pregnancy and was probably even more active than that. Really, after a short few weeks of morning sickness (really, 2 or 3 weeks), the only complaint I had was that I truly despised ready the pregnancy books... they all spoke to the skinny crowd, there were chapters of shit that just didn't apply to me.

    My Mom said I should write a book... I considered it, but found myself so busy nesting... and soon taking care of a newborn, that I was just too busy to even start on it.

    Now I am quickly approaching the second trimester of my second pregnancy. My first trimester has been truly miserable. Sickness like I have never experienced... and then more extreme and agonizing sickness while traveling (there are no words, but it was full body pain, as well as gut wrenching nausea). I have been exhausted to the point of being unable to function. I have been bitchy to the max, don't believe me, just ask Tanc. I have cried... not because I have been so emotional, but because my heart truly breaks when I have hurt someone so carelessly... and been so unaware. I have apologized more times than I can count, and certainly more than I wish there were reason to. I have disliked my body more than I can remember disliking it in quite some time. I gave in and drug out the maternity clothes around 10 weeks, not because my clothes don't fit... I'm still losing weight... but because I need summer clothes and my maternity clothes are both summer clothes AND comfortable! I'm still wearing my clothes, just add in a pair of maternity shorts or capri's occasionally. I don't want to look pregnant yet, so I dislike wearing the maternity clothes so early (again, I don't want to explain that I'm only 12 weeks along). But, I also need clothes to wear and they expand my wardrobe. LOL. I have not felt like cleaning, I have despised cooking and I have become indifferent to eating. This is tough for me as I have always found catharsis in cleaning, happiness in cooking and comfort in eating. It's an emotional disconnect like no other.
    Additionally, I have felt fragile, like I have to be careful of the things I do. I'm not as gung-ho as I was during my first pregnancy. Picking up anything heavy scares me a little. I feel twinges and cramps that didn't exist during my first pregnancy. I spoke to my doctor about this and she said it probably has more to do with the c-section, and having experienced pregnancy than anything. This makes sense to me. However... all the bullshit that came with the first, the stuff that only applies to people who started somewhere right around their "target weight", is here with the second. Why doesn't anyone speak to the big girls about being pregnant?!

    For the last two days I have been feeling more like my old self. I am cleaning, cooking, running errands, organizing, eating... I feel good, I am happy, I want to eat, I enjoy doing all the things I did before. I'm back to having to be told to take a break, instead of never getting started. I think I may be hitting my second trimester stride a week early and I am very happy about this!! It is a great feeling.... and I know, just around the corner is also that happiness that comes with being pregnant and feeling well. Loving how my body looks is close now. I already notice changes, but no one else would. I'm ok with that. I am lucky in different ways, I don't have to watch my weight when I am pregnant... my body naturally does this (granted, its the only time my body does this). I don't have to worry if I'm gonna get fat, I already am! I don't have to worry about stretch marks, got 'em! I'm not concerned about my clothes not fitting.... not only is that something I'm already accustomed to, during my pregnancy, I will be able to wear my regular clothes for the duration... my shirts will fit differently, but that's about it. I will feel better about my body while I am pregnant, and in those moments when I don't.... I'm used to that too.

    You know, one of these days... maybe I will write a book... for big girls who are expecting children. I already know what my title will be... but you'll just have to wait till it hits the book stores to find that out!

    At this very moment, I'm going to stir my fresh green beans that have been cooking all day. Then I'm going to finish making the cake that I started. After that, I'm going to start my pork chops for dinner. Then it's time to play outside with my munchkin. Life is good. That doesn't mean I wont be sick again, or bitchy, or tired, or ugly... those things are bound to happen. It just means that I am going to enjoy every moment that those things aren't a part of!

    Love to all!