May 5, 2011
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Thoughts today…
Well, I have lots of things on my mind today, no one clear topic… so I’m just gonna type and see what comes out.
Looks like the start of my period is imminent. Yay. Well, at least we have one more month. I must say, I am much better with answers than I am with limbo.
I had acupuncture today… After he places the needles, I have 45 minutes to lay there and “relax” while they do their work…. I usually work on a meditation, try to focus my energy. Say a prayer, try to clear my head. Allow the process to work, not just lay there and make my grocery list. I practice focusing my mind, tuning out any “hot” places where a needle might be. I think we’ve devolved in such a way that any discomfort must be removed or numbed immediately that we no longer access the part of our brains that will do that for us. So I work on strengthening that in myself. But that’s a topic for another time I suppose.
Anyway, today I focused my energy differently…. normally I think of it bouncing around in my body, like a closed circuit. I think of it increasing or decreasing, depending on what is going on and how I feel. But today, today I imagined all the walls coming down, all the blockages being busted apart, I opened the gates. Now, I know there are some of you reading this right now, rolling your eyes, and that’s cool… we are all different. But, when you have trouble dealing with something and your usual method no longer works, you have to figure out what does… and sometimes that means stepping way outside yourself. So, try to keep an open mind… or at least be entertained. LOL.
Back to what I was saying, I tried to picture being open, nothing restricting, nothing closed; mind, heart, body & soul. I thought about how tightly I hold things when I’m anxious, when I am scared, when I am hoping (to be pregnant). I guard my heart, I put up walls in my own mind, I even guard my uterus… Stick with me here… I am so afraid that I am going to do something wrong, something that will keep me from getting pregnant or something that will damage a potential pregnancy that I effectively cut parts of me off as a protective effort… But in acupuncture, the goal is to get energy flowing, to help your body work the way it should… so if I’m blocking energy by being so protective, how effective can the acupuncture really be? Change your mind, the rest will follow, right? I felt so much lighter when it was all said and done… and although I am not full flow, I am now doing more than spotting… Immediately after the session mind you. Maybe I was holding on so tightly that I was preventing my body from doing what it needed to do. I believe its possible, it was waiting on me to let go.Now, don’t get me wrong, I am not so enlightened… I am sad that I am not pregnant, I am disappointed that we have ended another cycle, unfruitful. I am scared that my dream of having another baby, of being a mom again, of feeling the joys of a growing child inside me will slip away unfulfilled. I am in a foul mood. I want to cry, but I can’t. I want to be mad, but at what? It is what it is and what is meant to be will be. I believe these things, though presently they bring me no comfort. I feel silent and small. And I realize that my emotions are big and while quiet, affect anyone within a 50 yard radius. I couldn’t wait to get home and get on the computer to try to purge, to prevent from being such a negative force today.
I already want to start the conversation with Tancy about extending our deadline… But I don’t want to be so desperate. I want to tell her that I just can’t give up yet… but I don’t want to be so defeated already. I know that you can push for something so hard that you can make it happen, even when it shouldn’t have. I don’t want to do that. But I just don’t feel ready to throw in the towel. I know there are lengths that I am not prepared to go to, certain treatments, certain costs, etc. But I am struggling with the deadline presently. I keep trying to tell myself that we will cross that bridge when we get to it, but I never expected to be so close to it.
The universe is odd, when you think of it… pick something that causes you discomfort, pain, displeasure, anxiety, etc. and it will be absolutely everywhere. LOL. So, today, when I stop at walmart for pads and mother’s day cards, what do I see? More pregnant women than you can shake a stick at! They are every where… and where they aren’t, women with new born babe’s. Ugh! I want to scream out. But again, at what? I cannot, I refuse to allow myself, to be a jealous person. I wouldn’t trade my circumstances for anyone else’s. I have a great life, a truly wonderful partner, a daughter who is everything I ever hoped she would be… What reason do I have to be jealous? I don’t know what their life is like outside of a snap shot. But it’s funny how some things appear to be more prominent when you really don’t want to see them.
Right now, I’d like to get trashed… just lose myself for a while. Blow off some steam and really decompress. But that’s highly unlikely. I will continue to be a responsible adult, I will consider Tancy and Lillie, I wont take time from them. I wont look for ways to numb myself to all that I feel and silence all my thoughts. I will figure out the best way to feel what I feel while doing the best I can not to impact either of them negatively.
There was a time when I would have turned to food… that would have been my drug of choice, so to speak. But that brings me no comfort, and to be honest, I am glad. Old habits die hard and I still look to food for comfort occasionally, but it just isn’t there any more. I’m not sure what caused the shift, I am certain I didn’t do it, LOL, but I am glad for it. Now, if only I were thinner for it! Haha!It’s clear that I have no real train of thought here, I am bouncing around and, to be honest, I lack much focus. I may return later… I am not sure… hopefully for now I have downloaded enough to make a difference.
Lillie is down for a nap, and much the same as yesterday, is laying in there talking to herself. LOL. Gotta love her!
Thanks for taking the time to read. Love to all.
