July 12, 2009

• Baby blues??

  It's been a while, it takes days for me to have a moment to blog. It's 8:33 on Sunday night. Tancy is giving Lillie a bottle and then she'll go down for the night... she was down before, but I hadn't put her in her jammies so here we are eating again and THEN bedtime.

  So last time I blogged Mom had just left. Lillie and I had a good day together before Tancy got home. Once Tancy got home we went and got dinner and then home to rest for the night. Casie, Chuck and Marlie got here around 10:15 that night and as soon as I got them in the house and settled a bit I went back to bed.

  Friday morning Lillie & me got up and spent a little time with Casie & Marlie. Tancy was up before long and so was Chuck. Friday we hung around the house a bit that morning and then we all got ready and went to get sushi for lunch. It was yummy. We came back home, dropped the girls, Tancy & Chuck and then Casie and I went to Wal-Mart to get some groceries. We came back home and just hung out a bit before bedtime.

  Saturday morning started much the same as Friday morning. We got moving a bit earlier, though not much, and headed to the flea market here by the house... that was a bust! Then we went to the flea market in Dallas. That was not a bust... lots of stuff. But Lillie got a little too hot and we ended up cutting our shopping short. From there we went to Mandy's and put Marlie in her blow up pool and just hung out a bit. We headed home before long and threw some steaks on the grill. They were delicious!! Mandy came by and ate dinner with us too. It was funny, both the girls were crying, Casie & I were in the kitchen, just trying to get everything done. Tancy and Chuck were outside grilling the steaks. It just seemed like thats how it should be. I've simplified all of the weekend cause I've got alot of ground to cover... but it was a good weekend. It totally made me wish that we lived closer together so that our girls could spend time together and we could have more nights like that night.

  Sunday morning we were up early and they were out of here by like 7:00 or so... I hated to see them leave. And at the same time it was nice to have the house to ourselves again. Such mixed emotions about things like that... hard to figure out why things have to be so conflicting. We spent the whole day in our pajamas, even Lillie, till she shit all through her diaper, onto Tancy and the couch! It was crazy. I thought Tancy was going to gag. She was ready to throw out the pajamas instead of just washing them out. I had to laugh! I forget what we did for dinner, I know we didn't cook.... but the day was fairly uneventful.

  Monday Tancy was back to work. I was so tired. Little to no sleep at night and now a full day of just me and Lillie. On the one hand it was nice, on the other hand, it was exhausting! When Tancy got home we went pretty quickly to bed. She was kind enough to bring dinner home, so there wasn't much else to do.

  Tuesday was a repeat of Monday, as was Wednesday. We didn't leave the house except for Tuesday to get breast pads and a few other absolutely necessary items. By Wednesday I was emotionally exhausted. Physically I was ok, but emotionally I was spent. My brain felt like mush and to focus on much more than feeding Lillie and taking care of her was really not possible.

  Thursday was the first day of Tancy's vacation. We took Lillie to the doctor. She weighs 7 lbs. 7 oz. and is now 21" long. She's doing really well. It became evident to me that our doctor was watching her closely out of concern for her weight. That's one reason we like him, he was worried but didn't get us twisted, he just advised us as to what we needed to do and kept us coming in to check on her. After we finished up there we ran some errands. I was completely exhausted by the time we got home. It was too late to get a nap... but I knew we had over done it... at least I had.

  Friday we got up and headed to the second hand store to get Tancy some shorts. Then we went to Mandy's for a bon fire. We got there early, but she had to work late... so she didn't get home till like 9:00. We left by 10:00, it was just more than I could do. I am not up to that yet... maybe I should be... I don't know what the "norm" is... but for me, it was just beyond what I could do.

  Saturday we took care of a few things around the house. I was feeling really good about accomplishing some of the normal stuff that we'd let go too far. Then it all went down hill. Something happened that made me feel frustrated and then the water works started. We had a good talk about what we each needed and how to get that. Then we headed out to the mountains to reconnect and chill out. We didn't end up taking a walk in the mountains, the rain was coming, but it was good just to get out of the house and away from the phones and TV and everything. We came back home, had dinner and watched UFC's 100. It was good. We were up way too late though. LOL.

  We slept in till 10:00 this morning. Of course that isn't the same as it used to be. I fed Lillie at 2:00 and she was up till 4:00... I was exhausted! Then she was up at 7:00 to eat again. Then at 10:00 we finally got up. We started getting ready fairly early, we were taking Mandy to eat for her birthday. By 2:00 we were headed to the restaraunt. Food was good. They sang to Mandy and Val (her birthday was the 8th) and put sombrero's on their heads! It was entertaining. Then we headed to the mall for Mandy and Tancy to look for swim suits. From there we headed home and hung out a bit. Everybody headed to their respective homes before long and Tancy and I had another long talk, full of tears.

  I don't have post partum depression, but I think I do have a touch of the baby blues. I know this because I don't tolerate company well, I do just fine with Tancy... but too much interaction or stimulation is more than I can take. I withdraw. I don't "visit" well with people at this point. I am not sure why that is, other than to attribute it to baby blues. I don't know if its normal. I don't have any idea what other women go through... I can only speak to how I feel. I want our friends and family to visit, I get happy about it even... but before its all said and done I pull away completely. Tancy and I talked about it all, lots of tears and hurt feelings... but I think we figured it all out and smoothed it all over. I hope she had a better understanding of where I am at and I think I have a better understanding of where she is at. That's one thing about same sex relationships.... we speak the same language, we understand each other (this is positive), however... we can both be emotional at the same time (this is negative). So it can sometimes be tricky to talk to each other about how we feel. We did really well though, we always do... we work it out and keep talking about things until we get it sorted out. Just one of the many reasons I love her. I will tell you this... whatever differences you have before you have kids, become even bigger after you do! LOL. Jsut a word to the wise. If you were good about working it out before, you'll probably still be good about working it out... but if not... well... I'm just glad that isn't the case for us at this point.

  That's all I got for now. I don't think the baby blues is anything to worry about. I am just acknowledging it and talking about it. Keeping myself in check is always a good thing.

  I hope that everyone is well. I hope to post more frequently at some point. Just not sure when... 18 years or so?! LOL.

  Love to all!

  • 9:06 pm
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