January 18, 2009

  • Nervous

    Good morning all. It is Sunday morning and the day is pretty dreary so far.

    Yesterday was a full day for us. We headed out fairly early (house show ready, just in case) to look at houses we had seen online that we might want to see in a showing should a "drive by" work out for us. Most were a bust. But, it was a good day, out and about and we really didn't spend any money.

    Yesterday was also a full day with regard to navigating the emotional pitfalls and peaks of pregnancy. It has certainly been an adjustment for both of us... and though I do feel terrible for Tancy, it is equally hard on us. I, as always, feel the need to talk about how I feel, why I feel that way, how I got there, etc. Tancy, especially when she's hurt or mad, likes to lock it down. So, its felt like there's been a big empty space between us most recently. We worked it out, the hard way, yesterday. I think we both got a really good understanding of where the other one was and what we both needed from each other. I feel better today, she seems to as well (no, I haven't asked her... I am trying to do better about expecting her to communicate the same way I do).

    Our weekend, without the stumbling and fumblng, has been good. We went to Mandy's after riding around looking at houses and visited with her. We laughed and cut up, it was a great break from the intensity of our discussions that morning. We played a game called "Sequence" and it was fun too. I guess it was right around 10:00 when we headed home. We had more discussion, what ended up being the code cracker of it all, before bed... we were both so exhausted that we were asleep shortly after midnight.

    You see, it doesn't have anything to do with loving each other... it has everything to do with entering a new phase in our relationship and how that changes what we need and how we convey that. Tancy is my best friend, she's the one who can make me laugh when no one can, she's the one who has seen me at my ugliest and at my best, she's the one I want to spend the most time with.... basically, she's as close to my everything that I ever want to have. I can pretty confidently say she feels the same way about me.... But we are so fundamentally different in our reaction and communication that sometimes we hit a bump in the road we have to figure out the best way to get past it.

    Anyway, enough about that.

    We don't have any real plans today. It's a really ugly day outside, so I certainly don't want to be outside. The house is clean. The bills are all paid, the check book is balanced (it isn't hard to balance nothing, LOL). It feels good to have these things done. I don't want to sit in the house all day.... but I don't want to spend any money either. So, we shall see.

    Tomorrow is our doctors appointment to see how the baby is doing, check for proper development and possibly find out if we are having a boy or a girl. It started yesterday around noon, I started feeling nervous. I don't know why. Part of it is, I think, that we have been saying "he" for a while now.... partly because that's what I feel we are having, partly because it seems everyone else says we are having a boy... and who knows why else. I am not worried, if its a girl, that I will be disappointed. It's just the uncertainty of it all. Its like someone telling you for 5 months that they got you this really awesome gift. You think you know what it is.... but you are now about to tear that paper open and break open the packaging to see what the gift is. No doubt it will be awesome, but what is it?! It is as much excitement as it is nervous... but nerves are definitely a part of it. I just want to hear good news that all is well, looks like it should, developing well, good size, on the right track and THEN I will breathe a sigh of relief. Maybe that is actually it more than anything.... that they will do a fairly detailed check to see how the little bugger is growing and developing and I am nervous about that. I just want him or her to be healthy and doing well in there.

    Ok. Today is Tancy's last day home. She starts nights tomorrow night. So, I want to enjoy the day with her today, not be on the computer all day.

    I hope you all have a great Sunday.

    Love to all!