Wow, I can’t believe how long it has been since I blogged. The 12th! Today is the 25th!! Where does the time go?!

Lillie is 5 weeks old, gaining weight, doing well. She’s growing like a weed, as my Maw-Maw would say. She’s smiling and cooing and grinning and “talking” more and more each day. She’s so expressive and I am completely in love with her.

So let’s see, the high spots… well, we’ve had alot of long, emotional chats in the days since my last post. I won’t go into all topic matter, it wouldn’t be fair. But I will say that having a child changes absolutely everything. Everyone says that, and I knew it would be true, but you just cannot imagine how those changes soak into every minute detail of your life. Our relationship is different now, it is evolving every day, becoming better, stronger, more intimate even. How we feel about our relationships outside of our home is different now as well. Our household responsibilities are changing and developing. We are finding our way… but boy is it painful sometimes. No one goes into any detail with you, when you are trying to get pregnant or are pregnant, about the changes and growing pains (pains being the operative word) that you will experience. I am so very thankful that Tancy and I have worked at our communication for the last 5 years… otherwise this process might be even more uncomfortable for the two of us.

I have been consistently exhausted. Between the continued blood loss (thankfully tapering off), pumping so Lillie still gets breast milk (OMG that is so much more exhausting than I can express), the night time feedings (even if I am not feeding her I am up to pump), the crying (hers and ours) and improper care on my part (rest and nutrition)… I just can’t seem to catch up.

We have been fairly busy while Tancy’s been on vacation. Trying not to just become shut in’s and trying not to over do it either. It is like walking a tight rope and I have to be honest I felt like I’d fallen off a few times! We went to the farmer’s market, we went for a hike in the mountains, we did some shopping also. She’s becoming well traveled already, even though she’s slept through all of it! LOL. That’s ok, its a great thing, for me to spend that family time. I think I need that more than anything else, the three of us hanging out, taking a drive, walking around, whatever… just taking that time to bond and hang out. There’s a bit of reconnecting to be done for Tancy and I in many ways… it’s easy to put Lillie first and put ourselves on the back burner. This doesn’t work for long as you can imagine. So we are working on the balance there as well. It’s all so new, everything is new.

We had two or three nights in a row, where right at bed time Lillie would throw a holy terror fit… to the point that both myself and Tancy were near tears before she settled down. We were concerned that she had colic. But Tancy started nights last night and I tried an experiment. I gave her a bath just before it was time for her first “night time” bottle. Then she had 3/4 of a bottle, swaddled, the rest of the bottle and down for the night. She went soundly to sleep and slept till it was time to eat again. I repeated this process each time, starting with changing her diaper before her bottle. No fits. I was so very thankful, I can’t even tell ya. With Tancy on nights I couldn’t imagine how I might get through one of those fits on my own without ending up a sobbing mess myself. So, no need to worry about that.

Since last night went so well, we ventured out again this morning, to go get diapers and a few neccessities. Before we got home, by maybe 10 minutes, it was apparent I had pushed it too far… she was in full fit. I just drove home, what else could I do? She fell asleep just before I got home and was wide awake and crying when I carried her in. I changed her butt, fixed her bottle and she was satisfied. It’s so hard to not want to stop the world from spinning when she cries. I really just want to soothe her and have her be happy. But sometimes she is going to cry and I’m not always going to be able to stop what I am doing (I am learning this slowly and painfully in some ways).

Tonight she was down for about 5:30 after her bath and bottle. She’s in her pack-n-play now sleeping, I expect her to be up in about an hour to eat again. I will have to pump after she eats and then hopefully we will both sleep soundly until the next round. It gets easier each day, but boy, some days are so tough and exhausting. I am planning on a quiet day at home tomorrow, take care of a few things around the house and just chill out.

I have to admit that tonight I am a bit lonesome. Nothing really to be done about it, just is. I mean, its nothing to be concerned about… I think the baby blues have faded almost entirely away. I still have moments of sensitivity (whether that’s crying or pissed off), but they are not anything like what they were 2 weeks ago. We will still have bumps in the road, that is life, but I think we are seeing a bit clearer now than in the beginning. I am very happy about that. Boy, shift work also plays its own part in it all. While Tancy’s on nights I am basically by myself. She sleeps during the day, so I have all day to take care of her and then at night too. I am lucky enough to catch a shower between the time Tancy gets up and the time she leaves for work, and she usually takes the feeding that happens in that time frame, but otherwise there just isn’t the time. I am not complaining, just another piece of our puzzle.

Alright kids… as much other stuff as I have to purge I don’t think I am going to put it all out there for public consumption. So that’s all I got for tonight. I hope that everyone is doing well and hopefully before too terribly long I will have time to blog on a more regular basis. I’d like to also post some pictures soon. We shall see. I am just happy to get a shower, get dressed and eat before noon! LOL.

Love to all!

It’s been a while, it takes days for me to have a moment to blog. It’s 8:33 on Sunday night. Tancy is giving Lillie a bottle and then she’ll go down for the night… she was down before, but I hadn’t put her in her jammies so here we are eating again and THEN bedtime.

So last time I blogged Mom had just left. Lillie and I had a good day together before Tancy got home. Once Tancy got home we went and got dinner and then home to rest for the night. Casie, Chuck and Marlie got here around 10:15 that night and as soon as I got them in the house and settled a bit I went back to bed.

Friday morning Lillie & me got up and spent a little time with Casie & Marlie. Tancy was up before long and so was Chuck. Friday we hung around the house a bit that morning and then we all got ready and went to get sushi for lunch. It was yummy. We came back home, dropped the girls, Tancy & Chuck and then Casie and I went to Wal-Mart to get some groceries. We came back home and just hung out a bit before bedtime.

Saturday morning started much the same as Friday morning. We got moving a bit earlier, though not much, and headed to the flea market here by the house… that was a bust! Then we went to the flea market in Dallas. That was not a bust… lots of stuff. But Lillie got a little too hot and we ended up cutting our shopping short. From there we went to Mandy’s and put Marlie in her blow up pool and just hung out a bit. We headed home before long and threw some steaks on the grill. They were delicious!! Mandy came by and ate dinner with us too. It was funny, both the girls were crying, Casie & I were in the kitchen, just trying to get everything done. Tancy and Chuck were outside grilling the steaks. It just seemed like thats how it should be. I’ve simplified all of the weekend cause I’ve got alot of ground to cover… but it was a good weekend. It totally made me wish that we lived closer together so that our girls could spend time together and we could have more nights like that night.

Sunday morning we were up early and they were out of here by like 7:00 or so… I hated to see them leave. And at the same time it was nice to have the house to ourselves again. Such mixed emotions about things like that… hard to figure out why things have to be so conflicting. We spent the whole day in our pajamas, even Lillie, till she shit all through her diaper, onto Tancy and the couch! It was crazy. I thought Tancy was going to gag. She was ready to throw out the pajamas instead of just washing them out. I had to laugh! I forget what we did for dinner, I know we didn’t cook…. but the day was fairly uneventful.

Monday Tancy was back to work. I was so tired. Little to no sleep at night and now a full day of just me and Lillie. On the one hand it was nice, on the other hand, it was exhausting! When Tancy got home we went pretty quickly to bed. She was kind enough to bring dinner home, so there wasn’t much else to do.

Tuesday was a repeat of Monday, as was Wednesday. We didn’t leave the house except for Tuesday to get breast pads and a few other absolutely necessary items. By Wednesday I was emotionally exhausted. Physically I was ok, but emotionally I was spent. My brain felt like mush and to focus on much more than feeding Lillie and taking care of her was really not possible.

Thursday was the first day of Tancy’s vacation. We took Lillie to the doctor. She weighs 7 lbs. 7 oz. and is now 21″ long. She’s doing really well. It became evident to me that our doctor was watching her closely out of concern for her weight. That’s one reason we like him, he was worried but didn’t get us twisted, he just advised us as to what we needed to do and kept us coming in to check on her. After we finished up there we ran some errands. I was completely exhausted by the time we got home. It was too late to get a nap… but I knew we had over done it… at least I had.

Friday we got up and headed to the second hand store to get Tancy some shorts. Then we went to Mandy’s for a bon fire. We got there early, but she had to work late… so she didn’t get home till like 9:00. We left by 10:00, it was just more than I could do. I am not up to that yet… maybe I should be… I don’t know what the “norm” is… but for me, it was just beyond what I could do.

Saturday we took care of a few things around the house. I was feeling really good about accomplishing some of the normal stuff that we’d let go too far. Then it all went down hill. Something happened that made me feel frustrated and then the water works started. We had a good talk about what we each needed and how to get that. Then we headed out to the mountains to reconnect and chill out. We didn’t end up taking a walk in the mountains, the rain was coming, but it was good just to get out of the house and away from the phones and TV and everything. We came back home, had dinner and watched UFC’s 100. It was good. We were up way too late though. LOL.

We slept in till 10:00 this morning. Of course that isn’t the same as it used to be. I fed Lillie at 2:00 and she was up till 4:00… I was exhausted! Then she was up at 7:00 to eat again. Then at 10:00 we finally got up. We started getting ready fairly early, we were taking Mandy to eat for her birthday. By 2:00 we were headed to the restaraunt. Food was good. They sang to Mandy and Val (her birthday was the 8th) and put sombrero’s on their heads! It was entertaining. Then we headed to the mall for Mandy and Tancy to look for swim suits. From there we headed home and hung out a bit. Everybody headed to their respective homes before long and Tancy and I had another long talk, full of tears.

I don’t have post partum depression, but I think I do have a touch of the baby blues. I know this because I don’t tolerate company well, I do just fine with Tancy… but too much interaction or stimulation is more than I can take. I withdraw. I don’t “visit” well with people at this point. I am not sure why that is, other than to attribute it to baby blues. I don’t know if its normal. I don’t have any idea what other women go through… I can only speak to how I feel. I want our friends and family to visit, I get happy about it even… but before its all said and done I pull away completely. Tancy and I talked about it all, lots of tears and hurt feelings… but I think we figured it all out and smoothed it all over. I hope she had a better understanding of where I am at and I think I have a better understanding of where she is at. That’s one thing about same sex relationships…. we speak the same language, we understand each other (this is positive), however… we can both be emotional at the same time (this is negative). So it can sometimes be tricky to talk to each other about how we feel. We did really well though, we always do… we work it out and keep talking about things until we get it sorted out. Just one of the many reasons I love her. I will tell you this… whatever differences you have before you have kids, become even bigger after you do! LOL. Jsut a word to the wise. If you were good about working it out before, you’ll probably still be good about working it out… but if not… well… I’m just glad that isn’t the case for us at this point.

That’s all I got for now. I don’t think the baby blues is anything to worry about. I am just acknowledging it and talking about it. Keeping myself in check is always a good thing.

I hope that everyone is well. I hope to post more frequently at some point. Just not sure when… 18 years or so?! LOL.

Love to all!

Well, alot has happened since I blogged last. Sunday was a day full of frustration. Lillie got more fussy as the day went on, having more trouble latching, but eventually getting there. Outside of that, it was a good day. I felt better physically and that was a big plus in my book. I felt like I was catching up on my sleep a bit too. Sunday night though, everything changed. At her 7:00 feeding she was fussier but did manage to latch and went soundly to sleep. At 11:00 we woke up to feed her, she wouldn’t nurse at all, she got so upset that once I stopped trying she immediately went to sleep. I didn’t force her to wake up, it was just too emotionally draining on both myself and Tancy, and I just couldn’t bare feeling like I was causing her to cry.

At 2:00 it was worse yet. This time I pumped and Tancy gave her a bottle of the breast milk I had pumped on Friday. This was after an hour of trying to nurse her. I was reduced to tears and just couldn’t keep doing it at that point. She took the bottle without any fuss and then went soundly to sleep. At the next feeding it was more of the same and before it was all said and done we ended up giving her the bottle of breast milk I had pumped previously and I pumped again. After a couple of turns like this we started making phone calls, our doctor, lactation consultants at the hospital and the La Leche League. We got in touch with our doctor who said that we should call a lactation consultant. We couldn’t get in touch with one of them, but we did get someone with the local La Leche League… after talking to the lady she decided to come to the house to help us. She was here in a half an hour. We worked for an hour together trying to get her to latch, no luck. She felt certain that we had thrush (I had asked Tancy about Lillie having thrush on Saturday, but since she showed none of the signs, we brushed it off.)
**New or expecting mothers read this part carefully**
Turns out if mom has a yeast infection (which I got from the IV antibiotics) and is treated for it (I took Diflucan on Saturday) baby should be treated as well. If not, baby gets moms yeast and this can affect (though obviously not always) nursing… their little mouth is raw and it hurts them. Nipples from bottles are easier for them. Which is why Lillie would take the bottle, but wouldn’t latch. It’s also why she started “bitting” me. She hurt.
So we get back on the phone with our pediatrician and tell them we think she’s got thrush, the pediatrician is gone for the day (or we probably wouldn’t gotten the prescription that day to treat her) so we made an appointment for first thing the next morning. We decided to keep trying to nurse, using the methods that the lady from the La Leche League had shown us and just see how it might go. It got progressively worse. I was pumping every 2 hours just to keep up with her, scared to death that we wouldn’t have enough milk to satisfy her. I was a mess.

Tuesday morning I was a complete wreck. Up every 2 hours (that’s 2 hours from the moment I started pumping, not from the time I stopped pumping) to pump while Tancy made a bottle for Lillie. Feeling rejected and heart broken, she’d latch on to anything but me. She’d root and give all the que’s like she would nurse, but then she would refuse the breast. Again, I took this very personally. The lack of sleep wasn’t helping and neither was having to hook up to the aparatus every two hours and only producing a total of an ounce. Every where I turned I felt like I was running into walls. We got to the doctor and she’d gained some weight, I think 2.5 ounces since we had her weighed on Friday, not as much as I had hoped, I chalked it up to the fact that she’d not been nursing well. Once I told our pediatrician that I’d had a yeast infection and taken Diflucan he didn’t need to hear any more… he knew she had thrush, even without all the signs (which she didn’t have). He also felt certain I had mastitis. So, antibiotic for me for the mastitis and another course of diflucan to counter me taking yet another antibiotic. Nystatin for Lillie’s thrush (a drop on my breast before offering it to her to nurse and then a drop in each cheek after nursing… or bottle feeding). He wanted us to supplement formula through the night where necessary (and it was necessary, I couldn’t pump enough for her). Home we went, me in tears and yet also relieved to know our doctor would listen to us and we had the treatment we needed. I was hopeful that with the medicine she’d be nursing again in 24 hours. He didn’t want me pumping until that evening, that way my milk would be right there for her, she wouldn’t have to work too hard, since she was now accustomed to the bottle offering it up immediately. And we would return Wednesday morning to see how the 24 hour period had gone.
The rest of the day was grueling. We had to work to get her woken up, medicine on the nipple once she was, try to get her to nurse, try different positions, then try the other breast (repeat process) and after 30 minutes (the limit I’d set for myself and our pediatrician agreed on) we’d give her a bottle of either breast milk or formula. Each time I was in tears as I pumped and she happily took the bottle. Again the rejection I felt each time was so hard. This process was repeated every 2 hours. It was absolutely gut wrenching for me.

Wednesday morning at the last feeding before we would leave for the doctors appointment I told Tancy that I just couldn’t try to nurse again. I wanted her to just give her the bottle without me trying to nurse. I didn’t have it in me to make her cry again, only to result in her taking a bottle. I sat in the back of the car with her, desperate to feel that closeness to her that I’d felt while I was nursing. I just wanted to be close to her when she wasn’t crying, to be able to enjoy her again. I missed my daughter. That’s the only way I know to put it. I was tired of the fight and I wasn’t sure what to do next. Even after 24 hours of medicine she wouldn’t nurse, she would latch, she would even suckle once or twice, but she was frustrated pretty quickly and didn’t want it… even though my milk was right there, ready for her to just take that draw, just like with the bottle. I don’t know if her mouth was still too raw or if she had nipple confusion… either way she wouldn’t take the breast. I asked for a sign of what we should do. I didn’t want to do what was “easy” (as if anything felt easy at that moment), I only wanted to do what was absolutely best for her. I could see how the breast or the bottle (formula and/or breast milk) both had their positives, I just had no idea what to do. I tried not to cry any more. I felt like I’d cried for days and I was exhausted. This wasn’t good for either of us. When we weighed her she’d gained 5 ounces in a 24 hour period! Now that’s a sign. She hadn’t gained that much in a week and a half after her birth. Obviously she wasn’t getting what she needed from me. This was a relief (that she was gaining) and another break in my heart (because it was from formula and not me) all at the same time. The doctor confirmed what I felt, that she wasn’t getting adequate milk from me and might not latch at all again. So, formula it is… supplemented with breast milk as I produce it. I don’t have to pump every 2 hours, but I do have to pump within a reasonable time in order to keep any milk production. (This is another decision that I will have to make eventually, when is it no longer productive to pump…. a decision I am not ready to make presently.) I was relieved to not have the weight of that decision on me, to put her on formula, the information was undeniable, she needed to be on formula. Initially I felt better. We came home so that I could pump (because I hadn’t since about 11:00 the night before) and then out to get supplies we needed for bottle feeding and formula. To Babies R Us first to get some items there, wow formula is expensive… and immediately I felt guilty about what I’d spent on nursing bras, so confident that we would succeed. Why hadn’t I just waited a little longer? Then to Target to get the rest of what we needed. Then home. I was completely spent. And now the relief had faded and I was feeling incredibly emotional.
I needed to pump not long after we got home. I couldn’t give her a bottle, it messed with me too bad. When she would root while I held her I was a sobbing mess. It messed with my head so badly. I went to the back to pump, Tancy came with me to help and I just fell apart. Honestly, pieces. That’s the only way I can explain it to you… I had all these conflicting emotions and I couldn’t digest it all and decompress. My emotions, hormones, chemistry, everything was against me. I knew that alot of it wasn’t rational but there was nothing I could do about it but talk. I felt rejected, personally. I felt like I had been told that something synthetic was better for her than what I could give her. She was happier to take a bottle than to nurse. I couldn’t reconcile my feelings about the immediate and abrupt disconnect that had happened. As relieved as I was to not have to fight that fight any more I was heart broken, I wasn’t ready yet. I wasn’t ready to not have that connection with my child. This is all selfish of course, but this is all about my feelings, whatever they are and my constant need to work it out and take it apart. After my break down I pumped and tried to pull it together. I just wanted us both to feel better, to rest and to reconnect. Mandy and Steve came by and I tried to hold it together while they were here. I just checked out really, it was all I could do. We went to bed right after they left and I was able to sleep from 8:00 till 11:00. Tancy gave Lillie her 11:00 bottle while I pumped. But then she decided she was going to spit up, projectile style and I had to put her on my chest to get her to sleep. She slept 30 minutes and then was fussy… she was hungry still. I made another bottle and fed her, slowly, burping her every half ounce. After she got it down she was sound asleep (2:00 AM).

She was up again when Tancy got up to get ready for work. I took her to Mom who was happy to give her a bottle and went back to bed myself. I slept till about 7:30 and stirred about a bit. I needed to pump again. Mom gave her another bottle while I pumped and we visited a bit. We were both busy from that point forward, picking up, getting the diaper bag together, sterilizing, packing, etc. The morning went by in a flash. I wasn’t sure how I would react to dropping her at the airport. I was hopeful that I wouldn’t cry… I’d cried more than enough in the last few days to last me quite a while. It wasn’t that I wasn’t sad to see her leave, I just needed to be a bit more emotionally sound and not fall apart. We left the house around 10:30 after Mom gave her another bottle. We picked up breakfast on our way, yummy. I missed my turn for the airport, so we took the scenic route, which neither of us minded. We got there right at the 2 hour mark. She kissed Lillie bye and I got her stuff out of the back of the car. We hugged and said our “I love you’s” and reminded each other that I’d be in Louisiana soon. We both worked hard not to get emotional and succeeded. Driving away was hard, but I managed to be ok, like I would have been on any other visit, reflecting on what a wonderful time we’d had and looking forward to the next visit.
I called Pops to tell him that I’d successfully gotten Mom to the airport on time. He sounded good and was glad to hear that we were both ok. Gave him an update on Lillie and he was gald to hear that she was doing better and that I was too. We went to Sam’s club to get a few things, then to Target to get some others (wow, we do alot of shopping). It was good to be out and to have some time with Lillie. Maybe I was putting off being at home without Mom, I can’t say for certain, but I was proud to be capable of taking care of a few things. I gave her a bottle in the car at Target and she was asleep again. After Target we headed home. I took her out of her car seat and let her wake up on her own, we talked and visited a bit. It was great to reconnect with her and just feel close again… seemed like every time I held her the past few days it was such a fight and so emotional. It was wonderful for it just to feel good again. Once she was awake I gave her a bottle and then we talked some more. I watched the faces she made and listened to the new noises she’d learned. I put her in her rocker after a while so I could get a few things done… laundry, pump (pumping about 4 ounces of breast milk every 6 hours… not enough for her to have just that, but at least she’s still getting breast milk right?) and then sterilize bottles and pumping stuff.
Tancy’s home now and giving her a bottle and I am ready to wrap this up and just enjoy our nuclear family for a moment. Casie, Chuck and Marlie are on their way, they should be here by 10:00 and I am excited to see them and for them to see Lillie.

I do feel much better today. I know that we are absolutely doing what is best for her. What more can any parents do? In my mind, that is the most important thing. Any attachment I have to breast feeding at this point is more about me than her. I am happy to keep providing some breast milk for her, but at some point it will be just too much work for too little pay off… I’m just not ready to make that call yet. But I’ll get there. At the end of the day the lesson is this: Go ahead, make your plans and hold on for the roller coaster ride… that’s what parenthood is… knowing how you want things to go and then for everything other than that to happen!

I hope that everyone is having a great evening. Thank you all so very much for all the love and support. It means the world to me.

Love to all!