September 10, 2009

  • Its been a while

    Wow, I don't even know how long it has been since I posted last. I suppose I could have looked, but it doesn't matter really.

    Seems like so much has happened in the last few months. I guess having a baby will do that to you. Then we went on vacation to the beach with the Dean/Fischer family. That was a learning experience for me... by that I mean I have to work hard at what seems to be a growing number of things...but we had a good time all in all.

    We made a flying trip to Ohio to bring Scout to Zach. We felt like we weren't giving the dogs the attention that they were accustomed to and needed. Zach really wanted a puppy and Jessi and Joe's criteria was that it had to be trained, so Scout was perfect. That was so hard. I cannot tell you how much I cried, how many times we went back and forth about it and how close I was to changing my mind entirely. But it has worked out great. Hemmi is happy, Scout is getting a ton of love and attention, not to mention new activities. I still miss her, but it was the right decision.

    Lillie and I just got back from our trip to Louisiana. It was wonderful. I was so happy for Maw-Maw to see Lillie and them to get some time together. I was additionally happy for the rest of the family to meet her and get some time. The time we were there went by so fast. It was great and difficult all at the same time, it's hard to be away from Tancy and our home for that long. Plus its just a new phase in our life... one more thing to learn our way around... shift work, travel, a baby and the list goes on. Lillie traveled like a champ. She slept the entire time on the flight there and the flight back. She did well with all the attention and activity as well. Saturday, when the whole family was at Mom and Dad's house was a bit tough for her after a while. Sunday I believe her tummy was bothering her so we had a rough spot or two that day as well. I am telling you, nothing is the same once you have a baby and its turned upside down when you travel with a baby. But I wouldn't have it any other way! Boy was it hard to leave there. It was so nice to spend time with my family and see them every day.

    Tancy is currently in the middle of an outage. She started nights after we got back from vacation and will be on nights until the middle of October. It sucks. It is like being on my own (except financially, lol) and that's tough with a little one. Of course I know there are single Mom's that do that every day plus the financial aspect. I am fortunate, I know, I get to stay home with our baby and take care of her and our home. I don't have the additional pressure of having to work as well. But man, some days are hard. It's lonely and too quiet, it's stressful and although sometimes I think about or want to go do something to get out of the house, I can get overwhelmed with the process and decide against it. I'm quiet during the day because Tancy's sleeping, I work twice as hard to keep Lillie happy because Tancy's asleep. At night, I am quiet because Lillie is sleeping. I want to get things done, but I am so tired that it just doesn't always happen. I try to get in bed and to sleep as quickly after Lillie is asleep as I can, but that doesn't usually work out. I can feel like all there is to do is just piling up and I'll never get it all done. That is an additional adjustment for me, not being able to just tear through the house and get done what I need/want to get done.
    With feedings, pumping, bottles, diapers, play time, getting ready (her... and me as soon as I can) and trying to eat, pay bills, balance the check book, cook, clean up, laundry, taking care of Hemmi and the 9 million other things I have to do I just get done what I can. The house really needs a good scrubbing, but I can't get it done here by myself. I just want to knock that pile down to something manageable and see if I can keep it up from there. I guess this is the desire of most any Mom who can't find enough hours in the day.

    So yesterday Lillie rolled over for the first time, she did it twice in a row! We were amazed and so proud! I think she'll crawl before too long, she's got her legs going and pushing with them, she's just gotta get her arms going with her legs and she'll be off and running! We are going to have to get an area rug for the living room. She's smiling, she'll give a half laugh, but nothing like a real giggle or full laugh yet. She's so expressive and she "talks" all the time. I swear if she isn't talking in the next few months I'll be surprised. I'll say "I love you" and she'll mutter something that sounds like she's trying to say it back. I am sure people will think I'm crazy, there's no way she's trying to talk... whatever... I am telling you the kid is trying as hard as she can. If you ask a question, she will respond. She doesn't just start out crying, she starts out "fussin", sounds like she's complaining, lol, in her own little language. We'll see I guess. I can't wait though! She's getting so big, she's 24" long and currently weighs 12 pounds 4 ounces. Just two weeks ago she was 23" and 10 pounds 15 ounces!
    I am still pumping, I pump a little better than an ounce for each hour. But if I wait longer than about 5 hours to pump that amount decreases. Optimum pump time would be every 2 - 4 hours. Any less and its not worth the trouble. Any more and its not as productive. I had to buy a new pump since I exclusively pump. I killed two pumps! LOL. When we aren't traveling or out and about I make enough for her to have only breast milk, I don't have to supplement with formula. But if we travel or are out running around its hard to coordinate bringing a breast milk bottle and heating it, as well as a place to pump. So we usually bring a formula bottle with us to give her if she's hungry while we are out. I don't like giving her formula simply because I can tell that it bothers her stomach, she spits up more from it and ends up with gas (she typically wont have gas from breast milk unless I have eaten something that gives me gas, which isn't often) that hurts her belly. So if I can avoid giving her a formula bottle, I do.

    Finances are tighter right now than I would like them to be. But we've had several expenses lately, vacation and the breast pump... both big ticket things. The outage overtime should help with that. I am already thinking about Christmas and the cost coming with that. Not to mention the trip to Ohio for Jessi's wedding and the trip to Louisiana at the end of October for our "Christmas" trip. It'll all work out, it always does. I just hate thinking about, worrying about, money. If you have it you worry about it and if you don't you worry about it... but I'd sure rather the worry from having it! LOL.

    I've got a list a mile long of things to do/get, if possible, with some of the over time money. I also have a list a mile long of things I need/want to get done around the house. We've got things stretched pretty thin lately, with activities, travel, household stuff and holidays. But this is really nothing new for us as most of you know. Plus we will soon be planning our next baby! Whew! Haha. One thing is for sure, we don't do anything half ass!!

    Today was a bit of a tough day with Lillie, she spit up alot, both in volume and frequency. I, of course, worry about that. It isn't her typical to spit up alot. She did tummy time twice today and rolled over again. She has been doing better... but the pallet we have been making for her isn't going to be big enough for much longer. She really likes to be laid down and talked to. She's not really big on being held alot. But she LOVES to be talked to. I talk to her all day long... I know... that's hard to believe. Sometimes she will fuss if you aren't talking to her. She loves her changing table. Strange I know. But if she's fussing, you can (usually) lay her on it and talk to her and she will smile and start talking back. She also really loves being outside, unless its hot... she is a hot natured baby (got that from her Momma, poor thing). She tries to hold her bottle, she can manage it for a bit until her hands get going. The last two nights she has slept all night long. 10 1/2 hours night before last and 10 hours last night. See, if I could sleep I could be well rested. But not only do I have trouble falling asleep alot of times, even when I do go to sleep, I've got to get up to pump. So it'll be a while before I can take advantage of the 10 hours of sleep. But that's ok. I am doing my best to do what is best for her.

    I don't know how many of you knew that I had been having trouble with my wrist since she was born. I think it started with the IV that they put in for induction. Tendonitis, I got a cortisone shot. It's been feeling better, the anti-inflammatory helps also. I am suppose to be keeping it immobile, but that seems near impossible with a 3 month old. I am trying to take the anti-inflammatory on a schedule. I have to go back in a month to let the doc take a look at it again.

    I can't think of anything else. I have just felt out of sorts today. I have been home sick since I got back from Louisiana. That isn't a common feeling for me. I miss my family, don't get me wrong, but I don't often have that feeling of wanting to be back in Louisiana, to live there. Tancy and I have had conversations about our respective homes and how much easier it would be to live near family (our parents, etc.). But neither of us can be any further away from our families than we already are. I'm 12 hours from mine and she's 6.5 hours from hers. It isn't exactly middle, but it is where we are and I can't see any way that it would be different (although Tancy would move to the coast, correction, the Keys, in a heart beat!). But as of today, I think alot about living back in Louisiana. Which is surprising because I never thought I would ever want to live in Louisiana again. Just another fine example of how a baby changes everything. I'd love for Lillie to have time with Maw-Maw on a regular basis. I would love to be able to hang out with my cousins and their kids. I'd love (though it would require a move on her part) for Lillie and Marlie to grow up together. But I made the choice to leave home and there's really no way to make it different at this point in time. I like it here, don't get me wrong. But I think it is harder to be away from family. We have our friends and they are our chosen family... and they are great. But there's something about  being able to call your Mom up and have coffee together in the morning. Or go hang out with Maw-Maw and listen to her stories (even though you've heard them a million times). Or having Dad nearby when I am home alone at night, should I need him. To not feel so isolated when Tancy is working her crazy outage schedule, or working the weekend on nights. Yes, I knew all these things before, but the emotion attached to it all now is different. I guess I just needed to have an outlet for those feelings.

    It feels good to write again. I haven't felt like it in a while. I haven't been depressed, but I have been struggling lately with changes I feel like I need to make as well as reconciling some of my feelings about one thing and another. I just couldn't sort it all out in my head. And that, for me, is so very difficult. I usually just get it out there and then work it out through that process. Alot of times its feelings that involve others and I just can't post about those things. That wouldn't be right. So I can feel kinda stuck, without an outlet. My biggest struggle right now is Tancy being in this outage. I hardly see her. I do feel isolated right now. Some of that, I suppose, is my own doing. I don't make alot of efforts to get out there and do things with others. It's hard for me, feed Lillie, pump, do bottles, get us both ready, get everything together and head out the door... then be back in no more than 6 hours from the time I started to pump so that I can pump again. It's hard to make myself do. Plus I can withdraw from everyone when I feel stressed or emotional because I don't want others to see it, I don't want to share that part of me with everyone. I also don't want to be a bitch to others, so if I feel rigid, I stay home. If I stay at home, I can at least manage what I have to do and I can interact with Lillie in a positive way. But soon I am going to have to get over myself. Lillie needs interaction with more than just me, and I want her to have that. But my other issue is wanting certain things on my terms, or the way I want it... and that just isn't the way it works. Ugh...... so complicated.

    Well, I think I have bounced all over the place enough tonight. It feels like now that the door is open again there's just so much coming through and I need to channel it a little better. But that's how it works, it's a jumbled mess when I start again after a long time away. I don't know if I will be able to blog often from here on out, but I hope to blog more often than I have been. Maybe, if nothing else, it will help me to sleep better at night... less bouncing around in my head.

    I hope that everyone is doing well.

    Love to all!