June 9, 2009

• Twisted and anxious

  Ok, here's a blog like I haven't written in a while. It is strictly to try to clear my head and calm down a bit. You've been warned...

  I have no idea why but this morning I feel fairly anxious and what I would describe as twisted. You all know that anxiety has been something that I have dealt with for a long time. But through my pregnancy I haven't really had alot of it. Maybe in the beginning when hormones were in full swing, but for the most part I have really been incredibly, uncharacteristically, calm. Sure I have cleaned like a crazy lady, organized like my life depended on it and completed every task I could see needed to be done... and then some. But I did all of that very calmly, no real sense of urgency or stress, just something to do. That matter of fact. I was excited to see the results in all the organization. I was happy to smell that clean smell of ammonia. It was such a comfort to see the trash and dirt leave the house. But even in the things I didn't get done, like baseboards, there was no anxiety (which is how it would have been pre-pregnancy) about not completing a task on the "To Do" list. It just was something I wasn't going to be able to do and that was fine. There are, believe it or not, things that I wanted Tancy to do that haven't been done and that doesn't bother me at all, where previously I would have been twisted as hell about that!
  I say all of this to illustrate that I was very calm. Although to others I probably appeared to be losing my mind! LOL.

  Even in the last week, I haven't been able to sit still. This hasn't been anxiety or anything like that. Just physically I am more comfortable to keep moving. Plus my brain turns all the time, looking for something that I didn't get done that I would really like to do or thinking about Mom and Dad being here, thinking about when family is coming in, thinking, thinking, thinking... Again though, not in my usual obsessive manner, just turning things over, looking at them, taking a mental inventory and removing unwanted/unneeded items. I enjoy being productive, always have, and so not sitting still continued to give a sense of accomplishment.

  The house is clean. As clean as it is going to get. I am done with the scrubbing, satisfied with all that we have accomplished. We have a pretty good amount of food in the freezer, so I don't feel an overwhelming desire to cook and freeze everything in the house. I have stocked the cabinets with disposable plates and cups for when we have company so no one has a ton of dishes to do. I also put the plastic forks and spoons in the silverware drawer. I have planned ahead as far as I can. I have sterilized everything that needs sterilizing. I have organized absolutely everything that I intend to organize. Everything has a home at this point and that's where it stays. We have been doing a pretty good job of that. The hospital bag is packed and ready to go. Hell, I am baking cookies just trying to occupy myself.

  But today, I feel that old anxiety creeping in. I used to be able to tell you where it was coming from... but today, I have no idea. Mom says it's because I am running out of things to do... I say I have never had a problem finding something to do. I could probably name off a dozen things right now. But they aren't important things and I don't feel the need to keep "doing" those sorts of things. I haven't made a list in days!! Shocking I know! Nor do I feel compelled to. I just want to figure out where these feelings are coming from and change it. It's not unbearable or miserable, I just don't like it.

  Is this part of the end of pregnancy too? I don't feel apprehensive about having a baby to care for soon. I don't feel like overly impatient about her arrival, she'll get here when she gets here and not a moment before! I honestly have no idea.

  Any input?

  • 10:29 am
  • 2 Comments