May 11, 2011
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Temper, temper!
Well, I have something I need to get off my chest… so here we go… I will warn you all ahead of time, I’m feeling a little pissed. This blog might be offensive, it might contain vulgar language.I will do my best to keep it under control, but just in case… you’ve been warned!
I have always had a temper, but it’s been fairly balanced with a tender heart. Most people saw the tears, only a select few ever saw the anger. I tend to react to things very quickly and that paired with a temper didn’t set well in a new relationship, to be quite honest, it had a very negative impact at times. In the last seven years I have worked very hard to control my temper, mind my words and keep my nose out of what truly wasn’t my business. But when it comes to people I love, this becomes a real challenge. On the one hand, I want to cry when I think of someone I love being in pain. On the other hand, I want to find the no good son of a bitch that caused the pain and hand it right back to him or her.
Now, inflicting pain isn’t my first thought… truly… my first thought is a good old fashioned “come to Jesus” with the person in question; To educate them, just in case they were unaware, on the fact that they are hurting someone I love; To let them know just how I felt about it, as well as the immediate rectification expected; To prepare them for the wrath that will surely rain down on their head should they not change their wicked ways. This is not because I think I am all powerful, that anyone really gives a shit about what I think or feel, or because I think anyone would be intimidated by me. It simply comes from a place of what is right is right, and wrong is wrong… But, given the opportunity, I would most definitely follow through… without question or concern for much else.
I would protect my family (most of you know by now this is not limited to those I am directly related to… it also includes close friends) at any cost. I would risk them being mad at me to protect them. I realize this isn’t a popular thought process, or even very smart… that one would go to such lengths, possibly risking the relationship with said loved one, to protect them. But it is how it works in my brain. I would rather have someone I love out of harms way, and mad at me, than to watch them hurt. I think this comes from my father, as I have watched him stand up for family, even when it pissed them off… I admire this. To love someone so much that you would go that far… I am sure there’s someone reading this right now who thinks that’s foolish, but I don’t.
Maybe it’s an old fashioned way of doing things… when right was right, when everyone knew everyone, when people looked out for each other… I think, to some extent, we have left those ways behind. There’s so much gray now… I have neighbors that I have lived next door to for 5 years whose names I don’t even know. My alarm went off last week for nearly an hour probably, and not one neighbor came over to see what the hell was going on. People just don’t get involved anymore. But I digress…
My parents mean the world to me, they taught me most of what I know… I will give myself some credit for life experiences.
My sister, I have loved her with all my heart since the day she was born. For these three people, the people who were at my core for most of my life… I will always answer the call, I will be there and do anything asked when they are in need. Even though those bonds aren’t as tight as they once were; time and distance prevent me from being as close to them as I want sometimes (other times I feel as close as ever). And when they hurt, I want to take it away.
My partner, my wife, Tancy… our daughter Lillie, I would go to the ends of the earth for them. Do anything to protect them, spend my last breath hunting down anyone who hurt them. When they hurt, I feel it in my soul… right now, I can’t sleep because I know Lillie wasn’t feeling well before bed. It’s just that basic.
My in-law’s, they are truly wonderful people. They love me like their own, and I return that love to them. I want to see them well and happy… I wish I could make it so in those times when it isn’t. I am very protective of them, in ways that only Tancy will ever know.
I have nieces and nephews that I love more than I can put into words, and I would protect them with the same fierceness as my own child.I can’t list every person I feel protective over… I can’t even list all of the really important ones. To even attempt that would only dilute my true feelings. But I can tell you this, my family is larger than I realize sometimes. I am loved by many and I love them in return. And should you cross one of these people, hurt one of them, I will have thought of a dozen ways to hurt you before you ever know I am pissed at you, hell, in some cases, you may not even know who I am. I may never open my mouth, out of respect for the person affected; chances are I will not act on my violent thoughts… but know this… I will smile at the very thought that karma is a bitch and what you put out there, to the universe, will certainly come back to you… I will delight in the many ways your shitty actions might come back around to you. If I should get the opportunity to talk to you, when it is all said and done, I will make you feel very small and worthless.
That’s extreme you might think, and maybe you are right… but this is my rant for now, my anger, my frustration. I have watched more than one person I love be hurt recently. By someone selfish, unkind or simply unaware. I am tired of it. I wish that there was something I could do. I would pick up the phone right now if I knew it wouldn’t change the course of things forever… if I could trust that it would make everything better. But I am not so self centered and egotistical that I believe that’s how it would happen. I am smart enough to know that there would be hurt feelings at the very least. These are good people, with great big hearts, who deserve to be happy, to receive all the love and kindness that they give.
I don’t believe in putting negativity out there… I just said what you put out there is what you give back… and my relationships don’t permit me to be so involved in others lives that I butt in on their relationships with others. But there are times when I am just so hurt, so mad, that I can’t help but day dream about spending a little time in a room alone with the offender. Again, I just want to talk, lol.
I would like to ask to anyone reading, the next time you hurt, manipulate or use someone, think about the fact that they might have a family member just like me… who hasn’t learned to stay out of other peoples business… But, if you could stop and think about what might happen when you hurt someone, you probably wouldn’t be the kind of person to do those things. So, I guess it would be more appropriate to say, to all the assholes out there… you’ll get yours one day.
Love to all.
