Wow, I don't even know how long it has been since I posted last. I suppose I could have looked, but it doesn't matter really.

Seems like so much has happened in the last few months. I guess having a baby will do that to you. Then we went on vacation to the beach with the Dean/Fischer family. That was a learning experience for me... by that I mean I have to work hard at what seems to be a growing number of things...but we had a good time all in all.

We made a flying trip to Ohio to bring Scout to Zach. We felt like we weren't giving the dogs the attention that they were accustomed to and needed. Zach really wanted a puppy and Jessi and Joe's criteria was that it had to be trained, so Scout was perfect. That was so hard. I cannot tell you how much I cried, how many times we went back and forth about it and how close I was to changing my mind entirely. But it has worked out great. Hemmi is happy, Scout is getting a ton of love and attention, not to mention new activities. I still miss her, but it was the right decision.

Lillie and I just got back from our trip to Louisiana. It was wonderful. I was so happy for Maw-Maw to see Lillie and them to get some time together. I was additionally happy for the rest of the family to meet her and get some time. The time we were there went by so fast. It was great and difficult all at the same time, it's hard to be away from Tancy and our home for that long. Plus its just a new phase in our life... one more thing to learn our way around... shift work, travel, a baby and the list goes on. Lillie traveled like a champ. She slept the entire time on the flight there and the flight back. She did well with all the attention and activity as well. Saturday, when the whole family was at Mom and Dad's house was a bit tough for her after a while. Sunday I believe her tummy was bothering her so we had a rough spot or two that day as well. I am telling you, nothing is the same once you have a baby and its turned upside down when you travel with a baby. But I wouldn't have it any other way! Boy was it hard to leave there. It was so nice to spend time with my family and see them every day.

Tancy is currently in the middle of an outage. She started nights after we got back from vacation and will be on nights until the middle of October. It sucks. It is like being on my own (except financially, lol) and that's tough with a little one. Of course I know there are single Mom's that do that every day plus the financial aspect. I am fortunate, I know, I get to stay home with our baby and take care of her and our home. I don't have the additional pressure of having to work as well. But man, some days are hard. It's lonely and too quiet, it's stressful and although sometimes I think about or want to go do something to get out of the house, I can get overwhelmed with the process and decide against it. I'm quiet during the day because Tancy's sleeping, I work twice as hard to keep Lillie happy because Tancy's asleep. At night, I am quiet because Lillie is sleeping. I want to get things done, but I am so tired that it just doesn't always happen. I try to get in bed and to sleep as quickly after Lillie is asleep as I can, but that doesn't usually work out. I can feel like all there is to do is just piling up and I'll never get it all done. That is an additional adjustment for me, not being able to just tear through the house and get done what I need/want to get done.
With feedings, pumping, bottles, diapers, play time, getting ready (her... and me as soon as I can) and trying to eat, pay bills, balance the check book, cook, clean up, laundry, taking care of Hemmi and the 9 million other things I have to do I just get done what I can. The house really needs a good scrubbing, but I can't get it done here by myself. I just want to knock that pile down to something manageable and see if I can keep it up from there. I guess this is the desire of most any Mom who can't find enough hours in the day.

So yesterday Lillie rolled over for the first time, she did it twice in a row! We were amazed and so proud! I think she'll crawl before too long, she's got her legs going and pushing with them, she's just gotta get her arms going with her legs and she'll be off and running! We are going to have to get an area rug for the living room. She's smiling, she'll give a half laugh, but nothing like a real giggle or full laugh yet. She's so expressive and she "talks" all the time. I swear if she isn't talking in the next few months I'll be surprised. I'll say "I love you" and she'll mutter something that sounds like she's trying to say it back. I am sure people will think I'm crazy, there's no way she's trying to talk... whatever... I am telling you the kid is trying as hard as she can. If you ask a question, she will respond. She doesn't just start out crying, she starts out "fussin", sounds like she's complaining, lol, in her own little language. We'll see I guess. I can't wait though! She's getting so big, she's 24" long and currently weighs 12 pounds 4 ounces. Just two weeks ago she was 23" and 10 pounds 15 ounces!
I am still pumping, I pump a little better than an ounce for each hour. But if I wait longer than about 5 hours to pump that amount decreases. Optimum pump time would be every 2 - 4 hours. Any less and its not worth the trouble. Any more and its not as productive. I had to buy a new pump since I exclusively pump. I killed two pumps! LOL. When we aren't traveling or out and about I make enough for her to have only breast milk, I don't have to supplement with formula. But if we travel or are out running around its hard to coordinate bringing a breast milk bottle and heating it, as well as a place to pump. So we usually bring a formula bottle with us to give her if she's hungry while we are out. I don't like giving her formula simply because I can tell that it bothers her stomach, she spits up more from it and ends up with gas (she typically wont have gas from breast milk unless I have eaten something that gives me gas, which isn't often) that hurts her belly. So if I can avoid giving her a formula bottle, I do.

Finances are tighter right now than I would like them to be. But we've had several expenses lately, vacation and the breast pump... both big ticket things. The outage overtime should help with that. I am already thinking about Christmas and the cost coming with that. Not to mention the trip to Ohio for Jessi's wedding and the trip to Louisiana at the end of October for our "Christmas" trip. It'll all work out, it always does. I just hate thinking about, worrying about, money. If you have it you worry about it and if you don't you worry about it... but I'd sure rather the worry from having it! LOL.

I've got a list a mile long of things to do/get, if possible, with some of the over time money. I also have a list a mile long of things I need/want to get done around the house. We've got things stretched pretty thin lately, with activities, travel, household stuff and holidays. But this is really nothing new for us as most of you know. Plus we will soon be planning our next baby! Whew! Haha. One thing is for sure, we don't do anything half ass!!

Today was a bit of a tough day with Lillie, she spit up alot, both in volume and frequency. I, of course, worry about that. It isn't her typical to spit up alot. She did tummy time twice today and rolled over again. She has been doing better... but the pallet we have been making for her isn't going to be big enough for much longer. She really likes to be laid down and talked to. She's not really big on being held alot. But she LOVES to be talked to. I talk to her all day long... I know... that's hard to believe. Sometimes she will fuss if you aren't talking to her. She loves her changing table. Strange I know. But if she's fussing, you can (usually) lay her on it and talk to her and she will smile and start talking back. She also really loves being outside, unless its hot... she is a hot natured baby (got that from her Momma, poor thing). She tries to hold her bottle, she can manage it for a bit until her hands get going. The last two nights she has slept all night long. 10 1/2 hours night before last and 10 hours last night. See, if I could sleep I could be well rested. But not only do I have trouble falling asleep alot of times, even when I do go to sleep, I've got to get up to pump. So it'll be a while before I can take advantage of the 10 hours of sleep. But that's ok. I am doing my best to do what is best for her.

I don't know how many of you knew that I had been having trouble with my wrist since she was born. I think it started with the IV that they put in for induction. Tendonitis, I got a cortisone shot. It's been feeling better, the anti-inflammatory helps also. I am suppose to be keeping it immobile, but that seems near impossible with a 3 month old. I am trying to take the anti-inflammatory on a schedule. I have to go back in a month to let the doc take a look at it again.

I can't think of anything else. I have just felt out of sorts today. I have been home sick since I got back from Louisiana. That isn't a common feeling for me. I miss my family, don't get me wrong, but I don't often have that feeling of wanting to be back in Louisiana, to live there. Tancy and I have had conversations about our respective homes and how much easier it would be to live near family (our parents, etc.). But neither of us can be any further away from our families than we already are. I'm 12 hours from mine and she's 6.5 hours from hers. It isn't exactly middle, but it is where we are and I can't see any way that it would be different (although Tancy would move to the coast, correction, the Keys, in a heart beat!). But as of today, I think alot about living back in Louisiana. Which is surprising because I never thought I would ever want to live in Louisiana again. Just another fine example of how a baby changes everything. I'd love for Lillie to have time with Maw-Maw on a regular basis. I would love to be able to hang out with my cousins and their kids. I'd love (though it would require a move on her part) for Lillie and Marlie to grow up together. But I made the choice to leave home and there's really no way to make it different at this point in time. I like it here, don't get me wrong. But I think it is harder to be away from family. We have our friends and they are our chosen family... and they are great. But there's something about  being able to call your Mom up and have coffee together in the morning. Or go hang out with Maw-Maw and listen to her stories (even though you've heard them a million times). Or having Dad nearby when I am home alone at night, should I need him. To not feel so isolated when Tancy is working her crazy outage schedule, or working the weekend on nights. Yes, I knew all these things before, but the emotion attached to it all now is different. I guess I just needed to have an outlet for those feelings.

It feels good to write again. I haven't felt like it in a while. I haven't been depressed, but I have been struggling lately with changes I feel like I need to make as well as reconciling some of my feelings about one thing and another. I just couldn't sort it all out in my head. And that, for me, is so very difficult. I usually just get it out there and then work it out through that process. Alot of times its feelings that involve others and I just can't post about those things. That wouldn't be right. So I can feel kinda stuck, without an outlet. My biggest struggle right now is Tancy being in this outage. I hardly see her. I do feel isolated right now. Some of that, I suppose, is my own doing. I don't make alot of efforts to get out there and do things with others. It's hard for me, feed Lillie, pump, do bottles, get us both ready, get everything together and head out the door... then be back in no more than 6 hours from the time I started to pump so that I can pump again. It's hard to make myself do. Plus I can withdraw from everyone when I feel stressed or emotional because I don't want others to see it, I don't want to share that part of me with everyone. I also don't want to be a bitch to others, so if I feel rigid, I stay home. If I stay at home, I can at least manage what I have to do and I can interact with Lillie in a positive way. But soon I am going to have to get over myself. Lillie needs interaction with more than just me, and I want her to have that. But my other issue is wanting certain things on my terms, or the way I want it... and that just isn't the way it works. Ugh...... so complicated.

Well, I think I have bounced all over the place enough tonight. It feels like now that the door is open again there's just so much coming through and I need to channel it a little better. But that's how it works, it's a jumbled mess when I start again after a long time away. I don't know if I will be able to blog often from here on out, but I hope to blog more often than I have been. Maybe, if nothing else, it will help me to sleep better at night... less bouncing around in my head.

I hope that everyone is doing well.

Love to all!

Wow, once again its been a while... I don't know how long this post will be... but I can't seem to sleep, so it seemed like the thing to do.

We spent a week at the beach with Tancy's family. It was good. There were a few adjustments that I needed to make, that we needed to make, but we did well and found our balance quickly. It was a crazy, fun week. 15 adults and 7 kids in one house!!! Can you imagine?

Lillie put her feet in the sand and in the ocean for the first time. She went to the aquarium, which she slept through, go figure. She slept during her first and second ferry ride. She slept through a walk on the beach. I can't even tell you what all she slept through. LOL. She did really well though, with all the noise and commotion in the house. She's nosey, wants to be up in the middle of everything, but when she was asleep the noise didn't wake her. That made me happy. Everyone was happy to see her and hold her and talk to her. It made my heart full to see everyone with her. I wont lie though, I was some kinda glad to get home on Saturday.

I think that's all I got for now... I am just not into blogging tonight.

Love to all!

Wow, I can't believe how long it has been since I blogged. The 12th! Today is the 25th!! Where does the time go?!

Lillie is 5 weeks old, gaining weight, doing well. She's growing like a weed, as my Maw-Maw would say. She's smiling and cooing and grinning and "talking" more and more each day. She's so expressive and I am completely in love with her.

So let's see, the high spots... well, we've had alot of long, emotional chats in the days since my last post. I won't go into all topic matter, it wouldn't be fair. But I will say that having a child changes absolutely everything. Everyone says that, and I knew it would be true, but you just cannot imagine how those changes soak into every minute detail of your life. Our relationship is different now, it is evolving every day, becoming better, stronger, more intimate even. How we feel about our relationships outside of our home is different now as well. Our household responsibilities are changing and developing. We are finding our way... but boy is it painful sometimes. No one goes into any detail with you, when you are trying to get pregnant or are pregnant, about the changes and growing pains (pains being the operative word) that you will experience. I am so very thankful that Tancy and I have worked at our communication for the last 5 years... otherwise this process might be even more uncomfortable for the two of us.

I have been consistently exhausted. Between the continued blood loss (thankfully tapering off), pumping so Lillie still gets breast milk (OMG that is so much more exhausting than I can express), the night time feedings (even if I am not feeding her I am up to pump), the crying (hers and ours) and improper care on my part (rest and nutrition)... I just can't seem to catch up.

We have been fairly busy while Tancy's been on vacation. Trying not to just become shut in's and trying not to over do it either. It is like walking a tight rope and I have to be honest I felt like I'd fallen off a few times! We went to the farmer's market, we went for a hike in the mountains, we did some shopping also. She's becoming well traveled already, even though she's slept through all of it! LOL. That's ok, its a great thing, for me to spend that family time. I think I need that more than anything else, the three of us hanging out, taking a drive, walking around, whatever... just taking that time to bond and hang out. There's a bit of reconnecting to be done for Tancy and I in many ways... it's easy to put Lillie first and put ourselves on the back burner. This doesn't work for long as you can imagine. So we are working on the balance there as well. It's all so new, everything is new.

We had two or three nights in a row, where right at bed time Lillie would throw a holy terror fit... to the point that both myself and Tancy were near tears before she settled down. We were concerned that she had colic. But Tancy started nights last night and I tried an experiment. I gave her a bath just before it was time for her first "night time" bottle. Then she had 3/4 of a bottle, swaddled, the rest of the bottle and down for the night. She went soundly to sleep and slept till it was time to eat again. I repeated this process each time, starting with changing her diaper before her bottle. No fits. I was so very thankful, I can't even tell ya. With Tancy on nights I couldn't imagine how I might get through one of those fits on my own without ending up a sobbing mess myself. So, no need to worry about that.

Since last night went so well, we ventured out again this morning, to go get diapers and a few neccessities. Before we got home, by maybe 10 minutes, it was apparent I had pushed it too far... she was in full fit. I just drove home, what else could I do? She fell asleep just before I got home and was wide awake and crying when I carried her in. I changed her butt, fixed her bottle and she was satisfied. It's so hard to not want to stop the world from spinning when she cries. I really just want to soothe her and have her be happy. But sometimes she is going to cry and I'm not always going to be able to stop what I am doing (I am learning this slowly and painfully in some ways).

Tonight she was down for about 5:30 after her bath and bottle. She's in her pack-n-play now sleeping, I expect her to be up in about an hour to eat again. I will have to pump after she eats and then hopefully we will both sleep soundly until the next round. It gets easier each day, but boy, some days are so tough and exhausting. I am planning on a quiet day at home tomorrow, take care of a few things around the house and just chill out.

I have to admit that tonight I am a bit lonesome. Nothing really to be done about it, just is. I mean, its nothing to be concerned about... I think the baby blues have faded almost entirely away. I still have moments of sensitivity (whether that's crying or pissed off), but they are not anything like what they were 2 weeks ago. We will still have bumps in the road, that is life, but I think we are seeing a bit clearer now than in the beginning. I am very happy about that. Boy, shift work also plays its own part in it all. While Tancy's on nights I am basically by myself. She sleeps during the day, so I have all day to take care of her and then at night too. I am lucky enough to catch a shower between the time Tancy gets up and the time she leaves for work, and she usually takes the feeding that happens in that time frame, but otherwise there just isn't the time. I am not complaining, just another piece of our puzzle.

Alright kids... as much other stuff as I have to purge I don't think I am going to put it all out there for public consumption. So that's all I got for tonight. I hope that everyone is doing well and hopefully before too terribly long I will have time to blog on a more regular basis. I'd like to also post some pictures soon. We shall see. I am just happy to get a shower, get dressed and eat before noon! LOL.

Love to all!

It's been a while, it takes days for me to have a moment to blog. It's 8:33 on Sunday night. Tancy is giving Lillie a bottle and then she'll go down for the night... she was down before, but I hadn't put her in her jammies so here we are eating again and THEN bedtime.

So last time I blogged Mom had just left. Lillie and I had a good day together before Tancy got home. Once Tancy got home we went and got dinner and then home to rest for the night. Casie, Chuck and Marlie got here around 10:15 that night and as soon as I got them in the house and settled a bit I went back to bed.

Friday morning Lillie & me got up and spent a little time with Casie & Marlie. Tancy was up before long and so was Chuck. Friday we hung around the house a bit that morning and then we all got ready and went to get sushi for lunch. It was yummy. We came back home, dropped the girls, Tancy & Chuck and then Casie and I went to Wal-Mart to get some groceries. We came back home and just hung out a bit before bedtime.

Saturday morning started much the same as Friday morning. We got moving a bit earlier, though not much, and headed to the flea market here by the house... that was a bust! Then we went to the flea market in Dallas. That was not a bust... lots of stuff. But Lillie got a little too hot and we ended up cutting our shopping short. From there we went to Mandy's and put Marlie in her blow up pool and just hung out a bit. We headed home before long and threw some steaks on the grill. They were delicious!! Mandy came by and ate dinner with us too. It was funny, both the girls were crying, Casie & I were in the kitchen, just trying to get everything done. Tancy and Chuck were outside grilling the steaks. It just seemed like thats how it should be. I've simplified all of the weekend cause I've got alot of ground to cover... but it was a good weekend. It totally made me wish that we lived closer together so that our girls could spend time together and we could have more nights like that night.

Sunday morning we were up early and they were out of here by like 7:00 or so... I hated to see them leave. And at the same time it was nice to have the house to ourselves again. Such mixed emotions about things like that... hard to figure out why things have to be so conflicting. We spent the whole day in our pajamas, even Lillie, till she shit all through her diaper, onto Tancy and the couch! It was crazy. I thought Tancy was going to gag. She was ready to throw out the pajamas instead of just washing them out. I had to laugh! I forget what we did for dinner, I know we didn't cook.... but the day was fairly uneventful.

Monday Tancy was back to work. I was so tired. Little to no sleep at night and now a full day of just me and Lillie. On the one hand it was nice, on the other hand, it was exhausting! When Tancy got home we went pretty quickly to bed. She was kind enough to bring dinner home, so there wasn't much else to do.

Tuesday was a repeat of Monday, as was Wednesday. We didn't leave the house except for Tuesday to get breast pads and a few other absolutely necessary items. By Wednesday I was emotionally exhausted. Physically I was ok, but emotionally I was spent. My brain felt like mush and to focus on much more than feeding Lillie and taking care of her was really not possible.

Thursday was the first day of Tancy's vacation. We took Lillie to the doctor. She weighs 7 lbs. 7 oz. and is now 21" long. She's doing really well. It became evident to me that our doctor was watching her closely out of concern for her weight. That's one reason we like him, he was worried but didn't get us twisted, he just advised us as to what we needed to do and kept us coming in to check on her. After we finished up there we ran some errands. I was completely exhausted by the time we got home. It was too late to get a nap... but I knew we had over done it... at least I had.

Friday we got up and headed to the second hand store to get Tancy some shorts. Then we went to Mandy's for a bon fire. We got there early, but she had to work late... so she didn't get home till like 9:00. We left by 10:00, it was just more than I could do. I am not up to that yet... maybe I should be... I don't know what the "norm" is... but for me, it was just beyond what I could do.

Saturday we took care of a few things around the house. I was feeling really good about accomplishing some of the normal stuff that we'd let go too far. Then it all went down hill. Something happened that made me feel frustrated and then the water works started. We had a good talk about what we each needed and how to get that. Then we headed out to the mountains to reconnect and chill out. We didn't end up taking a walk in the mountains, the rain was coming, but it was good just to get out of the house and away from the phones and TV and everything. We came back home, had dinner and watched UFC's 100. It was good. We were up way too late though. LOL.

We slept in till 10:00 this morning. Of course that isn't the same as it used to be. I fed Lillie at 2:00 and she was up till 4:00... I was exhausted! Then she was up at 7:00 to eat again. Then at 10:00 we finally got up. We started getting ready fairly early, we were taking Mandy to eat for her birthday. By 2:00 we were headed to the restaraunt. Food was good. They sang to Mandy and Val (her birthday was the 8th) and put sombrero's on their heads! It was entertaining. Then we headed to the mall for Mandy and Tancy to look for swim suits. From there we headed home and hung out a bit. Everybody headed to their respective homes before long and Tancy and I had another long talk, full of tears.

I don't have post partum depression, but I think I do have a touch of the baby blues. I know this because I don't tolerate company well, I do just fine with Tancy... but too much interaction or stimulation is more than I can take. I withdraw. I don't "visit" well with people at this point. I am not sure why that is, other than to attribute it to baby blues. I don't know if its normal. I don't have any idea what other women go through... I can only speak to how I feel. I want our friends and family to visit, I get happy about it even... but before its all said and done I pull away completely. Tancy and I talked about it all, lots of tears and hurt feelings... but I think we figured it all out and smoothed it all over. I hope she had a better understanding of where I am at and I think I have a better understanding of where she is at. That's one thing about same sex relationships.... we speak the same language, we understand each other (this is positive), however... we can both be emotional at the same time (this is negative). So it can sometimes be tricky to talk to each other about how we feel. We did really well though, we always do... we work it out and keep talking about things until we get it sorted out. Just one of the many reasons I love her. I will tell you this... whatever differences you have before you have kids, become even bigger after you do! LOL. Jsut a word to the wise. If you were good about working it out before, you'll probably still be good about working it out... but if not... well... I'm just glad that isn't the case for us at this point.

That's all I got for now. I don't think the baby blues is anything to worry about. I am just acknowledging it and talking about it. Keeping myself in check is always a good thing.

I hope that everyone is well. I hope to post more frequently at some point. Just not sure when... 18 years or so?! LOL.

Love to all!

Well, alot has happened since I blogged last. Sunday was a day full of frustration. Lillie got more fussy as the day went on, having more trouble latching, but eventually getting there. Outside of that, it was a good day. I felt better physically and that was a big plus in my book. I felt like I was catching up on my sleep a bit too. Sunday night though, everything changed. At her 7:00 feeding she was fussier but did manage to latch and went soundly to sleep. At 11:00 we woke up to feed her, she wouldn't nurse at all, she got so upset that once I stopped trying she immediately went to sleep. I didn't force her to wake up, it was just too emotionally draining on both myself and Tancy, and I just couldn't bare feeling like I was causing her to cry.

At 2:00 it was worse yet. This time I pumped and Tancy gave her a bottle of the breast milk I had pumped on Friday. This was after an hour of trying to nurse her. I was reduced to tears and just couldn't keep doing it at that point. She took the bottle without any fuss and then went soundly to sleep. At the next feeding it was more of the same and before it was all said and done we ended up giving her the bottle of breast milk I had pumped previously and I pumped again. After a couple of turns like this we started making phone calls, our doctor, lactation consultants at the hospital and the La Leche League. We got in touch with our doctor who said that we should call a lactation consultant. We couldn't get in touch with one of them, but we did get someone with the local La Leche League... after talking to the lady she decided to come to the house to help us. She was here in a half an hour. We worked for an hour together trying to get her to latch, no luck. She felt certain that we had thrush (I had asked Tancy about Lillie having thrush on Saturday, but since she showed none of the signs, we brushed it off.)
**New or expecting mothers read this part carefully**
Turns out if mom has a yeast infection (which I got from the IV antibiotics) and is treated for it (I took Diflucan on Saturday) baby should be treated as well. If not, baby gets moms yeast and this can affect (though obviously not always) nursing... their little mouth is raw and it hurts them. Nipples from bottles are easier for them. Which is why Lillie would take the bottle, but wouldn't latch. It's also why she started "bitting" me. She hurt.
So we get back on the phone with our pediatrician and tell them we think she's got thrush, the pediatrician is gone for the day (or we probably wouldn't gotten the prescription that day to treat her) so we made an appointment for first thing the next morning. We decided to keep trying to nurse, using the methods that the lady from the La Leche League had shown us and just see how it might go. It got progressively worse. I was pumping every 2 hours just to keep up with her, scared to death that we wouldn't have enough milk to satisfy her. I was a mess.

Tuesday morning I was a complete wreck. Up every 2 hours (that's 2 hours from the moment I started pumping, not from the time I stopped pumping) to pump while Tancy made a bottle for Lillie. Feeling rejected and heart broken, she'd latch on to anything but me. She'd root and give all the que's like she would nurse, but then she would refuse the breast. Again, I took this very personally. The lack of sleep wasn't helping and neither was having to hook up to the aparatus every two hours and only producing a total of an ounce. Every where I turned I felt like I was running into walls. We got to the doctor and she'd gained some weight, I think 2.5 ounces since we had her weighed on Friday, not as much as I had hoped, I chalked it up to the fact that she'd not been nursing well. Once I told our pediatrician that I'd had a yeast infection and taken Diflucan he didn't need to hear any more... he knew she had thrush, even without all the signs (which she didn't have). He also felt certain I had mastitis. So, antibiotic for me for the mastitis and another course of diflucan to counter me taking yet another antibiotic. Nystatin for Lillie's thrush (a drop on my breast before offering it to her to nurse and then a drop in each cheek after nursing... or bottle feeding). He wanted us to supplement formula through the night where necessary (and it was necessary, I couldn't pump enough for her). Home we went, me in tears and yet also relieved to know our doctor would listen to us and we had the treatment we needed. I was hopeful that with the medicine she'd be nursing again in 24 hours. He didn't want me pumping until that evening, that way my milk would be right there for her, she wouldn't have to work too hard, since she was now accustomed to the bottle offering it up immediately. And we would return Wednesday morning to see how the 24 hour period had gone.
The rest of the day was grueling. We had to work to get her woken up, medicine on the nipple once she was, try to get her to nurse, try different positions, then try the other breast (repeat process) and after 30 minutes (the limit I'd set for myself and our pediatrician agreed on) we'd give her a bottle of either breast milk or formula. Each time I was in tears as I pumped and she happily took the bottle. Again the rejection I felt each time was so hard. This process was repeated every 2 hours. It was absolutely gut wrenching for me.

Wednesday morning at the last feeding before we would leave for the doctors appointment I told Tancy that I just couldn't try to nurse again. I wanted her to just give her the bottle without me trying to nurse. I didn't have it in me to make her cry again, only to result in her taking a bottle. I sat in the back of the car with her, desperate to feel that closeness to her that I'd felt while I was nursing. I just wanted to be close to her when she wasn't crying, to be able to enjoy her again. I missed my daughter. That's the only way I know to put it. I was tired of the fight and I wasn't sure what to do next. Even after 24 hours of medicine she wouldn't nurse, she would latch, she would even suckle once or twice, but she was frustrated pretty quickly and didn't want it... even though my milk was right there, ready for her to just take that draw, just like with the bottle. I don't know if her mouth was still too raw or if she had nipple confusion... either way she wouldn't take the breast. I asked for a sign of what we should do. I didn't want to do what was "easy" (as if anything felt easy at that moment), I only wanted to do what was absolutely best for her. I could see how the breast or the bottle (formula and/or breast milk) both had their positives, I just had no idea what to do. I tried not to cry any more. I felt like I'd cried for days and I was exhausted. This wasn't good for either of us. When we weighed her she'd gained 5 ounces in a 24 hour period! Now that's a sign. She hadn't gained that much in a week and a half after her birth. Obviously she wasn't getting what she needed from me. This was a relief (that she was gaining) and another break in my heart (because it was from formula and not me) all at the same time. The doctor confirmed what I felt, that she wasn't getting adequate milk from me and might not latch at all again. So, formula it is... supplemented with breast milk as I produce it. I don't have to pump every 2 hours, but I do have to pump within a reasonable time in order to keep any milk production. (This is another decision that I will have to make eventually, when is it no longer productive to pump.... a decision I am not ready to make presently.) I was relieved to not have the weight of that decision on me, to put her on formula, the information was undeniable, she needed to be on formula. Initially I felt better. We came home so that I could pump (because I hadn't since about 11:00 the night before) and then out to get supplies we needed for bottle feeding and formula. To Babies R Us first to get some items there, wow formula is expensive... and immediately I felt guilty about what I'd spent on nursing bras, so confident that we would succeed. Why hadn't I just waited a little longer? Then to Target to get the rest of what we needed. Then home. I was completely spent. And now the relief had faded and I was feeling incredibly emotional.
I needed to pump not long after we got home. I couldn't give her a bottle, it messed with me too bad. When she would root while I held her I was a sobbing mess. It messed with my head so badly. I went to the back to pump, Tancy came with me to help and I just fell apart. Honestly, pieces. That's the only way I can explain it to you... I had all these conflicting emotions and I couldn't digest it all and decompress. My emotions, hormones, chemistry, everything was against me. I knew that alot of it wasn't rational but there was nothing I could do about it but talk. I felt rejected, personally. I felt like I had been told that something synthetic was better for her than what I could give her. She was happier to take a bottle than to nurse. I couldn't reconcile my feelings about the immediate and abrupt disconnect that had happened. As relieved as I was to not have to fight that fight any more I was heart broken, I wasn't ready yet. I wasn't ready to not have that connection with my child. This is all selfish of course, but this is all about my feelings, whatever they are and my constant need to work it out and take it apart. After my break down I pumped and tried to pull it together. I just wanted us both to feel better, to rest and to reconnect. Mandy and Steve came by and I tried to hold it together while they were here. I just checked out really, it was all I could do. We went to bed right after they left and I was able to sleep from 8:00 till 11:00. Tancy gave Lillie her 11:00 bottle while I pumped. But then she decided she was going to spit up, projectile style and I had to put her on my chest to get her to sleep. She slept 30 minutes and then was fussy... she was hungry still. I made another bottle and fed her, slowly, burping her every half ounce. After she got it down she was sound asleep (2:00 AM).

She was up again when Tancy got up to get ready for work. I took her to Mom who was happy to give her a bottle and went back to bed myself. I slept till about 7:30 and stirred about a bit. I needed to pump again. Mom gave her another bottle while I pumped and we visited a bit. We were both busy from that point forward, picking up, getting the diaper bag together, sterilizing, packing, etc. The morning went by in a flash. I wasn't sure how I would react to dropping her at the airport. I was hopeful that I wouldn't cry... I'd cried more than enough in the last few days to last me quite a while. It wasn't that I wasn't sad to see her leave, I just needed to be a bit more emotionally sound and not fall apart. We left the house around 10:30 after Mom gave her another bottle. We picked up breakfast on our way, yummy. I missed my turn for the airport, so we took the scenic route, which neither of us minded. We got there right at the 2 hour mark. She kissed Lillie bye and I got her stuff out of the back of the car. We hugged and said our "I love you's" and reminded each other that I'd be in Louisiana soon. We both worked hard not to get emotional and succeeded. Driving away was hard, but I managed to be ok, like I would have been on any other visit, reflecting on what a wonderful time we'd had and looking forward to the next visit.
I called Pops to tell him that I'd successfully gotten Mom to the airport on time. He sounded good and was glad to hear that we were both ok. Gave him an update on Lillie and he was gald to hear that she was doing better and that I was too. We went to Sam's club to get a few things, then to Target to get some others (wow, we do alot of shopping). It was good to be out and to have some time with Lillie. Maybe I was putting off being at home without Mom, I can't say for certain, but I was proud to be capable of taking care of a few things. I gave her a bottle in the car at Target and she was asleep again. After Target we headed home. I took her out of her car seat and let her wake up on her own, we talked and visited a bit. It was great to reconnect with her and just feel close again... seemed like every time I held her the past few days it was such a fight and so emotional. It was wonderful for it just to feel good again. Once she was awake I gave her a bottle and then we talked some more. I watched the faces she made and listened to the new noises she'd learned. I put her in her rocker after a while so I could get a few things done... laundry, pump (pumping about 4 ounces of breast milk every 6 hours... not enough for her to have just that, but at least she's still getting breast milk right?) and then sterilize bottles and pumping stuff.
Tancy's home now and giving her a bottle and I am ready to wrap this up and just enjoy our nuclear family for a moment. Casie, Chuck and Marlie are on their way, they should be here by 10:00 and I am excited to see them and for them to see Lillie.

I do feel much better today. I know that we are absolutely doing what is best for her. What more can any parents do? In my mind, that is the most important thing. Any attachment I have to breast feeding at this point is more about me than her. I am happy to keep providing some breast milk for her, but at some point it will be just too much work for too little pay off... I'm just not ready to make that call yet. But I'll get there. At the end of the day the lesson is this: Go ahead, make your plans and hold on for the roller coaster ride... that's what parenthood is... knowing how you want things to go and then for everything other than that to happen!

I hope that everyone is having a great evening. Thank you all so very much for all the love and support. It means the world to me.

Love to all!

Monday we woke feeling better, I think we slept till about 9:00 or so. Mom and Dad were a bit concerned I think... but we just tried to catch up as much as we could. We had scheduled grooming for the dogs for that day (thinking that Lillie would have been here before then) and Tancy was going to take them and then get the trash to the dump. We decided to take a little ride after she got back home (this is all late afternoon) just to get out of the house a bit. I was pretty sore, but feeling good and thought getting out of the house (not at the hospital) was a good idea, for everyone. The day was uneventful really, it was a good day.

That night we went to bed and tried to settle in. During the last feeding of the day Lillie spit up and there was, what looked like, blood in it, some red, some brownish. I knew it hadn't come from her belly and my guts told me she was ok.... but those damn hormones kicked in and I was a mess. We called our pediatrician (who we had an appointment with for Wednesday) and got the doctor on call. Said it was probably nothing to be concerned about, just keep an eye on her and go ahead and bring her in on Tuesday morning. This brought me no comfort at all. She spit up milk twice and had three dirty diapers in a matter of an hour - hour and half. So my night was spent listening for her breathing, crying, spitting up, whatever noise she might make I listened for it. Waking her for feedings, struggling through those a bit and getting absolutely no sleep at all.

As soon as it was time we called the doctors office to get an appointment time to take her in. In the mean time Dad had decided to head home (2 days early) and that sent me spinning. I just fell apart. I begged him not to leave, I wasn't ready. I knew it would be hard when he left, but I had prepared myself for Thursday. After the night I'd just had, it was more than I could take. He agreed to leave on Wednesday instead. We got ready for the doctors appointment and had to make the decision for Mom and Dad to go with us or not. We decided not, for the simple fact that Tancy had physical therapy after Lillie's appointment and they would have been miserable waiting. They took a ride and we agreed to meet for lunch.

At the doctors appointment our pediatrician assured us that it was nothing to worry about, that was actually blood from my nipples, not from her. Just part of the nursing process (and someone couldn't have warned me this might happen?!) and nothing to be concerned about. He was patient with us and answered all of our questions, addressed all of our concerns. They weighed her, she'd lost 2 more ounces, this breaks my heart for some reason. But he assured me this was normal as well and she would pick back up. My milk was already coming in and that would change everything. They took blood to test her jaundice level and we were on our way. I fed her in the parking lot at the doctors office, she was so fussy and hungry. We went on to Tancy's physical therapy and I nursed her again once we got there. She was sacked out after all that and when Tancy was done we headed to meet Mom and Dad for lunch. We got home from lunch and I think, after nursing Lillie again we laid down for a nap. I can't remember to be honest. We decided to go out for dinner since it was Dad's last night here, we wanted to take him to this steak house we'd found that has awesome steaks. It was worth it!! By the time we got home we were all spent and headed to bed fairly early.

Wednesday morning Mom woke me to tell me Dad was coming in to say bye. That sucked. I understand why he does that... but it is really hard to feel like you don't really get to say bye. It's that half asleep "I love you" and then your eyes roll back in your head. So when you wake up you don't feel like you said it at all. But that's what he needs sometimes and I can understand doing what you need to do. Wednesday ended up being a full day. We went to Wal-Mart to get some things. Thought we'd have time to be home for a bit before hair cuts, but that didn't work out. We came home, Mom & Tancy slung the groceries in the house, put away the cold stuff and we were on our way again. I nursed Lillie while Tancy got her hair cut and eye brows waxed. Mom got a hair cut and by that time I was done nursing. I got my eye brows done and Tancy and Mom proceeded to make a mess changing Lillie's dirty diaper. It was funny. We soon were headed home. I was hurting and worn out. It was too late to nap at that point, but I did veg on the couch. We were in bed fairly early. Finding that having her down by 7:00 was working the best for all of us. She settled in easier and we ended up getting more sleep that way too. Up every 4 hours for feedings wasn't a bad deal either.

Thursday we'd planned to head out in search of nursing bras. I had bought some cheapies, not sure how well the nursing thing would go and not wanting to spend that money just in case. We found this great (all-be-it expensive) store called the Milky Way in Charlotte. I was able to find bras, both sleeping and regular, to give me proper support. We also got the Ergo carrier we wanted to get with the infant insert so we can use it sooner. Mom and Tancy could have gone wild in there, they picked up 2 hats while we were there as well. I also found some better cream for my poor, sore nipples. By the time we left there I felt like I was going to pass out from hurting so bad. Thankfully we headed home. We got the call that Lillie's jaundice level was good, but our pediatrician wanted to repeat on Friday, no appointment needed. I think I laid down and took a nap, I am really not certain at this point. I know I was hurting pretty badly. I had tried to get out of bed, I think Monday night, with Lillie in my arms because she was fussy and it felt like I pulled something. I know I shouldn't have done that... but when you have a crying child in your arms you are only thinking about soothing them. Thursday night strikes me as uneventful... I think she slept pretty well, we had her in bed early again and as I said, that makes all the difference in the world.

Friday morning we got up and got ready early. I had my check up with my OB to check my incision. I was going to talk to the lactation consultant there as well. Then we would be stopping at the pediatricians office for another jaundice test and weigh. Another busy day. I was hurting pretty badly, but managed to get ready and get there. I had lost 12 pounds since giving birth (not alot, but when you think about that meaning I was 12 pounds lighter than I was when I got pregnant that seems more significant). My blood pressure was good. My incision looked good as well. The pain was normal. Since I stopped taking anything other than Motrin and Tylenol since I got home from the hospital, I was just going to feel it more. I just can't take the percocet, it makes me too emotional, always has. We talked to the lactation consultant, she basically confirmed what we already knew. I was frustrated with her by the time we left. She was too hyper and didn't listen to what I needed to talk about at all. Oh well, I got to nurse Lillie while we were there, partially at least, and that was something.

We were off to the pediatrician. She gained 1.5 ounces, yay! That renewed my confidence in myself some. They took her blood and once again I nursed her in the car in the parking lot. Then we stopped to get lunch and headed home. We were expecting Sonia & Heather late afternoon. Then Mandy and Steve were coming and bringing dinner. Tylor and Val were coming as well. I was hurting, tired and feeling overwhelmed. I was also just taking into consideration that Tancy was returning to work in the morning and that hit like a ton of bricks. Then I thought about how late it would be before I got Lillie down and we were just establishing a routine. She doesn't do well up late right now. That will change, but she's just brand new. I wasn't able to take a nap, it was too late and people would be arriving soon. I kept on schedule with nursing and she nursed for more than an hour at 5:30 (normal routine then would be nap, wake at 6:30 for bath, nurse at 7:00 and down for 4 hours). I started getting chills, this isn't going to be good. I cried and basically had a melt down. I didn't want anyone to know. I felt embarassed and badly. I just wanted everyone to go home and for the house to be quiet so I could rest. I know that sounds terrible and I hope that anyone reading this takes everything into consideration. Again, it isn't because I don't appreciate everyone and love them and want to share this with them... but hormones, emotions, pain and exhaustion kicks in at the most inopportune times! Obviously I wasn't going to run everyone off, so I sat in Lillie's room, nursing her, and cried. Tancy came in the check on me, was very concerned for me and tried to buffer as best she could. When Lillie was done nursing, she helped me get to bed. I begged her to not let Lillie cry (although I don't like it when people will just hold a screaming kid and let them cry, this isn't the reason) because every time she cried my milk came in and I was miserable. We decided that I should pump and so she helped me with that. I had the shakes I was so cold. I pumped 4 ounces off of each breast (after more than an hour of nursing her)! Tancy was proud and impressed, I was just miserable. I asked her for an 8:30 curfew... she had to go to work in the morning and Lillie wasn't going to sleep at all. I knew this... I am not sure if she believed me or not.

Again, being the great friends and family they are, everyone picked up on how badly I felt and made their way home. Heather & Sonia came in to tell me bye first, I think they saw exactly how miserable I was (though I would have preferred for no one to see that). Lauren was next. Mandy was last, she put Lillie to sleep before leaving and came in to check on me. I just wanted Lillie in her pack 'n play and Tancy in bed with me so we could all rest. Mandy was gone before long and Tancy and Lillie came to bed. Lillie hardly slept. She was fussy when Tancy tried to put her down. I nursed her and it took forever to get her settled. When she woke for her next feeding we were up for more than 2.5 hours just trying to get her setttled.... I'm doing all this trying not to keep Tancy up mind you. At her second feeding we were up through time for Tancy to go to work. I nursed her as long as she wanted and then brought her to Mom. I went back to bed. Thankfully for another 4 hours.

Saturday I spent all day resting. I even took a nap after lunch. I didn't even get out of my pajamas all day. I did brush my teeth! I had managed a shower each day since I had been home and this was the first day I hadn't gotten dressed. It was also the first day I hadn't left the house or done anything other than nurse and take myself to the bathroom. Other than that, I did nothing. Mom went to get a few things after my nap and Lillie and I spent a little time alone together. That was nice, the first time I have had alone with her. Her belly button fell off and I was excited, this meant Tancy would be able to give her a bath! Her very first bath at home! Mom cooked dinner, Tancy got home and got a bath, we ate and then Lillie got her bath. I nursed her and then got my shower and we all went to bed. She slept soundly, I think she woke me up just before the clock to nurse. Took her a while to settle back down, longer than normal.

At her second feeding, 2:00, she didn't really settle back down. I got up and nursed her on the couch some more then handed her off to Mom and went back to bed after Tancy left and Lillie was full. I slept another 3.5 - 4 hours. I've managed to get dressed and brush my teeth today. LOL. I haven't done much else, blogged for nearly 3 hours at this point. I have a ton of pics, but those will have to wait. Lillie is waking and its time to feed her.

Love to all!

So the rest of the day (June 19th) of our baby's birth was quite full. My Dad got in from Louisiana around 12:30. Also anxious to see his new grandbaby. She looked so tiny in his arms. He was quiet and careful with her and I could tell that his heart was full. He had made a flying trip, I think in a little less than 11 hours he had made the usual 12 hour drive.

Before long people started showing up. I can't say who got there first, again, I was high as a kite for quite a while. I know that Sandy, Mandy, Amy, Jenn & Tab were all there. Mom and Dad left for the evening fairly early, Dad was exhausted from his trip. Aunt Jan called to check in, I remember talking to her and at some point just wanting to sleep. Sandy brought champagne and birthday cake, party hats and decorations. Lillie had her very first birthday cake (no she didn't get to eat any of it). Everyone tells you that you need to rest, sleep when the baby sleeps... but they don't tell you how to accomplish that with a room full of people waiting to see your precious new arrival. Now, don't get me wrong, I love all my family and friends and wouldn't have it any other way. I mean, honestly, I would be heart broken if no one came by or called... but it is exhausting and you get no rest. By 7:00 I had hit my wall and told our visitors that I really was worn out and as much as I loved them I needed them to leave us by 7:30 so we could all get some rest. My eyes had been rolling back in my head all day, I don't think I'd gotten even so much as a little nap. Not to mention coordinating keeping my ass covered, asking people to leave the room when I got checked out by the doctor or nurse... it's just all exhausting. Luckily, at that point, I hadn't had to get up to pee, so I didn't have that to contend with too. Very shortly after telling them I was tired they began to make their way to the door. I love them so for understanding and not taking offense. When everyone had cleared out it was time for the night nurse to come in, we decided to remove the catheter and get me up and moving. So much for the sleep I wanted so badly. It had been such a long day, starting at 5:00 (really we hadn't slept well since we got there on Wednesday) and full of drugs for me that I don't tolerate well... which means emotional and weepy and even bitchy (which I tried so desperately to control). It had been crimped, unbeknownst to me, earlier when the day shift nurse came in the "change me" (the pad they put down on the bed at least), so my output wasn't great and that explained the reason for the pain I was feeling. We got that lined out and once the output looked good the nurse removed the catheter completley. Now I had to measure my urine in a "hat" that sat in the toilet. Joy! They were pumping me full of IV fluids, as they had been the entire time. I had to get up and sit in the chair for a while also. I was miserable. I was hot beyond what I could get a handle on and exhausted from the day. I think it was around 10:00 or so before I could get back in the bed and try to rest. I wont say that we slept well, first night with a new baby in the hospital, being checked every couple of hours... but we did sleep some.

The next day was full of the same obstacle, visitors all day and sheer exhaustion. Again, you can't complain about people loving and caring about you enough (and your new baby... cause that's really what its about) to come see you, and that isn't at all what I am doing. I am simply discussing the challenges, for me, of the first days after Lillie was born. I hope that no one takes offense. If you've been there, you know already exactly what I mean to say and that it isn't a complaint as much as just how it is, we got through it. Anyway, Mom and Dad got there first, I think. We visited. I think they brought breakfast, but to be honest, we were so bleary eyed I don't think it registered to either one of us. Before long Mandy came by as well and so did Lauren. Angie and Crystal stopped by also. It wasn't long before I knew I needed a break, I guess it might have been lunch time or so. I told everyone that I really just needed to take a nap, I was so tired and just couldn't rest with a room full of people. I had to coordinate getting up to pee without showing my ass to everyone, I was bleeding and having to pee in a hat, which had to remain there till a nurse checked it. I was hot. I was trying to breast feed. I was also still getting checked by the nurses. It's hard to manage all those things, be in pain and try to maintain some modesty and privacy. There is no rest under those circumstances. Thankfully, once again, everyone was very understanding and started making their way out not long after me letting them know what I needed. Mom and Dad got lunch, ran to Wal-Mart and I think even came back to the house for a while. We managed a nap, it was wonderful! Just what I needed I know. Tancy needed it as well.

After our nap I had a small melt down. Overwhelmed by the activity, the pain, the checks, the fluid, the hot flashes, the breast feeding, the hormones that were newly raging, the emotions I couldn't explain, honestly, everything... that's the best way I know to describe it, everything. I upset Tancy before it was all said and done, which I didn't want or intend to do, I just needed to talk about what I was feeling, the things that were bothering me (irrational or rational they were my feelings) and try to decompress some. It seemed like she and I hadn't had much time alone with our new baby at all and I just needed that time, to talk, to cry, to laugh, to count her fingers and toes... I had scarcely been able to hold her for more than feeding her and hadn't even had the chance to check her out good. This thought made me sad. I wasn't able to get up to change her diaper, I wasn't able to get up to watch them give her her first bath the night before. I wasn't resting and I was just raw. After talking I felt some better and some worse, concerned that I had hurt Tancy's feelings and upset her. She's my confidant though, I talk to her about everything. There's no one I'd rather talk to about anything than her... this is our struggle sometimes.

Sonia and Heather came by for a quick visit. We were glad to see them and happy that they understood how tired we were. Mom and Dad came back as well. I knew they wanted to and we were up and feeling a bit better, so when Dad called I encouraged them to come back if they wanted. Gary, Mark and Curtis came by while Mom and Dad were there. They stayed about 15 minutes maybe, just long enough to check in on us and see Lillie. Not long after they left Mom and Dad left. We settled in for what would be a LONG night. Lillie decided that she needed to nurse in 30 minute incriments, 30 minutes of nursing, 30 minutes of sleep, repeat. It was absolutely exhausting. The only way I got any sleep was to let her sleep on my chest. This allowed Tancy to get some rest because she didn't have to get up each time and put her back in the bassinet. I barely slept during those 30 minutes worried she'd stop breathing or I'd move my arms and she'd roll off. Then there were the checks from the nurse during the night as well. My nipples were raw and I was absolutely spent.

When morning came around I was hopeful that we would be discharged earlier. We'd seen the doctor (the one we really don't like at all) the day before and he was pleased with my progress. We'd seen the pediatrician on call and he was pleased with Lillie. We didn't think there would be any problems, just a matter of time. The pediatrician came in fairly early, Lillie got the all clear! My doctor was in the hospital, but who knew when we would see him... Luckily we'd made such good friends with the nurses (who didn't like him either) that I think they swayed him in our direction earlier rather than later. We were out of there before noon. Lillie slept on the way home, but not before a small fit. Mom and Dad picked up lunch and we ate once we got home. Soon after I nursed Lillie and then Tancy and I both layed down to take a nap while Mom & Dad kept an eye on the little one. I think we slept 2 hours. We were both absolutely exhausted (which by the way isn't really a good enough word to describe exactly how you feel at any given point). After our nap we felt some better and ready to keep at it. Lillie had been nursing fairly well and the evening was, thankfully, very quiet. Before long it was bedtime. I had to wake Lillie every 2 - 3 hours to feed her, but couldn't complain. She slept well. It was just what we needed to renew us, a night with us having to wake her instead of the other way around.

**The much awaited post. Please pardon the length and possible mis-spelling of some medical terms.**

As you all know we were scheduled for induction on the morning of June 18th. We were to arrive at the hospital at 4:00 on the evening of the 17th. We left the house, ran an errand, got a bite to eat and were are the hospital for about 4:15. By 5:00 they got us through admission and we were in our room. We brought pastries with us to sweet talk our nurses, I know they all do a great job (and boy did they) but a little bit of sweetness never hurt anyone. Besides, it's only right to take care of those taking care of you if and when you can. I can honestly say it paid off first shift!! By 6:00 I had my IV of fluids starting and the midwife with our group had come in to place the Cervadil (looks alot like a flat plastic tampon, they place is right on your cervix to help soften your cervix for dilation). That was an uncomfortable process (the placement of the cervadil) since Lillie was still so high. But we got through it and were on our way. They got me hooked up to the monitors (fetal heart beat and contraction) and I was bed ridden for 2 hours to let the cervadil start to work. After the 2 hours was up I was allowed to have potty breaks, having to unhook from the monitors each time, and I was having contractions. We were hopeful. Her heart beat was good and strong so everyone was happy. Mom stayed till about 8:00 and once she left we settled in, as best we could with all the poking, proding, monitoring, etc. for the night. Thankfully they gave me ambien to sleep and I did manage to get some rest.

At 5:00 on Thursday morning our midwife came in again to check my cervix. No change. Yes I'd been having contractions, but they weren't productive enough to move her down and get the cervix dilating. My cervix was soft, but that was all that could be said. Pitocin was started and again, we were hopeful. Lillie's heart rate still looked good and strong, I was still having contractions which did increase with the pitocin, certainly by 9:00 (when the our doctor got there to check me) we would have progress. Mom arrived at about 7:30 with a fresh batch of doughnuts for our nurses, we aren't too proud to bribe people! Haha. Our nurses were not only fabulous but went to such lengths to hand pick our nurses at each shift change to ensure we got great care on each shift. When our physician got there at 9:00 and checked me she was still in virtually the same place she was upon admission the evening before. They'd been cranking the pitocin up every 30 minutes and we were about half way to my limit. She'd come back and check me at noon. Noon, no change. She said my cervix was very soft, so soft you could hardly tell that's what it was... but no dilation, no change, she was still very high. Each "check" was so uncomfortable because my cervix was still so high, it was worse than anything else at that point. She'd be back at 5:00ish after office hours. 5:00 still no change. Shit! Are you kidding me?! I'd been having contractions every 2 - 5 minutes all day long, nothing extreme, I can't say that they were more than very uncomfortable... they didn't last longer than I could stand, but they were there. I'd been in bed, on clear liquids all day barely even able to get up to go to the bathroom because I was hooked to so much stuff. The bed sucked, my back hurt (I couldn't tell if it was from the bed or the contractions) and I just wanted to get up and move around. We talked about our options. The first was to keep on the path we were on, back off the pitocin a bit and see if that helped (I was at max dose). The second was to stop the pitocin, allow me to move around, get a bite to eat and then start a drug called Sitotech (spelling??) its basically a tiny little pill that is placed directly on your cervix, again to help soften and dilate, it is much stronger than cervadil (dynamite in a pill) and has been used without pitocin very effectively to get labor going. Then, if there was change, start the pitocin again the morning. The last option was to go in for a c-section then. I personally needed a break. I needed to move around and eat, I needed to get out of that bed, walk, go to the bathroom without dragging all the monitors with me. I wasn't ready to sign up for a c-section at that point, so we went with door number 2, sitotech. She took me off of all the monitors, stopped the IV and I got up and walked, had dinner and a bath. I was still contracting and still hopeful that just a break and moving around would encourage our little one to come on down! Mandy came up to the hospital to visit a bit. We all sat around, I had dinner though right now I swear I can't remember what I ate. Mom went home around 7:00 I guess, the puppies needed to be fed and they had been outside all day. Mandy was going to stick around till the doctor got there, but she wasn't coming till 9:00 - 10:00 to place the new med. It was already 8:00 and I could see Mandy winding down. So she headed home. Around 9:30 our doctor came in and placed the pill, she'd be in every 4 hours to place another and check things out. Upon placement, no change, go figure. I was a bit emotional and really feeling discouraged... but trying to remain positive and hopeful for the labor that I wanted to happen. I'd had no pain meds at all at this point, didn't see any real reason. I suppose I could have justified it, there were points where I was ready for something to give me some relief, but I pushed through. I was exhausted. Luckily they gave me something to sleep and sleep I did, a bad sign that nothing was happening.

I got checked again around 1:00 AM, no change, more sitotech. I got checked again at 5:00, no change. Ok, let's talk. Here are the options: Keep on this path, sitotech and add pitocin, see where that takes us. Or, c-section. We knew the pitocin would start contractions (which had apparently tappered off through the night since I slept so well our doctor had to wake me just to check me and administer more meds), but the problem was the baby moving down. She felt certain that the baby just wasn't coming down on her own. Wasn't sure if it was a size thing or position thing. We talked about my concerns about electing for a c-section. She said she thought no matter how much longer we kept trying I would end up with one. So why continue to torture myself? After discussing it all we all (Tancy, Me and our doctor) decided that the c-section was the best thing to do, and quite frankly inevitable. By 5:30 they had me back in the OR. Tancy barely had time to call Mom to let her know. Neither of us had time to even brush our teeth! LOL. Which for some reason concerned me greatly at the time.

 Here I am, they had already started, Tancy had just gotten back. I was happy to know that our baby would be here soon. Surprisingly enough I wasn't scared at all. The anestesiologist did a great job with the spinal block, I barely felt it. Honestly, the IV hurt worse than the block! Everyone that took care of us was so fantastic, we could not have asked for better care.

 Tancy, excited and proud. This was the only picture they would let her take that wasn't of me or the baby (once she was fully removed from my belly and under the warmer... liability issues I suppose).

I felt some pressure, nothing major. More than anything I felt a little stuffy, like hay fever or something. It seemed to be over pretty quickly. The only thing that took forever was sewing me up once she was out. I got to see her just for a second before they took her off, then it seemed like forever since I saw her again. Luckily Tancy was with her, and I could hear her cry when they checked her out, so I didn't worry about it too much. I was just excited to see her and hold her for the first time.

Welcome to the world Lillie Tru, born June 19th at 6:54 AM, weighing 7.1 ounces (according to her birth certificate, though Tancy swears she was 7 pounds even) measuring 20 1/4" long. She wasn't the big baby we were expecting... and she was cocked in such a way (not exactly breech) that she just wasn't coming down on her own. She has a full head of soft, fine, dark brown hair and steel blue eyes. She has long fingers and long toes and big feet! I love those feet. She is absolutely perfect and beautiful.

As soon as they would let me I held her and started to nurse, she took to it right away, like a champ. I could not have been happier!! I had to stay in recovery for a while before they would take me back to my room, which had moved to a c-section room (a room with a shower only instead of a tub/shower combo) instead of the room we were in before. Our favorite nurse came in and checked on us in recovery and would stick with us until she picked up another labor and delivery patient... then she would have to give us over to a mother/baby nurse.

Once we got back to the room Mom was there, she'd been there since I was in the OR, the nurses had told me she was waiting anxiously in the hall, the showed her to the room because they didn't think it was right for her to be in the hallway (I told you they took good care of us, they wanted her to be more comfortable). She couldn't wait to see her new grandbaby. I was still high as a kite! I couldn't feel my legs at all. That was an odd thing. I had a catheter in, but happily couldn't feel it either. Our doctor came in and checked on us, she was off call (technically she had been somewhere during the c-section, but we didn't want the doctor with our group on call doing anything... so she stayed and took care of us), what a great doctor! We love her!! She gave me the run down of what was going to happen, the c-section had gone well, nothing remarkable and we were all right, she wasn't coming out vaginally, the section was the right choice, and not made too hastily either. She told me the catheter could come out that evening, although she would leave it in through the night so I could get some rest. I would have to get up and get moving around in the evening, at least from the bed to the chair. And by morning I would have to be up and walking around, at least the room. Our least favorite doctor would check in on me later... ugh... well, at least he didn't deliver the baby! Everything was good!

Good morning all. It is Wednesday morning at 7:30 AM.

Mom got here early Monday morning (9:00), an hour and a half earlier than planned. So that was incredibly exciting!! I picked her up at the airport and our day together started. We had breakfast at Panera Bread first, then to AT&T to look at a few things and then on to Wal-Mart to get some necessary items. From there we headed home and just relaxed a minute. We were both tired and giddy and just enjoying each other. Tancy had gone to pick her Mom up and run some errands... I don't even know what all they did!! Once they got home we all had some time together. I was really glad for Mom and Ms. Sue to have some time to get to know each other. The other times they have been around each other there has been so much going on that I don't think they got any time together. We cooked and talked and laughed. It was a wonderful evening. Mandy got here after work, we ate together at the table and then all cleaned the kitchen together. We sat and talked and again, just enjoyed all being together. Mandy and Ms. Sue headed home around 8:30 or 9:00 I guess and the three of us left here headed to bed very shortly there after.

Tuesday morning we started fairly early. I was up at 6:15, I think Mom was either already up or just starting to stir. I made coffee, Mom fed the dogs. We just sat and had coffee together. Tancy was up before long. We all took our time waking up and before long it was time for me to get in the shower and start getting ready for the doctors appointment ahead. Sometime between my getting in the shower and putting on clothes Ms. Sue got here, stopped by on her way home. So we spent some time together before she had to leave and wished like hell she would decide to stay. Once we got her on the road we all got moving, getting ready to leave. We got to the doctors office early and had to wait to go back... they've either gotten busier lately or gotten bad about not moving people through or something. Anyway, Mom waited in the waiting room... I was going to have an exam and just didn't want to coordinate all of that. So we go back finally. I gained 2 pounds since Thursday, I think alot had to be fluid because my hands and feet were terribly swollen almost immediately yesterday morning. Not sure to be honest. Anyway, my blood pressure was 116/72. Got the exam, wow! Not like the rest, I will tell you that. I don't know what she did differently... but it was certainly different than the exams prior. She said my cervix was softer and I had about a finger tip dilation, but no significant changes. So, induction it was going to be. We went over everything, all the questions we had, what would happen, etc. So I'll give you the run down about what is going to happen.

We will go to the hospital around 4:00 today to be admitted by 4:30. They'll get all my paperwork and orders together and us into a room and then I'll get a medicine called Cervadil placed on my cervix. Cervadil is used to soften the cervix before the use of medicines to dilate the cervix. Softening has to be happen before dilation will. So the cervadil will stay in place for about 12 hours. They will remove it Thursday morning around 5:00. I will be able to go to the bathroom and such, but for the most part I will be in the bed once the medicine is in place, they want it to stay right where they put it.
Thursday morning around 5:00 they will come in and remove the cervadil. They will give me about an hour or so to get a shower or move around a bit if I so chose and then they will start the pitocin. Pitocin is a synthetic version of the chemical that your body naturally produces that causes contractions and thus dilation. I don't know how long I will receive pitocin. I do know that our doctor said that she will do everything she can to get the baby here quickly, that's her job. So she will be fairly aggressive. That means she will probably break my water earlier than they might consider it if I were laboring naturally. It also means I will get an epidural earlier to help manage the discomfort of an aggressive process. She will use the pitocin to move labor along quickly by controlling the dose. She said that if I am not progressing as she would like a C-section is possible. I do not know that there is a time frame where she will decide that this is the best course, only that she will if it is necessary. We hope it isn't necessary.
So that is what's going to happen.

After the doctors appointment we went to Cracker Barrel and had lunch while I sent out the word to everyone I had a cell phone for that I thought might want to know. We left from there and went to Books-A-Million and picked up some books for the hospital. Then home. We rested for just a bit. Then off to Tancy's physical therapy. We dropped her off and headed to Wal-Mart for milk, biscuits and yogurt. Then back to pick Tancy up. We were planning on dinner out and a movie... so when we got home I set about looking for show times and locations... my movie isn't playing anywhere in NC. Bummer! So we decide to go to dinner and then see how things go. We had Red Lobster for dinner. Yummy!! Hit the spot. We laughed and cut up and just had a good time.

At the movie theater we looked at movies coming on and show times. We decided to watch "My Life In Ruins". I have to say that it was cute, but I wasn't overly impressed. There were other movies we could have watched, but I needed something light and funny. It was light and even funny in places, but probably not the best movie we could have seen. Oh well. We were the only three in the theater!! So we talked, cut up, threw pop corn, and just behaved... well... like we might have if we hadn't been the only ones there. LOL. Just kidding. We acted like we owned the place. It was fun all in all and a great distraction for me.

We got home and talked to Aunt Jan on the phone for a bit, she wanted to know what the process was going to be like once I get to the hospital. We had great laughs and conversation. I think we all wish she were able to be here. She's with us, even if she can't physically be here. After we talked to her we all went to bed. My belly and back were so sore. I was happy to lay down and get comfy in bed. Aunt Jan joked that Lillie would come on Wednesday on her own since induction was scheduled now. This thought tickled her, I think the idea of an ornery kid makes her happy. Anyway, Tancy watched TV for a bit, but I laid there and did my best to sleep, which came pretty quickly. I woke up twice in the night for potty runs but otherwise slept pretty good.

At 7:15 the dogs were so restless and moving around that it was impossible for me to sleep any more. Once I was up I felt like I couldn't sit still. So I made coffee, fed the puppies, unloaded the dishwasher and reloaded it after putting away all the dishes. In just a bit I'll make chocolate chip cookie dough so that we can have home made cookies when Dad gets here (as I promised him). I also want to move some stuff in our hospital bag so that the chargers and such are in with the books and not with our clothes. I want to double check that I have what I need to take for us and for Lillie. Just a last run through of what we have vs. what we need. I also need to strip the bed and put clean sheets on it. Mom will be home taking care of the puppies and fish for us while we are at the hospital. But we have a few things around the house that we want to get done before we actually leave for the hospital. I don't want Mom feeling like she's got to clean the house or anything like that.

So that's all I've got for today. Pops will be here Friday. Hopefully we will be on our way home from the hospital around that time too. It'll just depend on when Ms. Lillie turns loose and comes out and how that happens. I doubt I'll be posting much before the end of the weekend... I am not taking the computer with me. We will, however, both have our cell phones and I'll post updates on facebook as I care to (assuming we have a signal in the room). I expect that there wont be much to report until tomorrow afternoon sometime.

Sending all my love out to all of you this morning. Thank you all for the well wishes and love sent yesterday when I sent out the text updating everyone. It is greatly appreciated and felt. I hope you are all having a great week.

And, very important, before I forget.... Happy 1st Birthday Marlie!!!

Love to all!

Good morning all, I hope this finds everyone doing well. It's Friday, that usually cheers everyone up a bit.

So yesterday was a tough day for me. I already posted my blog trying to find a release and figure some things out for myself. Also, because ya'll know I can't tell a lie, when I was asked I told the truth about how I was and received a ton of love and support from family and friends and my facebook peeps. I greatly appreciate that and believe that all that positive energy and love helped to make a difference.

After I blogged I just worked on calming myself, listening to my inner voice and keeping my headache under control. I was in bed around 8:30. It felt good just to lay in bed, get comfortable and do nothing. There wasn't anything on TV so it was really easy to zone out. I don't think I was asleep before 11:00 - 11:30 but when I went to sleep it was sound. I think I woke up twice in the nice, 1:15 and 4:00. I couldn't tell ya why or how, but I know with absolute certainty that when I woke up at 4:00 I felt like a different woman. I didn't have the anxious feeling, I didn't feel all twisted and pent up. I didn't feel any dread or apprehension. I just felt calm. This all made me smile and I climbed back in bed and slept some more.

When Tancy got home I told her that I felt much better. We talked for a bit. I wasn't sure if I would be able to go back to sleep or not... it just works that way sometimes. I encouraged her to go to sleep, she's got to be up by 10:00 so that's not alot of time to rest! I laid there with her and held her hand or put my fingers in her hair. I just enjoyed that she was in bed with me. I slept lightly, but it was the sweetest sleep I've had in a while. That's the only word I know to use, sweet. It wasn't that deep, sound sleep. It wasn't hard sleep. It wasn't fitful sleep. It was sweet... make any sense?

So I've been up about 20 minutes and I can tell you, at this moment and hopefully going forward from here, my bubble is on center again. I have regained my perspective. She will be here. She's healthy and doing well. I am not in any pain or at any risk. She isn't in any danger either. That is so much to be thankful for! I know that there are people who would give anything to be where I am at right now in a pregnancy. I have no concerns and no reason to be stressed. Now, there's no accounting for hormones and the ways they can screw with you. But at this point my mind is right where it should be.

Today will be a full day. At 10:00 I need to get Tancy up. We'll get ready and head out to her physical therapy appointment at 11:00. At 1:00 we will be at the doctors office for some blood work and a general "check up". Then we need to run a quick errand or two before heading over to Mandy's for what will essentially be three birthday parties: Ms. Sue (16th), Tylor (15th) and Zack (11th). We will no doubt be over there a while. Maybe I can even get a walk in while we are there. The walking really does feel good to me... it's just hard to do by myself and for long (my hands just swell so painfully). Not to mention the road there is much flatter than it is here, we've got a hell of a hill right at the base of the driveway... takes my breath right off the bat. So, full day? Yup. But it will be a good one when it is all said and done. I am happy to spend some time with family. And I am elated to have Tancy home. I wont say that having her home doesn't play into my better view of things. She's always a part of the solution, whatever the problem is.

Saturday will be another busy day. Lauren's graduation is at 9:00, that's right, in the freakin' morning!! I cannot believe that. I mean, honestly, most of those kids are still gonna be buzzin' from all the partying you do around graduation. You couldn't wait till 11:00?! If it's raining there will only be 4 seats, so we will just have to wait and see if we can go or not. But after graduation is the graduation party at Mandy's. So we will be over there fairly early either way. I imagine we wont leave from there till I am just done in. Lauren will leave around 6:00 to go to the beach (a topic of some controversy I must say), so we wont be leaving before then.

Sunday, to my knowledge, there isn't anything planned... but that just means we will spend some time with Tancy's Mom and Zack. Whether we are at Mandy's or come up with something else. Either way, it is certain to be another day of activity. I can't imagine a day, from this point forward, sitting home with nothing doing like I have all week. That's good though... I just can't do that at this point. I told ya'll I couldn't sit still.... see what happened when I did?! LOL.

Mom will be here Monday. I am so looking forward to that. They are in Georgia right now to celebrate Marlie's 1st birthday (17th). I wish I was there. If I didn't think it was just a really dumb thing to do, traveling 6.5 hours away from home 39+ weeks pregnant I'd be on my way. I miss them all. I miss Marlie. I would love to be there to celebrate with all of them. But, that would be insanity, so I wont do it. I'll just have to be thankful, and I am, that Mom will be here on Monday. Dad will be here on Friday (the 19th). So, like I said, I wont have a problem keeping busy and occupied between now and when ever Lillie decides to come. I've gotten closer to making my peace with saying how ever she gets here as well. Ultimately all that really matters is that she's healthy and we both do well during and after labor. If I have to be induced it is because that is what our doctor feels is the best thing for the both of us. We like her because she's a good doctor... and even if it isn't my ideal circumstance, I have to trust her decision on that... and I do. So. Working on making my peace fully on that. I am closer than I was.

Well kids. I think that's all I got. You already knew our schedule for the next few days. But I thought I'd use it to illustrate how much better my perspective is this morning. I love you all for being so supportive and loving. I don't know what I would do without each and every one of you. I hope you all have a great weekend. I intend to.

Love to all!