June 28, 2009
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Birthday to coming home
So the rest of the day (June 19th) of our baby’s birth was quite full. My Dad got in from Louisiana around 12:30. Also anxious to see his new grandbaby. She looked so tiny in his arms. He was quiet and careful with her and I could tell that his heart was full. He had made a flying trip, I think in a little less than 11 hours he had made the usual 12 hour drive.
Before long people started showing up. I can’t say who got there first, again, I was high as a kite for quite a while. I know that Sandy, Mandy, Amy, Jenn & Tab were all there. Mom and Dad left for the evening fairly early, Dad was exhausted from his trip. Aunt Jan called to check in, I remember talking to her and at some point just wanting to sleep. Sandy brought champagne and birthday cake, party hats and decorations. Lillie had her very first birthday cake (no she didn’t get to eat any of it). Everyone tells you that you need to rest, sleep when the baby sleeps… but they don’t tell you how to accomplish that with a room full of people waiting to see your precious new arrival. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love all my family and friends and wouldn’t have it any other way. I mean, honestly, I would be heart broken if no one came by or called… but it is exhausting and you get no rest. By 7:00 I had hit my wall and told our visitors that I really was worn out and as much as I loved them I needed them to leave us by 7:30 so we could all get some rest. My eyes had been rolling back in my head all day, I don’t think I’d gotten even so much as a little nap. Not to mention coordinating keeping my ass covered, asking people to leave the room when I got checked out by the doctor or nurse… it’s just all exhausting. Luckily, at that point, I hadn’t had to get up to pee, so I didn’t have that to contend with too. Very shortly after telling them I was tired they began to make their way to the door. I love them so for understanding and not taking offense. When everyone had cleared out it was time for the night nurse to come in, we decided to remove the catheter and get me up and moving. So much for the sleep I wanted so badly. It had been such a long day, starting at 5:00 (really we hadn’t slept well since we got there on Wednesday) and full of drugs for me that I don’t tolerate well… which means emotional and weepy and even bitchy (which I tried so desperately to control). It had been crimped, unbeknownst to me, earlier when the day shift nurse came in the “change me” (the pad they put down on the bed at least), so my output wasn’t great and that explained the reason for the pain I was feeling. We got that lined out and once the output looked good the nurse removed the catheter completley. Now I had to measure my urine in a “hat” that sat in the toilet. Joy! They were pumping me full of IV fluids, as they had been the entire time. I had to get up and sit in the chair for a while also. I was miserable. I was hot beyond what I could get a handle on and exhausted from the day. I think it was around 10:00 or so before I could get back in the bed and try to rest. I wont say that we slept well, first night with a new baby in the hospital, being checked every couple of hours… but we did sleep some.
The next day was full of the same obstacle, visitors all day and sheer exhaustion. Again, you can’t complain about people loving and caring about you enough (and your new baby… cause that’s really what its about) to come see you, and that isn’t at all what I am doing. I am simply discussing the challenges, for me, of the first days after Lillie was born. I hope that no one takes offense. If you’ve been there, you know already exactly what I mean to say and that it isn’t a complaint as much as just how it is, we got through it. Anyway, Mom and Dad got there first, I think. We visited. I think they brought breakfast, but to be honest, we were so bleary eyed I don’t think it registered to either one of us. Before long Mandy came by as well and so did Lauren. Angie and Crystal stopped by also. It wasn’t long before I knew I needed a break, I guess it might have been lunch time or so. I told everyone that I really just needed to take a nap, I was so tired and just couldn’t rest with a room full of people. I had to coordinate getting up to pee without showing my ass to everyone, I was bleeding and having to pee in a hat, which had to remain there till a nurse checked it. I was hot. I was trying to breast feed. I was also still getting checked by the nurses. It’s hard to manage all those things, be in pain and try to maintain some modesty and privacy. There is no rest under those circumstances. Thankfully, once again, everyone was very understanding and started making their way out not long after me letting them know what I needed. Mom and Dad got lunch, ran to Wal-Mart and I think even came back to the house for a while. We managed a nap, it was wonderful! Just what I needed I know. Tancy needed it as well.
After our nap I had a small melt down. Overwhelmed by the activity, the pain, the checks, the fluid, the hot flashes, the breast feeding, the hormones that were newly raging, the emotions I couldn’t explain, honestly, everything… that’s the best way I know to describe it, everything. I upset Tancy before it was all said and done, which I didn’t want or intend to do, I just needed to talk about what I was feeling, the things that were bothering me (irrational or rational they were my feelings) and try to decompress some. It seemed like she and I hadn’t had much time alone with our new baby at all and I just needed that time, to talk, to cry, to laugh, to count her fingers and toes… I had scarcely been able to hold her for more than feeding her and hadn’t even had the chance to check her out good. This thought made me sad. I wasn’t able to get up to change her diaper, I wasn’t able to get up to watch them give her her first bath the night before. I wasn’t resting and I was just raw. After talking I felt some better and some worse, concerned that I had hurt Tancy’s feelings and upset her. She’s my confidant though, I talk to her about everything. There’s no one I’d rather talk to about anything than her… this is our struggle sometimes.
Sonia and Heather came by for a quick visit. We were glad to see them and happy that they understood how tired we were. Mom and Dad came back as well. I knew they wanted to and we were up and feeling a bit better, so when Dad called I encouraged them to come back if they wanted. Gary, Mark and Curtis came by while Mom and Dad were there. They stayed about 15 minutes maybe, just long enough to check in on us and see Lillie. Not long after they left Mom and Dad left. We settled in for what would be a LONG night. Lillie decided that she needed to nurse in 30 minute incriments, 30 minutes of nursing, 30 minutes of sleep, repeat. It was absolutely exhausting. The only way I got any sleep was to let her sleep on my chest. This allowed Tancy to get some rest because she didn’t have to get up each time and put her back in the bassinet. I barely slept during those 30 minutes worried she’d stop breathing or I’d move my arms and she’d roll off. Then there were the checks from the nurse during the night as well. My nipples were raw and I was absolutely spent.
When morning came around I was hopeful that we would be discharged earlier. We’d seen the doctor (the one we really don’t like at all) the day before and he was pleased with my progress. We’d seen the pediatrician on call and he was pleased with Lillie. We didn’t think there would be any problems, just a matter of time. The pediatrician came in fairly early, Lillie got the all clear! My doctor was in the hospital, but who knew when we would see him… Luckily we’d made such good friends with the nurses (who didn’t like him either) that I think they swayed him in our direction earlier rather than later. We were out of there before noon. Lillie slept on the way home, but not before a small fit. Mom and Dad picked up lunch and we ate once we got home. Soon after I nursed Lillie and then Tancy and I both layed down to take a nap while Mom & Dad kept an eye on the little one. I think we slept 2 hours. We were both absolutely exhausted (which by the way isn’t really a good enough word to describe exactly how you feel at any given point). After our nap we felt some better and ready to keep at it. Lillie had been nursing fairly well and the evening was, thankfully, very quiet. Before long it was bedtime. I had to wake Lillie every 2 – 3 hours to feed her, but couldn’t complain. She slept well. It was just what we needed to renew us, a night with us having to wake her instead of the other way around.
