July 25, 2009

  • Hittin' the high spots

    Wow, I can't believe how long it has been since I blogged. The 12th! Today is the 25th!! Where does the time go?!

    Lillie is 5 weeks old, gaining weight, doing well. She's growing like a weed, as my Maw-Maw would say. She's smiling and cooing and grinning and "talking" more and more each day. She's so expressive and I am completely in love with her.

    So let's see, the high spots... well, we've had alot of long, emotional chats in the days since my last post. I won't go into all topic matter, it wouldn't be fair. But I will say that having a child changes absolutely everything. Everyone says that, and I knew it would be true, but you just cannot imagine how those changes soak into every minute detail of your life. Our relationship is different now, it is evolving every day, becoming better, stronger, more intimate even. How we feel about our relationships outside of our home is different now as well. Our household responsibilities are changing and developing. We are finding our way... but boy is it painful sometimes. No one goes into any detail with you, when you are trying to get pregnant or are pregnant, about the changes and growing pains (pains being the operative word) that you will experience. I am so very thankful that Tancy and I have worked at our communication for the last 5 years... otherwise this process might be even more uncomfortable for the two of us.

    I have been consistently exhausted. Between the continued blood loss (thankfully tapering off), pumping so Lillie still gets breast milk (OMG that is so much more exhausting than I can express), the night time feedings (even if I am not feeding her I am up to pump), the crying (hers and ours) and improper care on my part (rest and nutrition)... I just can't seem to catch up.

    We have been fairly busy while Tancy's been on vacation. Trying not to just become shut in's and trying not to over do it either. It is like walking a tight rope and I have to be honest I felt like I'd fallen off a few times! We went to the farmer's market, we went for a hike in the mountains, we did some shopping also. She's becoming well traveled already, even though she's slept through all of it! LOL. That's ok, its a great thing, for me to spend that family time. I think I need that more than anything else, the three of us hanging out, taking a drive, walking around, whatever... just taking that time to bond and hang out. There's a bit of reconnecting to be done for Tancy and I in many ways... it's easy to put Lillie first and put ourselves on the back burner. This doesn't work for long as you can imagine. So we are working on the balance there as well. It's all so new, everything is new.

    We had two or three nights in a row, where right at bed time Lillie would throw a holy terror fit... to the point that both myself and Tancy were near tears before she settled down. We were concerned that she had colic. But Tancy started nights last night and I tried an experiment. I gave her a bath just before it was time for her first "night time" bottle. Then she had 3/4 of a bottle, swaddled, the rest of the bottle and down for the night. She went soundly to sleep and slept till it was time to eat again. I repeated this process each time, starting with changing her diaper before her bottle. No fits. I was so very thankful, I can't even tell ya. With Tancy on nights I couldn't imagine how I might get through one of those fits on my own without ending up a sobbing mess myself. So, no need to worry about that.

    Since last night went so well, we ventured out again this morning, to go get diapers and a few neccessities. Before we got home, by maybe 10 minutes, it was apparent I had pushed it too far... she was in full fit. I just drove home, what else could I do? She fell asleep just before I got home and was wide awake and crying when I carried her in. I changed her butt, fixed her bottle and she was satisfied. It's so hard to not want to stop the world from spinning when she cries. I really just want to soothe her and have her be happy. But sometimes she is going to cry and I'm not always going to be able to stop what I am doing (I am learning this slowly and painfully in some ways).

    Tonight she was down for about 5:30 after her bath and bottle. She's in her pack-n-play now sleeping, I expect her to be up in about an hour to eat again. I will have to pump after she eats and then hopefully we will both sleep soundly until the next round. It gets easier each day, but boy, some days are so tough and exhausting. I am planning on a quiet day at home tomorrow, take care of a few things around the house and just chill out.

    I have to admit that tonight I am a bit lonesome. Nothing really to be done about it, just is. I mean, its nothing to be concerned about... I think the baby blues have faded almost entirely away. I still have moments of sensitivity (whether that's crying or pissed off), but they are not anything like what they were 2 weeks ago. We will still have bumps in the road, that is life, but I think we are seeing a bit clearer now than in the beginning. I am very happy about that. Boy, shift work also plays its own part in it all. While Tancy's on nights I am basically by myself. She sleeps during the day, so I have all day to take care of her and then at night too. I am lucky enough to catch a shower between the time Tancy gets up and the time she leaves for work, and she usually takes the feeding that happens in that time frame, but otherwise there just isn't the time. I am not complaining, just another piece of our puzzle.

    Alright kids... as much other stuff as I have to purge I don't think I am going to put it all out there for public consumption. So that's all I got for tonight. I hope that everyone is doing well and hopefully before too terribly long I will have time to blog on a more regular basis. I'd like to also post some pictures soon. We shall see. I am just happy to get a shower, get dressed and eat before noon! LOL.

    Love to all!