June 11, 2009
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Just venting
If the title doesn’t read like a big red flag I don’t know what to tell ya. LOL. This blog is expressly for the purpose of venting and hopefully, subsequently making me feel better. Read at your own risk.
So today I felt fairly crabby… or prickly would be a better term probably. Our doctors appointment was scheduled for 2:20 and honestly I didn’t see the point in going. When Tancy got up we talked a bit about it and how I felt (I had already talked to Mom, Aunt Jan and Missy about it… they all assured me that it is something all women feel at the end of their pregnancy). I just really couldn’t care less about going to the doctor. The only good thing about going was to hear her heart beat and the fact that Tancy’s Mom was going to go in order to hear her heart beat. I was happy to be able to share that with her. Lauren went as well. But as far as I could see I knew I wasn’t in labor, I was pretty sure I wasn’t dilated, so what could she possibly tell me? Nothing, go home, see you next week?! I just didn’t want to hear those words. I felt near tears and if I could have cried I would have and been happy for the release.
We got there and were called back pretty quickly. I gained 1 pound, my blood pressure was 128/70. While we waited for a room my face, the left side, went numb. Scared the shit out of me… your face should not go to sleep! It eased before we got into the room, thankfully. Then we had to work out timing, I was getting the loved by all pelvic exam and didn’t need or want an audience for that (no one really wants to be a part of that if it isn’t necessary). So Dr. Lugue came in first and did my exam, no dilation, locked down tighter than Fort Knox (my words, not hers). She left so I could get dressed and then everyone came in to hear her heart beat. It was good, right where it should be. Measured my belly, right on track. Felt around for her head, right at my pubic bone. Also good. She said that all the cramping was a good thing, means everything is doing what it is suppose to do. (But nothing is happening!!) So we go back in on Tuesday morning for another exam and to go over all the paper work for induction. It will be scheduled for the 18th should the need remain.
I talked to her about my face going numb just minutes before, she said that was weird but didn’t seem concerned. She checked to see if I was retaining fluid. Said I had some protein in my urine but it wasn’t alarming and my blood pressure was great and so was my weight gain so she wasn’t concerned about it. She told me what to watch for as signs of concern but said she really didn’t think I was even at risk for preeclampsia. She asked how I felt, I told her physically fine, emotionally I was pretty well over it. She said that was normal…. and to deal with it (with a chuckle, which we all shared… because what else can I really do?!). So out we went and scheduled our appointment for Tuesday morning at 10:00.
No sooner than we left my ears did this weird thing where everything sounded loud. My voice didn’t sound like my own to me and like who ever that was was hollering. Then it was like I couldn’t hear anything and my hand (left hand this time, same as the doctors office) went numb again. I went to sit down after we ordered our food. I was feeling pretty well freaked out. Before long the sound returned to a normal level and the numbness subsided. But then my eye sight went blurry… here comes the migraine! Great! Cause I am not already stressed and emotionally twisted enough, give me an intense amount of pain that I can’t take anything for! Tancy called the doctors office to find out what I could take, the Tylenol 3 that had been prescribed to me earlier in pregnancy, just watch not to take with regular Tylenol as that would be “over doing it”. Ok.
Less than half way home the blurry vision cleared up and this was not good, usually as soon as the blur is gone the pain starts. It did, but it was a dull kind of pain instead of the usual sharp, searing pain. I was just hoping it would remain at that level. By the time we got home my stomach was upset. Just another bright, sunshiny spot in my day! I always do enjoy being able to shit through a screen door! I pretty well vegged on the couch after that, text Mom, Casie & Aunt Jan. All very encouraging and trying to ease my mind.
Here’s the thing. Today I did not expect to be dilated. And whether I was or wasn’t doesn’t mean much of anything… you can be 3 cm for days and not be in labor, or you can go from nothing to full blown labor in a matter of hours. Not a big deal, not a big surprise. What I get hung up on is NOT wanting to be induced. I want to go into labor on my own, at home and to be able to ride out as much of it NOT in the hospital as possible. At home, where I can be in my own environment, where I can decide if I want to be in the living room or in the tub or to take a walk. I want to go in to the hospital when the contractions are either too intense to stand for me any longer or too close together to wait any longer. Which ever one comes first. Not because I want to be a hero or something silly like that. I don’t have grand notions of no pain relief or anything like that. I just don’t want to be in the hospital for an extended period of time simply waiting on “go” time. Now, that could happen even if I go into labor on my own, I understand…. But if they induce that is an absolute. I will be in the hospital before I am even sitting on GO. I’ll have to be there from zero clear to 60, so to speak. That’s a long time to be in the hospital. And honestly, I am more concerned about being induced than her coming today or Tuesday. That’s what really gets me twisted up. Sure, I wish I would go into labor tonight! That would be fabulous… it could still be Saturday before she was born… but that wold be ok. I just don’t want to be induced… which, from where I sit, seems like is exactly what I’ll get… if for no other reason because I don’t want it that much!
My head has remained a dull ache, thankfully. I don’t know if I could take a full blown migraine tonight. The Braxton Hicks have also gotten more frequent and more intense. This has been really hard on me. I will tell you why… when they hit, its a tightness high on my belly, just under my chest. It feels very much like a bad panic attack… that tightness in that area specifically. So it creates a level of anxiety in me that I can’t manage. The worse it gets the higher my anxiety level rises. By the time it eases I am really worn out and no matter what I tell myself my brain thinks I’ve had a panic attack. I think this is quite possibly at the top of the list for why I am “over it” at this point. I can take pain. Braxton Hicks aren’t pain, at least not mine. They just make me feel like I can’t breathe. So I’ll be glad to not have those… they are so draining.
I was going to go to Mandy’s and help Ms. Sue get things going for dinner tomorrow night and the graduation party on Saturday… but after the start of the migraine and just my emotional disposition I decided that staying home was the best. I can crawl into bed here in a little while and just space completely out. I can cry if I want, I can be mad if I want and I don’t have to worry about taking it out on anyone. Tancy’s Mom called to tell me what her game plan was, Tancy answered for me because at the time my head hurt to bad to be on the phone… still does to be honest… and Tancy told her about my migraine. She was very kind and said she vividly remembered feeling the way I was feeling when she was pregnant with her first (Mandy), that it was truly miserable and to just try to take it easy and get some rest. I thought that was very sweet of her. I always appreciate when people will tell you their stories, especially when it is something you don’t necessarily care to admit (like being miserable or an emotional wreck). I share my shit all the time, but I don’t really know how not to… Most people are not like that. Sometimes I wish I wasn’t… that I could just put on a happy face and say “I feel great!”. Cause physically that’s pretty close to the truth. But that isn’t the full truth and I don’t stop there! LOL. Which most wish I would I am sure.
Alright, I have had enough of this. I am feeling some better, not nearly as twisted as I was earlier. So I am going to stop while I am somewhat ahead. I am hoping for an early night tonight. At this point I do not plan on taking a Tylenol 3, prefer not to if I can avoid it and I think I can. Wish me luck with the “early” part!
Love to all!
