May 5, 2011

  • Purging

    As hard as I might try, today has been emotionally charged to say that least. It's also been incredibly difficult because I can't seem to get close to Tancy, to let her in. She's always the person I turn to... and for some reason, I can't. I feel prickly and angry and I just can't get close to anyone. The sound of my own voice is grating, so I'm having trouble even speaking... about anything.

    How can this be? I am a communicator. I talk about everything. It's how I process. Furthermore, I talk to Tancy about everything. Even the stuff I think no one should say out loud. How did I get here and how the hell do I get out?!

    We ran an errand and I cried half the way there and all the way back... I settled down a while after getting home and then broke down in tears once again. I just feel like a complete wreck. I want to be strong, I want to be brave, I want to have perspective and peace about the situation. Right now, I lack all of those things. I am pissed, disappointed, hurt & confused. I want to ignore these feelings. I really wish I could be ok with this, to truly believe it will all work itself out and my dream will come true, and see this as another opportunity to try again. Instead, today, I see it as a failure. I am not ok with it. I am ashamed to admit that I question if my dream will come true... And yet, I know, if I can't get there... to that place... the place of acceptance and peace... that I jeopardize any chance I have left to get pregnant. Negativity and cynicism will only hinder this process. And tear me apart in the interim.

    Sooo... What do I do? I think the answer, at least for now, is cry. Let it be. Feel whatever there is to feel. Then, when I am completely exhausted from all the big emotions, take a long hot soak in my big ol' tub, then crawl into bed and pass out. There may be an alcoholic beverage in the mix there somewhere... who knows?! But it is evident that the harder I try NOT to feel, the bigger my feelings become. In an effort not to allow it to take control of my day, I have effectively lost control of myself. Ugh! Why do I always have to contradict myself? Do you know how frustrating that is?! To intend to do one thing and accomplish just the opposite... constantly... it's insanity!

    I think that concludes this blog. I am just going to talk in circles if I keep this up... I hope you all have a good night. Love to all.