July 2, 2009

• Go ahead, have a plan... and get ready for roller coaster ride!

  Well, alot has happened since I blogged last. Sunday was a day full of frustration. Lillie got more fussy as the day went on, having more trouble latching, but eventually getting there. Outside of that, it was a good day. I felt better physically and that was a big plus in my book. I felt like I was catching up on my sleep a bit too. Sunday night though, everything changed. At her 7:00 feeding she was fussier but did manage to latch and went soundly to sleep. At 11:00 we woke up to feed her, she wouldn't nurse at all, she got so upset that once I stopped trying she immediately went to sleep. I didn't force her to wake up, it was just too emotionally draining on both myself and Tancy, and I just couldn't bare feeling like I was causing her to cry.

  At 2:00 it was worse yet. This time I pumped and Tancy gave her a bottle of the breast milk I had pumped on Friday. This was after an hour of trying to nurse her. I was reduced to tears and just couldn't keep doing it at that point. She took the bottle without any fuss and then went soundly to sleep. At the next feeding it was more of the same and before it was all said and done we ended up giving her the bottle of breast milk I had pumped previously and I pumped again. After a couple of turns like this we started making phone calls, our doctor, lactation consultants at the hospital and the La Leche League. We got in touch with our doctor who said that we should call a lactation consultant. We couldn't get in touch with one of them, but we did get someone with the local La Leche League... after talking to the lady she decided to come to the house to help us. She was here in a half an hour. We worked for an hour together trying to get her to latch, no luck. She felt certain that we had thrush (I had asked Tancy about Lillie having thrush on Saturday, but since she showed none of the signs, we brushed it off.)
  **New or expecting mothers read this part carefully**
  Turns out if mom has a yeast infection (which I got from the IV antibiotics) and is treated for it (I took Diflucan on Saturday) baby should be treated as well. If not, baby gets moms yeast and this can affect (though obviously not always) nursing... their little mouth is raw and it hurts them. Nipples from bottles are easier for them. Which is why Lillie would take the bottle, but wouldn't latch. It's also why she started "bitting" me. She hurt.
  So we get back on the phone with our pediatrician and tell them we think she's got thrush, the pediatrician is gone for the day (or we probably wouldn't gotten the prescription that day to treat her) so we made an appointment for first thing the next morning. We decided to keep trying to nurse, using the methods that the lady from the La Leche League had shown us and just see how it might go. It got progressively worse. I was pumping every 2 hours just to keep up with her, scared to death that we wouldn't have enough milk to satisfy her. I was a mess.

  Tuesday morning I was a complete wreck. Up every 2 hours (that's 2 hours from the moment I started pumping, not from the time I stopped pumping) to pump while Tancy made a bottle for Lillie. Feeling rejected and heart broken, she'd latch on to anything but me. She'd root and give all the que's like she would nurse, but then she would refuse the breast. Again, I took this very personally. The lack of sleep wasn't helping and neither was having to hook up to the aparatus every two hours and only producing a total of an ounce. Every where I turned I felt like I was running into walls. We got to the doctor and she'd gained some weight, I think 2.5 ounces since we had her weighed on Friday, not as much as I had hoped, I chalked it up to the fact that she'd not been nursing well. Once I told our pediatrician that I'd had a yeast infection and taken Diflucan he didn't need to hear any more... he knew she had thrush, even without all the signs (which she didn't have). He also felt certain I had mastitis. So, antibiotic for me for the mastitis and another course of diflucan to counter me taking yet another antibiotic. Nystatin for Lillie's thrush (a drop on my breast before offering it to her to nurse and then a drop in each cheek after nursing... or bottle feeding). He wanted us to supplement formula through the night where necessary (and it was necessary, I couldn't pump enough for her). Home we went, me in tears and yet also relieved to know our doctor would listen to us and we had the treatment we needed. I was hopeful that with the medicine she'd be nursing again in 24 hours. He didn't want me pumping until that evening, that way my milk would be right there for her, she wouldn't have to work too hard, since she was now accustomed to the bottle offering it up immediately. And we would return Wednesday morning to see how the 24 hour period had gone.
  The rest of the day was grueling. We had to work to get her woken up, medicine on the nipple once she was, try to get her to nurse, try different positions, then try the other breast (repeat process) and after 30 minutes (the limit I'd set for myself and our pediatrician agreed on) we'd give her a bottle of either breast milk or formula. Each time I was in tears as I pumped and she happily took the bottle. Again the rejection I felt each time was so hard. This process was repeated every 2 hours. It was absolutely gut wrenching for me.

  Wednesday morning at the last feeding before we would leave for the doctors appointment I told Tancy that I just couldn't try to nurse again. I wanted her to just give her the bottle without me trying to nurse. I didn't have it in me to make her cry again, only to result in her taking a bottle. I sat in the back of the car with her, desperate to feel that closeness to her that I'd felt while I was nursing. I just wanted to be close to her when she wasn't crying, to be able to enjoy her again. I missed my daughter. That's the only way I know to put it. I was tired of the fight and I wasn't sure what to do next. Even after 24 hours of medicine she wouldn't nurse, she would latch, she would even suckle once or twice, but she was frustrated pretty quickly and didn't want it... even though my milk was right there, ready for her to just take that draw, just like with the bottle. I don't know if her mouth was still too raw or if she had nipple confusion... either way she wouldn't take the breast. I asked for a sign of what we should do. I didn't want to do what was "easy" (as if anything felt easy at that moment), I only wanted to do what was absolutely best for her. I could see how the breast or the bottle (formula and/or breast milk) both had their positives, I just had no idea what to do. I tried not to cry any more. I felt like I'd cried for days and I was exhausted. This wasn't good for either of us. When we weighed her she'd gained 5 ounces in a 24 hour period! Now that's a sign. She hadn't gained that much in a week and a half after her birth. Obviously she wasn't getting what she needed from me. This was a relief (that she was gaining) and another break in my heart (because it was from formula and not me) all at the same time. The doctor confirmed what I felt, that she wasn't getting adequate milk from me and might not latch at all again. So, formula it is... supplemented with breast milk as I produce it. I don't have to pump every 2 hours, but I do have to pump within a reasonable time in order to keep any milk production. (This is another decision that I will have to make eventually, when is it no longer productive to pump.... a decision I am not ready to make presently.) I was relieved to not have the weight of that decision on me, to put her on formula, the information was undeniable, she needed to be on formula. Initially I felt better. We came home so that I could pump (because I hadn't since about 11:00 the night before) and then out to get supplies we needed for bottle feeding and formula. To Babies R Us first to get some items there, wow formula is expensive... and immediately I felt guilty about what I'd spent on nursing bras, so confident that we would succeed. Why hadn't I just waited a little longer? Then to Target to get the rest of what we needed. Then home. I was completely spent. And now the relief had faded and I was feeling incredibly emotional.
  I needed to pump not long after we got home. I couldn't give her a bottle, it messed with me too bad. When she would root while I held her I was a sobbing mess. It messed with my head so badly. I went to the back to pump, Tancy came with me to help and I just fell apart. Honestly, pieces. That's the only way I can explain it to you... I had all these conflicting emotions and I couldn't digest it all and decompress. My emotions, hormones, chemistry, everything was against me. I knew that alot of it wasn't rational but there was nothing I could do about it but talk. I felt rejected, personally. I felt like I had been told that something synthetic was better for her than what I could give her. She was happier to take a bottle than to nurse. I couldn't reconcile my feelings about the immediate and abrupt disconnect that had happened. As relieved as I was to not have to fight that fight any more I was heart broken, I wasn't ready yet. I wasn't ready to not have that connection with my child. This is all selfish of course, but this is all about my feelings, whatever they are and my constant need to work it out and take it apart. After my break down I pumped and tried to pull it together. I just wanted us both to feel better, to rest and to reconnect. Mandy and Steve came by and I tried to hold it together while they were here. I just checked out really, it was all I could do. We went to bed right after they left and I was able to sleep from 8:00 till 11:00. Tancy gave Lillie her 11:00 bottle while I pumped. But then she decided she was going to spit up, projectile style and I had to put her on my chest to get her to sleep. She slept 30 minutes and then was fussy... she was hungry still. I made another bottle and fed her, slowly, burping her every half ounce. After she got it down she was sound asleep (2:00 AM).

  She was up again when Tancy got up to get ready for work. I took her to Mom who was happy to give her a bottle and went back to bed myself. I slept till about 7:30 and stirred about a bit. I needed to pump again. Mom gave her another bottle while I pumped and we visited a bit. We were both busy from that point forward, picking up, getting the diaper bag together, sterilizing, packing, etc. The morning went by in a flash. I wasn't sure how I would react to dropping her at the airport. I was hopeful that I wouldn't cry... I'd cried more than enough in the last few days to last me quite a while. It wasn't that I wasn't sad to see her leave, I just needed to be a bit more emotionally sound and not fall apart. We left the house around 10:30 after Mom gave her another bottle. We picked up breakfast on our way, yummy. I missed my turn for the airport, so we took the scenic route, which neither of us minded. We got there right at the 2 hour mark. She kissed Lillie bye and I got her stuff out of the back of the car. We hugged and said our "I love you's" and reminded each other that I'd be in Louisiana soon. We both worked hard not to get emotional and succeeded. Driving away was hard, but I managed to be ok, like I would have been on any other visit, reflecting on what a wonderful time we'd had and looking forward to the next visit.
  I called Pops to tell him that I'd successfully gotten Mom to the airport on time. He sounded good and was glad to hear that we were both ok. Gave him an update on Lillie and he was gald to hear that she was doing better and that I was too. We went to Sam's club to get a few things, then to Target to get some others (wow, we do alot of shopping). It was good to be out and to have some time with Lillie. Maybe I was putting off being at home without Mom, I can't say for certain, but I was proud to be capable of taking care of a few things. I gave her a bottle in the car at Target and she was asleep again. After Target we headed home. I took her out of her car seat and let her wake up on her own, we talked and visited a bit. It was great to reconnect with her and just feel close again... seemed like every time I held her the past few days it was such a fight and so emotional. It was wonderful for it just to feel good again. Once she was awake I gave her a bottle and then we talked some more. I watched the faces she made and listened to the new noises she'd learned. I put her in her rocker after a while so I could get a few things done... laundry, pump (pumping about 4 ounces of breast milk every 6 hours... not enough for her to have just that, but at least she's still getting breast milk right?) and then sterilize bottles and pumping stuff.
  Tancy's home now and giving her a bottle and I am ready to wrap this up and just enjoy our nuclear family for a moment. Casie, Chuck and Marlie are on their way, they should be here by 10:00 and I am excited to see them and for them to see Lillie.

  I do feel much better today. I know that we are absolutely doing what is best for her. What more can any parents do? In my mind, that is the most important thing. Any attachment I have to breast feeding at this point is more about me than her. I am happy to keep providing some breast milk for her, but at some point it will be just too much work for too little pay off... I'm just not ready to make that call yet. But I'll get there. At the end of the day the lesson is this: Go ahead, make your plans and hold on for the roller coaster ride... that's what parenthood is... knowing how you want things to go and then for everything other than that to happen!

  I hope that everyone is having a great evening. Thank you all so very much for all the love and support. It means the world to me.

  Love to all!

  • 5:04 pm
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